FB-GB: Fruits Basket-Gender Bend
by Jet Dreamer
Summary: Tohru is more commonly a boy's name. So, what if Tohru was a boy? What would Yuki act like as the school princess? What would Kyo do if his name was Kaede? How would things be different if everyone's gender was flipped? More than you think! Read & Review. On Hiatus
1. Chapter 1

FB-GB

FB-GB

Jet: And Action!

Tohru: The following is a non-profit fan passed parody. 'Fruits Basket' is owned by Natsuki Takaya, Funimation, and TV Tokyo. Please support the official release!

Jet: Okay, good job Ms. Honda.

Tohru: Thank you, but this is a gender-bend fan-fiction. I'm so very sorry, but I'm not a girl.

Jet: But, your name's 'Tohru'?

Tohru: It's actually more common for a boy to be named 'Tohru'. Like Shigure &amp; Yuki, my name doesn't change with the gender.

Jet:…Well, looks like I'm a member of the Yuki-fan-club now.

Tohru: WHAAA!?

Ch. 1: This Is Where the Fun Begins

A feminine voice creped over him, "I see you like animals."

The young man yelled in surprise, "OH! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to be rude! I was just,"

The grown woman chuckled, "It's quite alright my boy. I just left the ornaments out to dry. Gaze all you want."

The adult admired the interest this high school boy had. Tilting her head, she noticed…other features on the boy.

As we know, men can build muscles easier than women. So because of his job, the night time janitor was noticeably fit. In this case, the woman was interested in his very firm, 'assets'.

His straight brown hair hung down to the base of his neck. On top of his 5'6 stature, the schoolboy uniform he wore was damn near criminal. But somehow, his innocent brown eyes are what fascinated the adult more than any of his other characteristics.

The female, now done with her eye candy stated, "I didn't think you youngsters were into old superstition."

The teen smiled, "I just love the legend of the zodiac animals." Returning his attention to the painted pieces of wood, "I suppose you wouldn't have the cat?"

'This boy is well informed.' The lady thought.

"The cat?" she asked. "Not a lot of people know about her."

"Yep. I'm a member of the 'year of the cat' fan-club!"

Under her breath, "I wonder what that hell-cat would say if she heard that."

"I'm sorry?" the boy asked.

Fanning her hand as if the problem was a physical thing to swat away, "Oh no my dear. It's nothing."

The full grown woman was dressed in a kimono, but wore it like a household robe. Like robes, it mainly showed off the person's chest. Boy, did this woman have a chest. Her nickname with one of her best friends was 'Double-D' after all.

Her shimmering black hair traveled down to her mid-back. She was an average heighted mid-twenties woman. Everything else about her was above average; especially the sexual appetite fixed in her down brown eyes.

"So, before I invite you in for a drink, I need to know your name."

Turning red in embarrassment and quickly bowing, "Oh I'm so sorry! How rude of me! My name is Tohru Honda. I'm a first year in high school." His hair swung a little as he came back up, "It's nice to meet you."

Giggling, "No need for all that my little pup. Just call me Shigure."

Found a little off-pace at the new nick-name, Tohru was hesitant to respond.

"'Pup'?" he repeated.

"Call me whatever you like, kitty." Shigure rolled her finger into her palm repeatedly and leaned against the wall, "Now come on in for a drink."

Before a single syllable left Tohru's mouth, Shigure was pushed off the porch by a thrown book-bag.

Standing over her cousin (whose face was in the dirt), the school princess made her appearance.

"Shigure." she sighed still a little tired, "What have I told you about flirting with boys my age?"

Looking up at the teen, "I wasn't flirting!"

The sarcasm dripped off of every syllable, "You're absolutely right! You were just trying to get Mr. Honda to impregnate you."

Tohru couldn't believe his eyes! He found the home of the school princess, Yuki Sohma!

"Hello Mr. Honda." Yuki greeted formally, "I'm sorry for my perverted cousin."

Tohru, brushing off certain dialogue that was presented in the past couple of seconds, "Oh, it's alright. I shouldn't have been intruding anyway." Like a nervous child in front of his beautiful crush, "I'll see you at school Yuki." Tohru tried to rush off.

Yuki spoke almost in reflex, "Well, Mr. Honda, we could walk to school together."

Shigure, now on her feet, squeezed Yuki like a stuffed animal and sang, "Aw, Yuki has a crush! Yuki has a crush!"

"Let me go before I destroy your manuscript." That was all the motivation Shigure needed to go back inside and work on her novel until lunch.

!

The moment Tohru separated from Yuki in the hall. Three nerds ran up to him.

"Alright! Start talking you punk!" The ring leader yelled.

"Excuse me?" Honda politely stated.

The second otaku pressed his finger against Tohru's nose, "Don't play dumb jackass! Everybody knows Yuki Sohma belongs to the 'Princess-Yuki-Fan-Club'!"

"She…belongs to you?" Honda asked wondering how that was even possible in this day and age.

"That's right! We know everything about her!" The three began to, one at a time, name qualities of their obsession.

"Like her 2 feet-5 inch long hair is often confused with being purple when it's actually lavender!"

"Plus that she is exactly 4 feet and 8 inches tall!"

"Her petite body weighs 110 pounds!"

"She can bench-press 215 pounds!"

"Her grades are as followed: Math: A+! Science: A+! History: A-! Literature: A! Gym: A+! English: A-! Sculpting A!"

"Her breasts are a 34 B-cup!"

"Her favorite color is sky blue!"

"Yesterday she wore pink polka-dot panties to school!"

"Her favorite type of food is vegetables!"

"When she eats, her tongue extends exactly 1.27 centimeters before putting the food in her mouth."

"Tell us, Mr. Honda! What do you know about our Yuki Sohma that we don't?"

Tohru stood there in shock after receiving such vulgar information about one person he barely knew.

Hoping it was all some dark themed joke, "I know that she really needs to lock her door at night." The fans, if you could determine if their mental state hadn't gone past insanity, took that as an insult.

The leader grabbed Tohru's tie, "Oh that's it! I'm gonna,"

A new character entered the fray with authority, "You bastards are gonna step off our boy!"

"Who the hell do you think you're tal-" the second clubber stared into the face of the school Yankee: Arika Uotani.

"Good morning Akira!" Tohru greeted casually.

Matching his politeness, "Good morning Tohru." Akira went back to the three bullies.

He pulled the leader off the ground to come face to face, "Alright, listen up! If I weren't having a good day, I wouldn't even be talking to you. So I'm only gonna say this once: if I catch any you three messing with my homey, I'm gonna turn you into the little girls that you are. Then it'll be the 'princess-Yuri-fan-club'! Are we clear?"

The second in command couldn't keep a straight face, "Y-y-you can't scare us!"

The trio was now complete with the appearance of Sora Hanajima.

"Then maybe a [**BEEP**] burn mark will suffice." This wouldn't have been taken seriously as a threat if it weren't for the miniature torch in his hand.

The fan club went into a three person race. Destination: the hell away from them!

Akira patted Tohru's back now entering class, "So how long have the three stooges been bothering you?"

"Not that long. It's alright."

"Okay, but if anybody needs an ass-whipping, just tell me!" Looking to the pyromaniac, "Sora, put the Crème brulee torch away before you get suspended."

Tohru was a little more concerned about how his friend snuck it into school.

"Uh, Sora. Why do you have that?" he asked.

Sora responded with very little emotion, "Don't worry, I took my medicine."

Akira got to his seat, "Thank God."

Tohru ignored the fact that Sora didn't answer his question because he did give a good answer.

The meds were actually the reason behind his lack of personality. So by taking them, Sora should have no need for the torch. Of course, he shouldn't have it at all. But Tohru doesn't exactly know how to play with a full deck.

Arika Uotani has the classic bad-to-the-bone tone of voice to go with his short spikey blonde hair. Almost 1-foot-taller than Tohru, making him the tallest person in class, the 'Yankee' is obviously the strongest man as well.

Sora Hanajima: the school 'psycho-pyro'. Well, that is if he's not one his medicine. Pitch black hair in a military bald-fade and dark purple eyes. Plain clothes, plain voice, plain uniform, just fully plain. The shortest of Tohru's friends at 5'2.

!

In the middle of the night, Shigure &amp; Yuki walk home after enjoying, yet another, fast food meal.

Yuki sighed, "Take out every night is no way to live!"

Shigure spoke in her normal happy tone, "Then how about you try to cook something like a normal girl? I swear Yuki, you are such a tomboy!" The corner of Shigure's eye caught a certain cat-fan. "Speaking of boys. Was that Tohru Honda?"

"Of course you remember a cute little boy, wouldn't you?" Yuki asked jokingly.

"Don't act all high n' mighty. You know he's sexy!"

Yuki changed the subject before she grew angry, "What's he doing here on Sohma property?"

"Now that I remember, he was walking in the woods when we meet." Connecting two and two together, the two decided to silently follow Tohru. Having the senses of animals, it was pretty easy.

The cousins followed Tohru until they saw him enter a small tent.

Shigure scratched her arms standing at the unzipped door, "My, my, my. What the hell is this?"

Yuki whispered, "I heard his father died earlier this year. So, I guess he's an orphan and is staying here."

Shigure grew teary, "How sad." But then she thought, "How about we let him stay with us?"

"Why? So you can molest him?"

Smiling, "Well, I guess we can just learn to cook and clean up that horrible dump of a house then."

Yuki visualized how hard it would be to escape an avalanche of garbage, and came to a decision. "A housekeeper is fine."

The boy in question finally surfaced talking to himself, "I'm gonna wash up."

Cupping Mr. Honda's cheeks, "Need some help with that my pup?"

The only thing missing from Yuki's missile dropkick was Jerry 'The King' and 'Good Old' J.R.'s commentary.

!

Inside the house, Yuki explained while Shigure held ice to her back, "All this land is Sohma property. So it didn't make much sense that we suddenly had a new neighbor."

Tohru had his head down in embarrassment, "I'm sorry. I don't have much money, but I can pay rent."

"It's dangerous out there Mr. Honda." Yuki stated.

Shigure whined, "It's dangerous here too. I mean, one minute you're joking with a friend. The next, Yuki goes 'Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson' on you."

Balling his fist, "I don't mind if some 'Rock person' attacks me! I'm a man! I can fend for myself!" The Sohma cousins snickered and shifted away from Tohru's naive mistake. "Did I say something wrong?"

The comic relief was interrupted by the dark cry of a wolf.

The dog changed faces for a more serious tone, "There's been a land slide."

"Wha-?"

"Call it 'animal instinct' Tohru." Shigure teased.

"Was it near the camp site?" he asked.

"Well, it would've been if we hadn't packed it up for you." With the signs of a storm approaching, Yuki &amp; Tohru packed up the tent and gear and brought it into the house. According to Shigure, if they hadn't then Tohru would've had to dig out his homework and father's picture.

Yuki pushed her point even further, "See Mr. Honda. It's not safe outside. Besides, it's late. So you can stay with us."

Too tired to argue and with the rain beginning to come down, Tohru had no way to argue against staying.

"O-okay. I'll stay for tonight."

Yuki smiled, "I'll take your stuff into the guest room."

Acting on chivalry, "No, no. Please. I'll carry it." Tohru grabbed a portion of his possessions and followed Yuki upstairs who had already cuffed the tent and mini dresser.

"It's okay Mr. Honda. I can bench press,"

"215 pounds." Tohru said without thinking.

Dumbfounded, "...uh."

Feeling even more embarrassed, "So I've heard!"

!

Tohru had a dream of the story his father would tell him as a child.

'_A long, long time ago, God decided to invite all of the animals to a banquet. He sent out word for all of them to come to his house the following evening, 'And don't be late!' he said. When the mischievous rat heard the news, he decided to play a trick on his neighbor, the cat. He told the cat that the party was the day after tomorrow. The very next day, all of the animals lined up for the celebration. The rat led the way, riding all the way there on the back of the cow. Everyone had a wonderful time._

_Except for the cat._

_Who missed the whole thing.'_

_Tohru started to cry as his father asked, 'What's the matter son?'_

'_That poor little kitty! He must've been so lonely!' Tohru stood up finding a naïve motivation. 'I know, I'll stop being a year of the dog and I'll be a cat!'_

_His father, Kyoya, needed to get some sleep for work, 'You can be a cock for all I care. I'm going to bed.'_

!

"**WAKEY! WAKEY! MOUSEY!**" Through the roof crashed an extraordinary beautiful young woman.

Around Yuki and Tohru's age, she stood at about 5 feet tall in her chain-mail pants, sports bra and leather vest. This girl had six-pack abs that rivaled Tohru's muscles. Her orangish-red hair only went down to her shoulders in a pony-tail. She had one hand on her nice hips and an attractive 32-C bust.

Tohru, despite being woken up in a rough manner, was blushing at the heavy metal warrior before him.

"Yuki!" Shigure called. "Please tell me that wasn't Kaede destroying my roof."

"Let me check." Yuki entered Tohru's temporary room rather casually. "Mr. Honda, this is my cousin Kaede Sohma."

Kaede interrupted, "Shut up you damn mouse! I'm here to kick your scrawny ass once and for all!"

Yuki didn't seem to register what Kaede said, "…This may be a little off topic, but are you good at digging holes?"

Confused, "Wha? Uh, yeah. Why?"

"I mean other than the one you've dug yourself into by pissing me the hell off."

"Screw you!" Kaede charged towards her rival, forgetting Tohru was on the floor. "Oh crap!"

POOF!

An orange smoke clouded Tohru. It dissolved into a visible mist that showed…a cat?

"What?" Tohru asked. Picking the girl up, "Um, where'd you come from little guy?"

Feeling insulted, "I'm a girl dumbass!"

"AHHHH!" Tohru yelled jumping up. "Yuki! Your pet cat is talking to me!"

"I'm not a mouse's pet!" Kaede argued.

"Mouse?" Tohru repeated setting Kaede down.

Yuki stuttered backing into the hall, "Mr. Honda? Why are you looking at me like that?"

Taking a shot in the dark, "I'm gonna hug you."

POOF!

The statement was followed by a purple fog. Underneath the school uniform was a small bulge looking for an exit. Coming from under the skirt was…sure enough, a lavender colored mouse.

"Alright! Desert!" Kaede got into the feline pouncing position.

Honda pivoted to her pointing down to the floor and commanded, "No! Kaede, sit!" On instinct, the orange feline did as ordered.

"Wow." The mouse was stunned, "Is that all it took?"

Shigure picked up Yuki and Kaede coming into the room, "No use hiding it anymore." She placed the two on the dresser and focused on the cute boy. "Tohru. We're all animals."

POOF!

The embrace brought a black cloud into the room. Under Tohru's legs was an adult Akita-species dog.

"Specifically, we're the animals from the Chinese zodiac."

Tohru, still tired, impersonated his father, "I'm going back to bed."

END

Kaede: Why didn't I keep my name!?

Jet: Because Tohru's mom's name was 'Kyoko' which is the female version of your name. So to avoid confusion, I removed 'Kyo' completely from your name. Make sense?

Kaede: Piss off!


	2. Chapter 2

Jet: And Action!

Yuki:…I'm not doing it.

Jet: Fine, you don't get paid.

Yuki:…

Jet: I'll turn you into a mouse and let Kaede loose in there.

Yuki:…

Jet: I'll tell your fan-boys know about the Sohma cur-

Yuki: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. 'Fruits Basket is owned by 'Funimation', 'TV Tokyo', 'Tokyo Pop', and Natsuki Takaya. Please support the official release.

Jet: Thank you my Princess.

Yuki:…Go to hell!

Ch. 2: Drama Unfolds

"Okay, so let me get this straight." Tohru was sitting lackadaisically facing the three Sohma animals, "You three turn into animals of the Chinese zodiac when hugged by a boy. Shigure is the dog. Yuki is the mouse. Kaede is the cat. Other than you three, there're ten other 'members of zodiac' who are cursed. Is that everything?"

Kaede snapped, "That's what Shigure just said! Are you deaf!?" Shigure growled intimidatingly sending Kaede into the corner in fear. Dogs and cats don't like each other the same way mice run from cats. But you already knew that.

Done dealing with her cousin's rudeness, "Just about." Shigure continued, "The other way we can transform is if we're under a lot of stress."

"Any powers?" Tohru asked.

Yuki responded, "Not really. We can communicate with our respective animals when in our animal forms. But that's about all we can do."

"How do you change back?" Tohru asked.

Shigure decided not to answer him. What she did was place one paw on Tohru's shoulder and led the unsuspecting boy to her furry chest.

"Uh?"

POOF!

Just like that, Tohru's face was smothered under two huge bouncy-bountiful apples!

"You have to have a cute boy touch your-" Bang! Before Shigure could finish the lie, the now human Yuki roundhouse kicked her into the closet.

Kaede shouted, "You sick pedophile!"

"Well that's one thing we agree on." Yuki mumbled to herself quickly putting on her clothes.

Kaede, now in human form as well, switched her attention back to Tohru. He was now facing the corner like a child on time out.

"Uh, dude," Kaede rested her hand on her bare hip, "you have two and a half hot naked chicks in front of you. You aren't even gonna try to catch a sneak peek at us?"

His voice was muffled a bit from the wall, "No. It's fine. I'll be a gentleman and I promise I won't look. Just go ahead and get dressed please."

Kaede shrugged it off and finished putting her punk rock clothes back on.

"Excuse me, Kaede." Yuki alerted now in her school uniform, "What exactly did you mean by 'two and a half'?"

The cat scoffed, "Isn't it obvious you B-cup bitch?"

Now, the mouse was angry.

"Call me 'flat-chested' one more time and see what happens."

"I already did!"

Kaede &amp; Yuki were butting heads in a interlocked glare that defined 'if looks could kill'. "What're you gonna do about it, tomboy?" the cat sneered.

"Did the skank in chainmail pants just call me a 'tomboy'? I'm sorry, but at least I dress like a girl!"

Tohru got between the two girls and shouted, "That's enough!"

Yuki was caught off guard by the normally passive boy. Kaede was just enraged even further since she was given an order from somebody she didn't know.

"Look, I understand that family members fight, but you two are taking this too far. When we get home from school we can all sit down and talk about…**SCHOOL! OH MAN! WE'RE GONNA BE LATE! I GOTTA GET DRESSED! I GOTTA EAT BREAKFAST! OH NO! I DON'T TIME FOR THAT! I'M GONNA BE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE!**"

Shigure casually tapped Tohru on the shoulder, "Calm down my little pup! I'll give you and Yuki a ride. Just get dressed." She then grabbed Kaede's ear and lifted until the kitty was on her toes, "While I'm gone, you're going to fix my house. If you don't then Akito is gonna hear about every last detail. Are we clear?"

"Alright! Alright! Just let me go!" Kaede only admitted defeat out of annoyance.

Tohru was a little too busy getting his uniform on to notice what was going on behind him. Yuki however was cringing in fear at the name stated. Even more so at the possible outcome.

!

"Sora!" the teacher yelled, "The flames are not supposed to be up that high! Turn you're stove down now!"

Home economics class, and Sora's skillet was engulfed in flames. Smoke was beginning to surface and Sora was just watching the growing ember.

Before the blaze spread any further, Tohru grabbed the fire extinguisher. Akira moved Sora out of the path of the chemical stream. After thirty seconds the foam safely doused the fire doing its job. The counter was now coated in white smoke

The teacher smiled, "Thank you Tohru!"

Modestly, "No problem sensei."

Akira was now scolding his friend, "Sora! What the hell were you thinking!?"

Replying blankly, "I was trying to have a grill."

Tohru wore a quizzical expression, "I don't think you're supposed to grill rice."

The teacher exclaimed, "You're also not supposed to set the stove on fire." Switching students, "Tohru, would you mind taking Sora to the principal's office?"

!

Tohru was outside in the hall after fulfilling his teacher's orders.

A sweet voice called, "Mr. Honda."

He turned to see the lovely Yuki patiently waiting against the wall.

"Did you tell anyone about us?" she asked.

"No, of course not." He smiled innocently, "Who'd believe me? Besides, I don't gossip. You're secrets safe with me."

The mouse sighed in relief, "Thank you. But I don't think that'll be enough."

The stress she carried caught Tohru's attention.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"Only a few people outside the Sohma family know about the curse. When they found out, the head of the family had to decide if they were a liability. If they could benefit to us, then they were allowed to know. If not, then their memories were erased. I'm just wondering if…you'll be one of those people too."

"So it's happened before?" he stated rhetorically, "People have found out and had their memories erased?"

Yuki began her story, "When I was in elementary school, this teacher hugged me because I gave him an apple. The entire class watched a cloud of smoke create a little mouse in their teacher's arms. Of course, just because a child says 'they won't tell anyone', that doesn't mean they're going to keep that promise. The entire class had to be hypnotized." She looked up into Tohru's brown eyes, "I'm not calling you a child Mr. Honda, but…Akito might."

"Akito?"

Yuki let out some air turning away, "The head of the Sohma family. I know that Shigure is talking with Akito right now." She took a few steps hoping he wouldn't hear her, "I just hope that, you'll be able to remember me."

Tohru, hearing the ach in Yuki's voice, leant the struggling girl a comforting hand.

"You know, I'm not upset." he said. Yuki glanced at the large and soft grasp Tohru had on her shoulder.

"I mean, we can still hang out. We'll still walk to school together. We'll still be friends. So, the only difference is that I won't know why we have a 'no hug' policy. Just tell me that you have rare skin condition. I'm sure that I'll believe you."

Yuki chuckled at the solution, "Okay." She turned around to face Tohru, "It's a deal."

!

Now home from school, Yuki &amp; Tohru headed to their separate rooms. The difference for Tohru was that he got a glimpse of a very fit cat in baggy gym shorts and a tank top on a ladder finishing the roof.

Trying to be get her attention, "Uh, hello Kae-"

"I heard you guys come in so don't bother." Kaede rudely interrupted. "Your name's 'Tohru Honda' right?"

"Yes."

Kaede, done with her repairs, got off the ladder with an attitude, "It's a patch job that'll keep the rain and snow out. It defiantly won't hold for six months, but it'll last until the New Year unless you mess with it. Call a pro if you don't like it."

"I think a sky light is cool. Thanks." Tohru said trying to be cheery.

Kaede's scowl was still in effect despite the compliment.

"Listen, about this morning. When I get mad, I forget stuff and…I'm trying to say that-"

The front door burst open and Shigure's voice traveled upstairs, "Kaede! Akito wants you at the main house so come get in the car so we can go!"

"Why!?" she shouted.

Messing with her cousin, "Maybe it has something to do with you going Houdini for three months you stupid cat!"

Kaede stomped downstairs, "Don't call be stupid ya damn dog!"

All alone now, Tohru hummed to himself, "Well aren't they lovely."

!

"Yuki! Dinner's ready." When the princess came down to the call, she was presented with a floor that she could see, a wall with no grime, a sink with no dishes, a polished table, and freshly cooked food sitting on it.

Stunned, "How'd you do this in three hours?"

"I'm a janitor at an office building. This was easy. I'll get into cleaning all the rooms tomorrow." He took a lot of pride in the fact that he could cook and clean so quickly.

"What about the food?"

"The rice cooker is really good."

Sitting down, "We have a rice cooker?"

Just as Tohru sat down with Yuki, like before, the front door flew open wildly.

Kaede stormed away from her older cousin, "Shut up! I don't wanna hear this!"

Easily following her in high-heels, "Oh yeah! It's my fault you passed an entrance exam! And take off your shoes!"

"You're setting a fine example." Yuki teased.

Tohru asked hoping for a nice response, "Kaede, are you hungry? I cooked-"

"Shut up ya dumbass!" Leaving a harsh answer, Kaede slammed the door to her new room.

Shigure scratched her head, "Agh! That cat is really starting to piss me...when did we get a rice cooker?"

"Mr. Honda cleaned the kitchen and made dinner." Yuki answered.

Sitting down, Shigure took off her jacket and shoes, "A man who can cook and clean. I think I'm in love."

Tohru attempted to cheer himself up, "Well, you wanted a housekeeper. So here I am."

The oldest Sohma reinsured the young man, "Don't mind Kaede my little pup. She's just mad about her punishment. She'll get over it."

"Punishment?" he quoted.

"You see, she was missing for about three months. She didn't say where she went and she just up and left. Then, there was crashing my roof to make it worse."

"What was all that about an entrance exam?" Yuki asked.

Shigure, obviously nervous, hesitated before speaking, "Before I tell you what Akito decided as the punishment, you can't get mad at me."

"What entrance exam?" she repeated sternly.

Shigure tried to make it seem like it wasn't her fault, "First of all…I tried to talk Akito out of putting Kaede in the same high school as you."

Angrily, "You lie!"

Not even trying to hide her smirk, "I did!"

"So Kaede will be going to school with us then?" Tohru confirmed.

"Akito isn't that forgiving." Yuki pondered, "What else got under that cat's skin?"

This was what Shigure was scared of.

"Well…you see, Kaede will be staying here as punishment for being mad about going to school with you."

No words or hesitation, Yuki got up not wanting to hear any more bad news. She charged out leaving an awkward silence amongst Shigure &amp; Tohru.

"They really don't like each other." Tohru stated blandly.

"I'm a dog and Yuki is the mouse. We have our occasional arguments but we still have a mutual respect for each other. Kaede &amp; I naturally argue and go against one another since we're a cat and a dog. But the true enemies are a cat and mouse. It's generational. There isn't much we can do about it."

Tohru's head went down to his food. It was hard for him to believe that two people, relatives non-the-less, can hate one another on instinct.

Taking notice, Shigure tried to cheer him up in her own little controversial way.

"It's as natural," Shigure lifted the pup's chin to hers, "as a man and a woman." She gave off a very seductive grin, "I know you're a cat fan, so I'll let you use mine anytime you want."

The door opened with Yuki executing her 'to kill a pedophile' battle plan:

Arrive

Stomp Shigure into the table

Leave

END

Yuki: Remind me to never work for you again.

Jet: Well Excuuuuuuuuse me! Princess!


	3. Chapter 3

Jet: And action!

Kaede:…

Jet: You're gonna be like that aren't you?

Kaede:

Jet: Come on! Cat got your tongue? (Drum snare)

Kaede:

Jet: Come on you pussy-cat! (Drum snare)

Kaede:

Jet: Want some fish?

Kaede: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. 'Fruits Basket is owned by 'Funimation', 'TV Tokyo', 'Tokyo Pop', and Natsuki Takaya. Please support the official release.

Jet: Thank you!

Kaede: Where's my salmon?

Jet: Hell if I know.

Ch.3: Here Kitty-Kitty!

Kaede could hear all of the boys in the class talking about her.

"Dude, is that the princess's cousin?"

"Ah man! She's got a poppin' body!"

"What's with the orange hair?"

"I think it's pretty hot."

"Hot? Dude, she's freaking smokin'!"

She was okay with the first few couple of guys talking about her body. It became annoying when the comments were directed toward her lower regions. Now, it was starting to piss her off.

"Damn!" Akira said, "I thought Yuki was cute! Kaede is just,"

"Just what?" Yuki asked teasingly as she appeared behind him.

"Sorry princess. I just gotta ask, do you two do each other's hair 'er something? I mean you both got some long locks."

"No, we don't even talk." Yuki had a false smile that Tohru easily saw through. It was obvious that she was hiding emotions that were well beyond anger.

!

"Get lost." Kaede ordered.

In the hall during passing period, the cat was being hit on. Once again, by a boy.

"Come on Kaede." The horny teen pushed on, "I can show you a good time."

Kaede fixing her ponytail trying not to give him too much attention, "If I didn't say yes to the seven other boys in class, what the hell makes you think I'll go out with you?"

"Who said anything about a date?" The foolish boy caressed her shoulders creating a chill, "I was hoping we could just go right to bed."

-Please Stand By-

Clutching his genitals, the boy laid on the floor screaming while rolled in a ball.

"**SHE BROKE MY D#CK! YUKI'S COUSIN BROKE MY D#CK!**" Yeah, Kaede is that kind of fighter.

She faced to the crowd making her proclamation to the school, "Anyone else want some?!" She spread her arms out for invitation, "Just keep bothering me when I say 'leave me alone' and you'll end up like 'Casanova' here!"

"Kaede!" The wrathful cat girl was interrupted by the lavender haired mouse of the zodiac.

Kaede cracked her knuckles, "Finally, some excitement!"

"I'm no fighting you. Now go to class!"

"Make me!"

The crowd started to get involved.

"Hey Kaede, try to calm down."

"Yeah, she's just trying to help."

"Don't yell at your cousin like that."

Insults. That's all it was to her. The pleas of peace were translated into taunts for Kaede. The more people that got involved, were just added voices that pushed Kaede closer and closer to a brink of madness.

Until, "**SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE!**"

Kaede ran to the nearest open window and leaped out with no hassle! Landing on the ground, she took off running away from the problem she herself caused.

"Dude! Did she just fall out of the second story window?" one student asked.

"Yeah! It was awesome!"

"Ugh, I think I can walk now."

!

Yuki managed to follow Kaede to an absent corner outside the school before it was too late.

"I said stop you stupid cat!" she called for a third time.

Halting in captive fury, "Call me 'stupid' one more time."

Yuki crossed her arms under her small bust, "You are! Do you realize that everything you do here reflects my reputation as a student council member? And you can't get into fights with boys or else you'll turn into your animal form!"

"Like I give a damn! It's your fault anyway!" she snapped.

Yuki stepped in front of Kaede making sure she couldn't run off, "How is it my fault if you turn into a stupid cat?!"

That was the last straw, "DON'T CALL ME STUPID!"

POOF!

An orange cloud blocked Yuki's vision. When it cleared, at kitty-Kaede was in the arms of the schoolboy Tohru.

"Mr. Honda?" Yuki stated wondering how he got there with neither of the Sohma girls noticing. Then again, their argument was getting pretty bad.

"Yuki, when you push someone like that, you're not getting your point across. You're only making more problems. And Kaede, you do have a…'condition'. If your cousin is trying to,"

Scratch!

The cat swiped the boy's face causing him to drop her. Having left Tohru is shock and pain, she bolted right underneath Yuki's skirt and ran off.

"Mr. Honda! Are you alright?" Yuki asked rushing to her.

Covering the wounded cheek, "If fine." Tohru couldn't help but wonder, '_so this is the cat I wanted to be like?_'

!

"Well, well, well Kaede." Shigure said still reading her paper. "You trained for three months in the mountains with Kaname-sensei, and then you run home after three hours of school."

Kaede, now in human form and in clothes, lay on the floor staring at the ceiling in self-pity, "Yeah, yeah, get it out of your system."

"Not a very good comeback." Shigure said sarcastically. "It's not even close to how you treat Tohru. You really outa apologize."

"I know! It's just…you know. I can't stand…not knowing what to say to someone. Then I get mad and,"

"Then you scratch a cute boy."

Aggravated, "I didn't mean to…I was trying to get him off me. I didn't mean to…"

"Scratch him?" the dog finished.

"I don't think I'm cut out for other people." Kaede sighed.

"Well duh!" Shigure blurted. "Life is like a book. You have to go through some really awful chapters to get to the best ones. But if you put the book down because the hook was terrible, you'll never find out how it ends. So keep reading. There just might be a happy and wonderful ending waiting for you."

Kaede listened to her cousin's shockingly wise words. All she's really done was yell when things got hard. She didn't try to make it better. She just locked herself away from the rest of the world.

"I'm certain you could break this table in half. But I'm also certain you could build an even more beautiful table. Now which would you prefer?"

Finding some piece of optimism, Kaede kicked-up and headed toward the door, "I'm gonna go make it up."

"To who?" Shigure asked.

Stopping at the door, "What?"

Sohma counted off Kaede's sin tally, "Well, you attacked a boy. Which I don't blame you for. But you went too far by…ya know. Then, you insulted Yuki when she was trying to explain something important to you. Yes, she did egg you on. But like I said, try building a table instead of breaking it. Then you scratched Tohru."

"Okay! We covered that already! I'll say sorry to that boy tomorrow and I'm going to Tohru now."

"What about Yuki?"

"What about that damn mouse!?"

Slam!

Shigure sighed getting back to her paper, "One step at a time I guess."

!

Walking home from work, Tohru could barely move his face with that bandage. The extra load of work turned his arms into noodles. His day wasn't done, he still had to cook dinner. Tohru was especially not looking forward to meeting Kaede.

"Man it's dark!" he said out loud. The escalating trees towered over him. The looming silence stunned Tohru into fear. '_I-I-I-I'm a-a-a-a man. I-I-I-I can h-a-a-a-ndle this! It's j-j-j-just some t-t-trees_.'

A sudden whisper alerted the boy, "Tohru."

"**GHAAAA!**" Tohru gave Kaede every indication that he should be on the track team. She stood there watching the housekeeper make a mad dash through the trees.

"Damn, I thought Shigure was fast."

!

Speak of the devil, "What's wrong my little pup?" Tohru stood there panting. After all, he just finished a marathon. "Did you see a wolf?" He shook his head. "Did a stranger try to attack you?" He nodded. Shigure mumbled something angrily followed by, "Yuki, get my rifle!"

"The 97 automatic canon or the 'Elephant gun', .55 inch." she replied from upstairs.

"B.L.C!"

"97 it is."

Kaede wondered in with a grim look, "Sorry for scaring you."

"Oh that was you?" Tohru was now embarrassed.

Connecting the dots, "Nevermind! It's just Kaede!"

".55 then!" Yuki (half) joked. The Honda boy was speechless at the casual conversation over guns.

"Oh YEAH!" Kaede shouted, "HOW About you…" Shigure &amp; Kaede made eye contact for a brief second. The cat turned to see the patch on Tohru's face. "Listen Tohru…I'm sorry about…ya know…scratching you. I was trying to make a table and I…no wait! I mean…you're like a book. No! I mean, life is like a table er…something. Uh, what I'm trying to say is…what am I saying? I guess." She whispered down, "Shigure help me out here."

Blandly talking aloud, "Tohru, what I'm trying to say is 'I love you. I'll happily bear your child'."

"Thanks." Back to Tohru, "Tohru, what I'm trying to say is I love you and I'll happily bear your child." Shigure snickered as Tohru stuttered. Blood dribbled from his nose at the thought. What's worse Kaede still didn't realize what she had said.

"Uh…Shigure." Tohru called for assistance.

"Give her a minute."

Kaede's brain:

Loading:…...!

Done!

"**YOU DAMN DOG!**"

END

Kaede: Where's my fish!?

Jet: You can buy salmon at the dollar tree these days.

Kaede:...Shigure! Where's that B.L.C!?

Shigure: With Team Four Star!


	4. Chapter 4

Jet: And Action!

Shigure: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. 'Fruits Basket is owned by 'Funimation', 'TV Tokyo', 'Tokyo Pop', and Natsuki Takaya. Please support the official release.

Jet: Thanks Shigure.

Shigure: No problem. So what animal are you?

Jet: You (meaning a dog).

Shigure: No not me, you.

Jet: Yes, I'm you.

Shigure: Just answer the damn question! What are you!?

Jet: I just told you!

Shigure: Are you deaf?

Jet: No! You're blind!

Shigure: I'm not blind! You're blind!

Jet: That's what I just said!

Shigure: You just said 'what'!

Jet: I didn't say 'what'! I said 'you'!

Shigure: That's what I'm asking you!

Jet: And you're answering!

Shigure: Shut Up!

Ch. 4. You Ain't Nothin' But A Hound Dog!

"I'm sorry." Two words Yuki is all too familiar with.

It makes sense why boys ask her out all the time. Her nice nature welcomes them in. Her small attractive body gives them something to imagine. Why wouldn't a boy like her?

The boy she just turned down sure did like her.

"I see." he said heartbroken, "There's someone else."

"Oh no. It's not that." Yuki said to cheer him up.

"Then, what is it about me that you don't like?" he asked.

Now caught in a corner, "It's nothing really. I don't hate anything about you."

"Then why'd you say no?"

"Well, it's just that I don't want a relationship right now."

Now he was agitated, "If you don't want a relationship, then why do you act the way you do?"

"Excuse me?" Yuki asked taking a step back.

"Don't give me that crap!" He snapped leading her backwards, "You must be some kinda bitch! How can you smile and act so nice if you're not lookin' for some action! The way you strut that ass of yours tends to say, 'I want a man'! And you're gonna give me some B-S about 'I don't wanna guy'?"

A raspy male voice came into the argument, "Yuki!" Tohru called. "Is everything alright?"

The second the boy saw Tohru walk up to Yuki, he walked away in fear of getting into a fight.

Tohru wasn't into intimidation. But when you're muscles are big enough to outline your shirt, it's easy to send that message without trying.

Sighing in relief, "Thank you Mr. Honda." Yuki placed her hand on her chest feeling the terror pass as she breathed out.

"Was that guy bothering you Yuki?"

"Yes, but it's fine now that you're here." Yuki realized what she had just said. More specifically, what the boy was ranting about. She was leading someone on without trying too.

Tohru smiled flexing his arm, "Don't you worry Yuki. If any boys give you trouble, just come to me and I'll help you out!" Maybe Tohru was into intimidation?

!

"Pfft! Ha! Ha!" Kaede smacked the desk after hearing the story. "You gotta be kidding! You're a total 'princess'! You couldn't even fight the guy! Busboy here had to bail you out!"

Yuki pouted, "Well at least I know how to get out of a situation without fighting! Stupid cat."

"You trying to pick a fight?" Kaede snared.

Akira was becoming irritated, "Well, I'm trying to finish our damn game!"

The two teens were the last in the class's poker tournament. Kaede &amp; Akira had gone through six other competitors each to get to this point. The cashing: 200 cookies!

Kaede Sohma turned back to the game. Akira Uotani had a gleaming smile. The Sohma carried a basic glare. With her cousin in the corner of her eye, she developed a horrible idea to win.

"Wanna make this interesting…Akira?" she asked

"What'd ya have in mind…Kaede?" he responded.

The cat leaned over the table, making sure her breasts were in the schoolboy's view. She licked her lips seductively. Her eyes went into a half-lidded position.

Her voice was sultry, "If you win…then I'll give you a big sloppy kiss as a reward."

Akira blushed heavily as the class went, 'ooooooo'! Even Tohru was in shock by her new attitude! Yuki caught on and was secretly humiliated by this.

"Deal!" Uotani barked. He didn't want to seem aroused, but that was impossible.

The classmates, not wanting to waste time revealed their cards.

Kaede let her hand down, "Like my hand, I'm the queen!" Dual queens of the club and heart!

Akira chuckled, "Like my hand, I'm an ace!" Heart &amp; diamond ace cards!

Not only did Kaede lose all her cookies (get your mind out of the gutter), now she had to give up her first kiss!

"Pucker up Ms. Sohma!" Akira taunted with a toothy grin.

Frustrated from the fact that she's an honorable person, Kaede decided to follow up on her loss.

"Fine!" she snarled.

Kaede reached across the table, cuffed Akira's cheeks and decided to plunge right into it.

Akira's finger pressed against her lips stopping her, "Physic!" The class went into an uproar at the insult! "Sorry hon', but I'm not all that into you."

Part of Kaede was thanking God that she didn't have to surrender her first kiss under such circumstances! The other half of her was enraged at being turned down.

"Aw! Kaede, I'll give you a kiss!" another boy taunted.

"Yeah right! Like we were serious!" she replied. Akira &amp; Kaede's silent agreement was to make it seem as if they were both joking the whole time.

!

"You sure you don't want my help?" Tohru asked. Kaede had played another game and had lost another game. This time, her punishment was to sweep up the class by herself.

"I'm fine. A loss is a loss." Kaede said. "Next time I'll beat Akira!" Facing Yuki who was reading a book, "Just like one day I'll beat the Minnie Mouse crap out of you!"

Still reading, "Wait, wait! I think I've heard this one before!"

"No joke asshole!"

"Try keeping it PG-13. We don't wanna get in trouble."

"Do I look like I give a rat's ass!?"

"What's new pussy cat?"

Cocking her hand back for a punch, "Don't call me a [Meow]!"

Tohru intervened, "Kaede Sit!" As ordered, the zodiac animal's butt hit the floor.

"How do you keep doing that!?" she yelled.

"You're a stupid cat. I think it's pretty self-explanatory." Yuki mocked.

"Oh, yeah! Well at least I don't have my housekeeper fight my battles for me!"

"That's enough!" Tohru shouted. "Both of you! Yuki, why do you keep egging her on like that? You know it's not worth your time so don't waste it. Kaede, it makes no sense for you to start these fights for no reason. I know you don't like her, but can you at least try not to fight Yuki?"

Standing up in protest, "Why should I try to be nice to a bitch with a fake smile!?"

Yuki had heard enough. She slammed the book shut and headed for the door.

"Yuki?" Tohru went after her for a few steps.

"I'm going home. Don't you have to be at work in a little while?" she asked. Honda realized that she wanted to be alone. Respecting her personal space, Tohru let the princess walk away.

"Kaede!" he called, "Sit!"

"Ow! That hurt!"

!

"Hello Mr. Honda." Tohru had just gotten off his shift to find the beauty that was Yuki Sohma outside.

"Yuki? What're you doing here?"

"I need some advice on something. So I was hoping we could walk and talk."

"That and you didn't want to be around Kaede?" Tohru deduced. Yuki chuckled as the two began the walk. "What's up?"

The voices of Kaede &amp; the schoolboy raced in her mind.

"Do you think I'm a bad person?" Yuki asked.

Surprised, "No! Why would you think that?"

"Because I'm not a nice person." The princess tilted her head down in shame, "I only act nice so people will like me better."

"But…don't people like you already? I mean the guy from this morning seemed to like you." The boy wasn't doing a good job of cheering Yuki up. But she did understand that he was trying.

"Not like that. What I mean is,"

POOF!

Yuki, not paying attention, bumped into a drunk pedestrian!

"Da hell?" the man said suddenly surrounded by a purple fog.

"Thank You! Thank you!" Tohru shouted holding the mouse over his school briefcase as if it was a mini-stage. "I am street performer, 'Chain-smoker-the-magnificent'! I have just turned my assistant into a mouse! I think that deserves some applause!" Yuki squirmed around to make the 'trick' seem more realistic.

The man gazed at the improve show, "That's awesome but I spent all my money at the *hic* bar."

!

Carrying Yuki home through the woods to make sure she didn't change back, Tohru's smile vanished.

"So what makes you such a bad person?"

The mouse spoke, "I'm only nice because I want people to be nice back. When Kaede said I have a 'fake smile', she was right. The boys flirt with me because I'm always smiling. But it's only to get others to smile. In reality…my face hurts. Now I realize how selfish I've been. I've been lying to everyone about who I am. I'm not the 'innocent school girl'. You've seen that when I'm around Kaede &amp; Shigure."

"You've got a point." Tohru said. He couldn't deny that she's a different person around her family. "So, I guess the real question is, 'who is Yuki Sohma'?" Yuki looked up seeing the boy's chin, "Is she nice on her own?"

Struggling to answer, "I wanna be."

"Then what's stopping you?" Tohru's Q &amp; A was taking a weird turn Yuki didn't recognize.

"You're a guy. Don't you want a girl to be nice to you?"

"Well, let's say you were my girlfriend Yuki. I'd want you to be honest over anything. That way I would know how you're truly feeling. If you were only nice all the time, then I wouldn't know who you really are. Besides, I accept you for you. 'When you pretend to be someone for the sake of others, you only cause more grief for yourself. When you pretend to be someone you don't like, you'll only attract people you don't like. If you want to be accepted by people like you, then you just have to accept yourself.' Make sense?"

Yuki found herself in tears. Not sure what specific line tapped into her, but Tohru's advice hit her hard. As if the burden she held for years had finally been released from her grasp!

"Oh no!" Tohru stopped setting the crying mouse down, "Are you okay? I didn't mean to upset you! I was just trying to help!"

"Thank you." Yuki mumbled under the tears. "Thank you so much!"

Wiping the mouse's cheek, Tohru let his palm out for Yuki to climb. With that, they went forward.

End

Jet: When I was younger and I was the loner wanting to be accepted by the other kids, I thought about watching the shows they did. Even though I didn't like those shows. I wanted to dress like them. Even though sagging pants wasn't my thing. On top of that, I didn't even like the kids I was trying to hang out with. I hated myself for trying to be a sellout. Then, I realized, 'When you pretend to be someone for the sake of others, you only cause more grief for yourself. When you pretend to be someone you don't like, you'll only attract people you don't like. If you want to be accepted, than accept yourself.'

Shigure: You mind if I use that in one of my books?

Jet: No…where's Kaede?

Shigure: Hiding.

Jet: Why?

Shigure: Kaito is up next.

Jet: This isn't a 'Green-Hornet' Fan-fic.

Shigure: No, Kagura.

Jet: What's 'Azumanga Dioh' have to do with this?

Shigure:…

Jet: Oh that Kagura!


	5. Chapter 5

Warning! The following chapter involves the topic of Bipolar disorder/manic depression. If you are easily depressed or don't take kindly to said topic, please wait until the next chapter. I don't want to offend anyone.

Jet: And action!

Kaito: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. 'Fruits Basket is owned by 'Funimation', 'TV Tokyo', 'Tokyo Pop', and Natsuki Takaya. Please support the official release.

Jet: Alright that was good.

Kaito: Who the hell are you?

Jet: Oh right, I'm your new boss.

Kaito:…So are you a girl or…

Jet: What? No! That's you!

Kaito: No! I'm a boy!

Jet: (Face-palm) Okay Kagura.

Kaito: Who the hell is 'Kagura'? I'm Kaito.

Jet: -_- I'm going to hire the 'Green Hornet' to kill you.

Shigure: No you're not!

Ch. 5-Oink-Oink!

"EVERYBODY GET UNDER THE TABLE!" Tohru shouted! There was an earthquake was shaking the entire house. It was only strong enough to relocate some of the smaller objects by a few inches. Because of this, Yuki &amp; Shigure remained calm. Despite this, Tohru followed the instructions he remembered seeingin the videos shown to grade school children.

Knowing what the 'disaster' actually was, Yuki just sat there watching her housekeeper frantically run under the piece of furniture. She thought about closing her legs so Tohru wouldn't try and peek up her skirt. Then she remembered that it was Tohru Honda and relaxed.

With the floor still vibrating, Tohru had slid under the table with Shigure. The dog of the zodiac knew what was causing the quake just as Yuki did. But her natural 'animal instinct' told her to take advantage of the situation.

When the rumbling stopped, Kaede was long gone upstairs. However, it wasn't for the disaster that Tohru had assumed.

The mouse peeked under the table, "Shigure, what're you doing?" Her cousin was lying on the floor next to Tohru with an innocent smile. What infuriated Yuki was that Shigure wasfirmly grasping the boy's squishy buttocks.

"Nothing you wouldn't do." Shigure's sick grin acted as a taunt. Yuki couldn't argue since she did find Mr. Honda attractive.

Yuki did everything in her power not to yell, "I'm going to go answer the door. If this scene is still the same when I come back, I'm going to let Kaito do what he does best." With her threat on the table, Yuki left the room to do as she said.

"That's supposed to scare me?" she asked.

"Uh, Shigure?" Tohru paused.

"Oh, Kaito is a Sohma. He tends to flip out a lot so that earthquake was him stampeding."

Trying to be nice, "That's nice, but can you please take your hand off my butt now?"

"Oops, sorry!" she pretended. Hands off, they came from under the table.

"Shigure!" a boy's voice called. The two pivoted to see a small Sohma. His brown hair was short to the base of his neck. Big dark brown eyes matched his monkey backpack. The boy stood at an astonishing 5'3! He was defiantly a baby face.

"Oh, hello Kaito." Shigure greeted.

"Were you just groping this guy?" Kaito asked with his deep, yet squeaky voice. Similar to 'Ganta' from 'Deadman Wonderland'. His poster was defensive. As if he was a little timid.

"Oh…you saw that?" Shigure sighed.

"You know you shouldn't grope someone that way!" Pouncing like a tiger, Kaito grabbed a handful of Shigure's double-d breasts! "This is how ya do it Shigure!" His head rubbed between the two plush mountains! "Oh man Shigure! You're even softer than I remember! It's like I'm kissing two big clouds!"

Tohru stood there with his mouth hung open. He couldn't even comprehend what he was seeing. This kid just walked in and started groping Shigure! It truly blew his mind when Kaito began kissing the rack!

The oldest Sohma pulled her little family member away, "How nice. I see you've been getting experience!"

"Yep!"

She brushed his hair playfully, "Be a good boy and do me a favor. I want you to try that on Yuki &amp; Kaede!"

Yuki reentered speaking casually while crossing her arms, "Kaito, if you touch me they will never find your corpse." Yuki meant that threat to the core of her being.

Kaito snickered evilly, "Challenge accepted!" Shigure handcuffed the youngster's shirt leaving him parked.

"On second thought, maybe you should just say hello to Kaede." Shigure pondered. She did love her equally perverted ken. Thus the reason she just saved his life.

"Kaede's here!" Kaito gasped. That was the reason he came by to begin with. Unfortunately, his hormones had gotten the better of him and he forgot.

"Yeah, she's upstairs. First door on the left." Yuki ratted out.

With that information, Kaito sprinted away happily.

"Mr. Honda, do you intend on closing your mouth or are you waiting for a bug to fly in?" Yuki asked.

The boy snapped out of his daze. It was a bit awkward for him to be in such a hypnotic statewith the girls staring at him.

Shaking his head to wake up, Tohru put on aforced smile, "I'm sorry! I just…sort of…uh…what just happened?" He failed.

"That was Kaito Sohma." Shigure explained leaning against the wall, "He's our family's next perv in training." The little giggle she let escape proved it to be a half-joke. "He's a baby face so nobody expects him to act any who didn't grow up with him thinks he's entering puberty. But just so you know, he's two years older than you Tohru. Do you understand?"

"Yes...and no." he said. "What I meant was…why didn't you turn into a dog?"

Yuki turned to him, "Oh right. We never told you that zodiac members can hug one other." Tohru was suddenly filled with excitement!

"What! That's so cool! Does that mean there're more boys?"

Shigure laughed at Tohru's childish question. A teenage boy wanted to meet other boys opposed to the harem of Sohma women.

Getting back to the question.

"There're two other boys. The tiger and the horse." Shigure answered closing up her kimono. "Do you wanna know who Kaito is?"

"I think I have a pretty good guess."

The peace of a calm conversation shattered in a million pieces.

"**KHAAAAAAA! GET THE HELL OFF OF ME YOU GOD DAMN PIG!**"

"KAEDE! COME ON! JUST A FEW MORE PATS!"

Tohru was genuinely concerned, "Does he treat everyone like this?" The two chicks shook their heads.

Yuki sighed, "He's in love with Kaede, for whatever reason. I tell him 'no' and he's she tells him 'no', he dilutes himself into thinking she said 'go ahead'."

Shigure added to the fire, "Remember that time he thought Kaede asked him to marry her!"

"He even saved up his money for a year to buy a ring!" Yuki said.

!

Almost an hour later when all was quiet, Kaede had snuck into the kitchen for a quick glass of milk. She was sporting a tank top and shorts having just worked out. The long ponytail of orange hair made her outfit all the more attractive.

So attractive in fact, that she even had a smirk on her face. The same way a man gains confidence in a suit. Kaede's grin was her empowering knowledge of how good that ass of hers was.

She knew it as well as her stalker.

"Hello my dear!" Kaito hummed into Kaede's neck. Jumping in surprise, she let out a fearful yelp. The jump even caused her to spill the drink.

"Kaito! I swear I'm gonna kill you if you try that again!" Kaede said grabbing a dishtowel to clean the mess.

Kaito took the rag away, "Don't worry honey. I'll get that for you." He dropped to his knees to wipe up the liquid. As he did, Kaede stood there silent. She watched him dry the mess he was somewhat responsible for making.

"There, all done." He sprouted up content with his work. Before putting the tool away, Kaede grasped his wrist gently. Not even grasping. Her palm simply fell on top of his hand.

The warm sensation her touch gave him was overwhelming. Not just physically, but on an emotional level. Her presence in this matter forced his heart to race. This was his undying love blooming in an unpredictable fashion.

"You missed a few spots." Kaede antagonized. Not wanting to anger her, Kaito regained the rag and scrubbed against the counter.

"Alright honey! I'm done!"

Kaede scoffed, "No you're not jackass. The cabinet under the sink has milk stains." Realizing his mistake, Kaito got back onto his knees to clean the door up. Not only the marks left by the milk, but the grim in general.

!

Doing Tohru's job without his knowledge, Kaede managed to get Kaito to clean the entire kitchen. By the time Yuki &amp; Tohru got home from grabbing some groceries, the kitchen was spotless.

"Okay.." Kaito panted, "I'm all finished. There's nothing else to clean. I am done!"

Kaede looked down at him evilly, "Nah, I think you should go over all of this again just to be sure. I mean really. Tohru does a better job and it sure as hell didn't take him this long!"

Frustration building, the Sohma boy tried no to yell at his love.

"I really don't like being compared to someone I don't know. So please don't say that."

"I'll say whatever I wanna say you little punk." She spat, "You just spent a full hour doing what our housekeeper does in ten minutes and it still looks horrible! You think I'm being hard on younow? Just try groping me again and I'll teach you the true meaning of punishment! I promise you that!"

His head was tucked down to the floor.

Ashamed, "I'm sorry I did that to you. I hadn't seen you in months Kaede. I missed you so I just,"

"You just what?" Kaede interrupted, "Thought It'd be okay to cop-a-feel? I sure as hell didn't miss your horn-dog ass!"

"I'm sorry. I really am. So please don't insult me anymore!" Kaito's teeth were clenched together violently taking even more of the verbal abuse.

"I'll stop when I'm done! You filthy pig! The only thing dirtier than this floor is you! Maybe you should think about what you do before you do it you stupid, little, pathetic, pig!" Kaito jumped up in a fury.

Not holding back, "GO TO HELL YOU BITCH! YOU'RE TELLING ME I'M PATHETIC AND YOU STILL COULDN'T EVEN GO TO SCHOOL REGULARLY! YEAH I'M NOT GOOD AT CLEANING! BUT AT LEAST I MANNED UP AND TOOK CARE OF MY MESS! YOU TRY TO PUSH ALL YOUR GODDAMN PROBLEMS ON OTHER PEOPLE! YUKI ISN'T THE REASON YOU SUCK AT FIGHTING! ALL I'VE EVER HEARD OUR ENTIRE LIVES IS HOW EVERYTHING IS THE 'DAMN MOUSES' FAULT! TAKE SOME FREAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS! AND IF TOHRU IS SUCH A GREAT GUY, WHERE THE HELL IS HE AT! DOES HE KNOW ABOUT YOU! DOES HE KNOW ABOUT THAT ANKLET YOU WEAR AND WHAT HAPPENS WHEN IT COMES OFF! YOU KNOW WHAT!? **I BET HE ASKED ABOUT IT WHEN YOU TWO GOT INTO BED TOGETHER!**"

Slap!

Kaito felt the long nails rip into his cheek shutting down the rant. His shock was matched to the pain.

"That's enough." Shigure ordered in anger. "You will not scream like a madman in my home. You're confounded to the guest room for the rest of the night." Shigure turned her head to the cat, "Kaede, you're not to bother him and I am the only one to see him. Is that understood?"

The cat nodded. So did the silent duo who froze in the doorway watching the break down.

!

Alone watching the moonlight, Kaito toyed with the window. 'Why did I yell like that?' He was in a self-pity similar to past ones. He's fallen into this pit of depression so many times that he knew the formula. Yet, Kaito was unable to get out of falling into it.

So many words spoken he wishes he could take back. So many happy moments that weren't deserved. Were Kaito's manic highs just anincapability to tame the sexual urges placed before him? Maybe these slumps would pass? He hoped so. 'Why do I fell like my problems will disappear…along with my death?'

Knock! Knock!

"Hello!" Shigure barged in with a hot meal. "You've never had Tohru's dinner! I'm telling you, that man can cook!"

"Is he more of a man than me?" Kaito asked.

"Why would you think that my dear boy?" The woman set the plate of teriyaki chicken, white rice, and steamed broccoli on the desk and placed herself next to her lonely male cousin. "Kaede was just upset and went too far. She didn't mean anything by it."

"Is that why I cleaned the whole kitchen?"

"I asked her to make you do that."

Confusion took place of Kaito's depression.

Shigure continued, "I've told you not to grope anymore girls. How many times have you gotten in trouble for that at school?"

"I'm sorry." Sohma whimpered. "I really am sis. I'm sorry!" They were cousins. But after the years Shigure spent helping Kaito with her bipolar disorder, they were so much closer.

Years ago, the boy couldn't control himself at all. He would yell in delight for the smallest things. Then, when corrected for his behavior, the boy would find it hard to simply continuemoving.

The only thing he was told regarding his depression: 'suck it up and be a man'! No advice on what he was secretly thinking. Thenagain…who could help him?

What do you say when you're questioning your existence? What do you do? Just keep staring at the ceiling looking for peace? Listening to same slow songs in the dark?

Kaito did as instructed. Nothing. For a year, nobody knew what went on inside the teen's mind.

It wasn't until Shigure walked into a third floor room with her cousin creeping out the window.

From that day, Shigure became an outlet. She listened to whatever her family had to say. She tutored him on how to control himself around girls. She even made a room for him to come by at any time at her house. Eventually, they went from 'cousin Shigure' and 'cousin Kaito' to 'Big sister Shigure' and 'Little brother Kaito'.

"It's quite alright." She took him into a hug, "I forgave you when it happened. I just want you to be happy without angering other people."

"Shigure?" Kaito asked, "Do you have any idea how a man feels when he's in love with a woman?"

The inner pervert came to surface, "Oh yes I do!"

"…" Needless to say, Kaito's eyes shot open.

Sighing, "This is where you say, 'Shigure you big perv!' Grab my tits and all that stuff."

Kaito squinted, "Didn't you just tell me not to grope women?"

Poking his small cheeks, "I'm your only exception!"

!

Morning came. Kaito's face was still sore, but there was a bright smile on it. He wasn't happy to be leaving. He was happy to have visited his love, his friend, and his sister. Now, it was time to make peace with his rival.

"Tohru Honda." He alerted, "Before I go, I just have one question!"

"Uh sure?" Honda was cautious of Kaito not knowing what to expect. He made sure to be arms reach away before letting Sohma go any further.

"Can you show me how to cook that way? I mean…wow man! You can seriously grill!" Kaito's hand was extended out for a shake.

Tohru took the offer, "Certainly!"

Now that the air was clear, Kaito pivoted to the door. He opened it and walked out heading back home.

POOF!

Or not! The papergirl was early! To make it worse, she bumped right into Kaito!

The brown dust settled to find Yuki holding a rolled up paper ball.

"My smoke bombs are still off by a few seconds." She pretended to just now notice the girl on her back, "Oh! I'm so sorry! Did I bump into you?!" This time was used wisely by Kaede to sneak Kaito and his clothes back inside the house.

Now safely away, Kaito was plucked off the ground. The housekeeper stared intently at the animal before him.

"He's a…pig?" Tohru asked.

"Well herp-de-derp dumbass! I've been calling him a pig since his swine flu infested ass got here!" Kaede groaned, "What'd you think he was?"

Tohru, with his big brown childhood innocent eyes, "I was kind of thinking he'd be a cock."

Shigure fell to the ground, "Haaa-Ha! HA-HA! AHHHH! HAAAAAAA! **HAAAA-HAAAAA! AHHH-HAAAA!**"

END

Jet: Once again, I've had problems with depression but not manic depression/ bipolar disorder. It's a pretty serious topic. If you fell as though you need help, go get it. On a lighter note, anyone know how the Sohma's are related to one another? Ex: Is Kagura/Kaito somebody's niece/nephew? That basic thing.

Shigure: So, you gonna disappear for two months again?

Kaede: Maybe the story will be deleted for athird time before chapter six.

Jet: Very funny. Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta go to work.

Yuki: That's why you've been gone for so long?

Tohru: Congratulations!


	6. Chapter 6

Jet: And Action!

Tohru's Uncle: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. 'Fruits Basket is owned by 'Funimation', 'TV Tokyo', 'Tokyo Pop', and Natsuki Takaya. Please support the official release.

Jet: Okay. Let's get started.

Ch. 6. Home: The place or region where something is native or most common.

Kaede, rocking out to her metal music, walked past Tohru's room. She paused noticing the door was open. Which it never was.

Her shoulder length ponytail swung back with her retraction. Inside was, well Tohru Honda. The light brown haired, bulk, housekeeper of her cousin Shigure Sohma.

He seemed…depressed. Not only that, but he was packing up clothes. There wasn't much to pack since his room was what the former storage of a small tent was. But why was he packaging to begin with?

"Yo! Sweeper boy!" Kaede called coming in.

"Oh! Kaede! Hi! I didn't hear you come in."

"That's cause I didn't knock." Kaede's social skills were as good as ever. "So where're you going?"

Tohru sighed, "Home."

"Aren't you home right now?" she questioned. This was becoming more and more difficult for the boy to say. So he did.

"I mean, with my grandma. I was living in the tent while renovations were being done to her house. I figured, 'I'm a guy. I can live on my own for a while.' But the house is done so…I'm going back."

Kaede stood there stunned at what she had just heard. She was certain that Tohru was going to be there at least until the year was over! Now…this boy was leaving.

"Oh." She rubbed the back of her neck. "Well. I don't know what to say. When're you leaving?"

"Tonight." Mind-blowing information wasn't even close to how Kaede summed this up. It was almost too much for her. So much that she walked out without another word.

Tohru looked at his clothes and whimpered, "Oh man!"

!

"Yuki!" Shigure called. "Aren't you going to say goodbye to your Tohru?" The oldest Sohma stood there waiting for an answer. Her long hair blew in the wind revealing her hips for once. Tohru, not meaning to, took a peek after following the end of the dog's black locks.

"Are you staring at my but you naughty boy?" Shigure teased.

"Ah! No! I mean yes! I didn't mean to! Sorry!"

"It's alright my little pup." She patted Tohru's shoulder. "Would you mind doing me a favor?"

"Sure." Tohru answered.

"Make sure you're happy. You're going to find yourself in positions where you might not like the journey. But try to choose the journey you won't regret. Understand?"

"Yes Shigure."

She looked intently at her former housekeeper. Not in lust like she's done so many times before. Shigure admired Tohru as family. Now he was leaving.

"How about one more for the road." Shigure asked.

"One more what?" Tohru asked.

POOF!

Tohru bent down to the full-grown Akita rubbing her belly, "I'm gonna miss you Shigure."

!

She sat in her room cringed up trying not to cry. Yuki saw everything through the window almost an hour ago. She watched in depression as Shigure drove Tohru back home.

The mouse couldn't bring herself to say goodbye. Not after every moment they created. Every laugh they shared. Even though it had been done in such a short time, Yuki was wondering if she had a feeling rumored amongst most people. Now, it might never come to light.

(Flashback-Ch.4)

"Oh no!" Yuki barked. Looking out the window, she saw the clouds approaching toward the 'base'.

"What's wrong Yuki?" Tohru asked finishing sweeping the floor.

She bolted toward the door, "My base is gonna be ruined!"

"Her what?" Kaede questioned after. She cared more about what a 'base' was in this scenariothan what Yuki was upset about.

"I remember some of the boys in my neighborhood had a base that they kept girls out of. It even had a mini fridge."

"Not that kind of base my little pup." Shigure stated. "The princess likes to garden. She has fruits and other things out back."

The boy was confused, "But it's about to rain. So wouldn't that help?"

Stretching after her meal, "Well I think she's worried about the wind and stuff."

That was all the motivation he needed to chase after Yuki

"Oh Yuki!" he called.

"Mr. Honda!" Yuki said running to her garden. "What're you doing here?"

"Helping you protect the base." The wind blasted the two teens as they approached a large patch of fruits coming from the ground.

Waiting in the shed was a large tarp that Yuki grabbed roughly. She spent so long on the strawberries and couldn't afford to lose them now! It wasn't an option. But Tohru's presence was his own decision.

"Mr. Honda!" Yuki shouted over the inauguration of stinging rain.

"Come on!" he said with a smile. "What kind of man would I be if I just let you do this-"

The boy was cut off with a smack to face of a flying twig.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

Rubbing his face, "let you do this on your own?"

'Well…that was odd' the mouse thought.

(Ch. 5)

In the dead of night, Kaede sat on the roof looking into the star lit sky. She wondered if she would ever get Kaito off her ass. Literally and metaphorically.

"Hey Kaede!" Tohru said surprising her. He was laying on the edge of the house with his feet hanging off the corner.

Kaede was still leaning casually, "How the hell did you get up here?"

"The same way you did: I climbed." Honda crawled on the roof until he was next to the cat.

"So what was all that about?"

"What?"

Tohru took a more strict tone, "Making Kaito clean up the entire kitchen. Then after he did, you made fun of him! You don't like it when Yuki does it to you. So why do it to him?"

Kaede sat there for a moment pondering how this boy, above anyone else, managed to get her to shut up and listen so easily.

"He won't shut up about getting me to fall in love with him! I hate it! He's like a little kid!"

Sitting with his legs crossed, "Well, try finding common ground. That way you two can at least have a way to communicate without fighting or…whatever him groping you qualifies as." As much of a saint Tohru was, even he knew what was seriously wrong with that statement.

"Tried that. Didn't work."

"What didn't work?"

"He hates martial arts."

Tohru remembered that Kaede and Yuki had stated something about martial arts before. But he never did ask.

"You're into martial arts?" he decided to ask.

"Oh hell yeah!" Kaede stood up. "I love it! It's not just a self-defense! It's a life style! Learning how to fight is like learning how to experience life in a new way! You don't just get physically stronger! I was a weakling in every sense of the word before I became a black belt! Aw man! I can't wait to visit Master Kaname again! She's the smartest person on this planet!" Her rambling stopped with a slip.

The tile under her foot came out leaving her to fall! Before the cat could ram her head to the roof, Tohru lunged out catching Kaede! It was, for all intent, a close call.

"You okay?" he asked. Kaede seemed to notice herself blushing. The girl was being held bridal style. At that angle, Tohru could see all of Kaede's facial features. But what enticed him, was her lovely hair shimmering in the moonlight.

"Uh! Yeah! Yeah! I'm all good!" She replaced herself sitting like a nervous child.

Tohru wanted to cheer up his friend. If they were friends to begin with. Insults can either define or cast a fog on a relationship.

Despite that, how do you cheer up a tomboy?

"Right Straight!" With a friendly punch to the arm! That left an awkward silence.

"Okay…first of all," Kaede said with a humble smile, "if you're going to punch me, at least put some effort into it."

Yeah, they were friends.

(Present day)

"Tohru!" his uncle called, "Would you mind coming down here?" The boy was a little reluctant and scared to answer the call.

Ever since he moved in two days ago, he's been yelled at about how he does his work. For example, when he tried to cook dinner last night, he was scolded not to take over.

"Yes Uncle?" he said coming into the living room. There stood his uncle, aunt, and cousin. They held a scowl as if even how Tohru walked was wrong.

"Sit down. We need to talk."

Obeying orders, "What about?"

"Well, I had a detective look into it and I found out that you were living with three unmarried women! Mind telling why that is?"

Tohru explained, "Well…Yuki &amp; Kaede are still freshmen so of course they aren't married."

His cousin snickered at the accidental roasting, "Damn dad! You got burned!"

"Watch your mouth!" the aunt yelled.

"Tohru." He said, "I'd like to know what you doing with three girls."

"I was their housekeeper."

"You're a boy! You're not supposed to clean and cook! You're supposed to work!"

"That was my job. I was sweeping the floors and making rice!"

"In what term?" the uncle asked. "I mean: there were three lonely ladies and they stumble upon an attractive young man and all he's telling us is that they made him 'clean up'. So I'm curious. Did they ever have you…clean the bedrooms?"

"No! We did not! I can clean my own room!"

All the heads snapped back to the open door to find Kaede! Chainmail pants and a black 1980's rock t-shirt with the sleeves ripped off. Her signature orange ponytail rustled in the breeze.

"Who the hell are you?" the aunt asked. She scanned Kaede from her old shoes to herunorthodox shirt. Honda's aunt scrunched her face in distaste for the teen rebel.

Kaede hated people like her. So arrogant and judgmental.

That's why she looked at her and stated with an attitude, "As far as you're concerned, I might as well be Tohru's girlfriend! And he's coming home right now!" Kaede wanted her bluff to sound like a boast. From Tohru's sweaty face, it worked.

"'Girlfriend'?" the cousin shouted.

"He is home!" the uncle debated.

"No!" Tohru stood up, "I'm not. She's right. My home is with them."

The uncle smacked his lips, "Well…this isn't a surprise. I mean…after how much of a gangster your dad was, I wouldn't put it past his son to live in a whore house."

WHAM!

The insult got the man a well-deserved punch! Kaede wasn't behind it. Neither was Yuki who was waiting outside. Tohru wouldn't hurt a fly. So who hit him?

No other that Tohru's Grandma!

"That's quite enough." She spoke with a hushed rasp. "I don't want to hear anymore slander about my son. Now if you'd please shut up before I throw you out." She turned toward Tohru, "Are you going to leave?"

He tried not to look away. All Tohru could do was whimper.

"Yes grandma. I'm sorry."

"It's alright my little Kyoya." Kaede stood there confused. Tohru was used to being called by his father's name. Whenever he was around his grandma, it became his middle name.

"Don't do anything you'll regret. And promiseme that you'll come and visit me. I can't stand obnoxious people." She meant…well it's kind of obvious whom she meant.

"Yes grandma." Tohru said with a smile.

!

The three walked into the Sohma house, "A backpack, a 25 pound dresser with 5 pounds of clothes, a lamp and a picture." Kaede complained. "Why do I get the freaking backpack!?"

"Do you want the dresser instead?" Yuki mocked. Yuki carried the lamp and picture. Tohru, punishing himself for the back and forth moving, bench-pressed the dresser with his clothes inside all the way from hisgrandmother's home. Kaede had the backpack full of textbooks.

"Why didn't you come inside Yuki?" Tohru asked.

"Well…I didn't want to intrude."

The cat interrupted, "She was being a punk."

"At least I don't dress like one! Stupid cat!"

"DAMN MOUSE!"

"Hey kids!" Shigure cheered upon seeing the three.

She cradled Tohru's head in her bust, "Oh! My little pup is home! I missed you Tohru! To celebrate, we're gonna have a bon-fire!"

Trying to speak clearly, "Uh Shigure, I can't breathe!"

She removed the teenage worker, "Sorry about that. Now how about that bon-fire? Let's go to my room."

"How do you have a bon-fire in a room?" Tohru asked.

"Simple," her perverted face descended only millimeters from Tohru's innocent stare, "We'll use the bed. I'll bring the matches. All you need is some hard wood."

-Please Stand By-

The ass kicking Kaede &amp; Yuki gave Shigure was so brutal, the author couldn't air it.

Lying on the ground in pain, Shigure smiled. It wasn't just Yuki who beat her up for flirting with Tohru. Kaede got into the mix as well. But why was that?

Shigure got up and spoke under her breath, "Let the love triangle begin."

END

Kaede: Where's my salmon!

Jet: Maybe your boyfriend can buy you some!

Kaede: Uh, at least I have a love life! When was the last time you went on a date?

Jet:...(Runs to the corner) Whaaaa!


	7. Chapter 7

Sora: Are we starting now?

Jet: Action!

Sora: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. 'Fruits Basket is owned by 'Funimation', 'TV Tokyo', 'Tokyo Pop', and Natsuki Takaya. Please support the official release.

(Based off a conversation I had about the commercial for an anti-depression medicine that stated 'may cause lack of muscle movement' and 'may become permanent')

Jet: Did you take your pills today?

Sora:…Yes.

Jet: Uh, take your medicine.

Sora:…But…I already did.

Jet: Are you sure?

Sora: (Takes pills) WHOOO! I FEEL GOOD! I FEEL GREAT! I! AM! SUPERMAN! Hey, is that kryptonite? (Passes out)

Jet: Medic!

Ch. 7: Brotherly Love

"What!?" Akira shouted. "You're living with Yuki &amp; Kaede?"

Tohru just got through confessing to his friends what the past six chapters have been about.

"I didn't want you guys to worry about me."

"What're you talkin' bout man? You're supposed to tell us when you're, what's the word I'm looking for?"

"Homeless?" Sora blankly stated.

"Yes!"

Tohru tried to justify his actions, "Well, Akira, you live in an apartment and you're struggling as it is. Plus, Sora has enough siblings. I didn't want to over,"

"That's not the point!" Akira barked. "We would've found a way to make it work if you had just told us man! Think about it: what if something happened to you while you were in the forest? If princess hadn't shown up, then you might have gotten killed!"

Sora interrupted, "Actually, I think Tohru can handle himself. You are being paranoid Akira."

"Fine. But I still think we should check out his new crib! How do we know Yuki isn't from a family of cursed spirits or something?"

Tohru did not dare a say a word about that statement. He didn't want to run the risk of revealing the curse.

The spikey blonde scratched his head, "So…tell orange top &amp; Ms. Perfect that were visiting Saturday. Got it?"

!

"How in the hell did you not tell him 'no'!?" Kaede shouted. Tohru had just informed the Sohma's of Akira's plan to invade the home in two days. Needless to say, Kaede was upset of how Tohru just went with his friend's demand.

"You're a man aren't you!? Grow a set!"

Yuki pandered in, "Funny. You act as if your body is full of testosterone, I thought you had a set." Kaede was rather bulk for an average girl, but there was no-way she could have beenmistaken for a boy. Her curves were too good for that.

"At least my body is filled in you b-cup bitch!"

"I'd rather be flat chested than have tits so big I'm forced to wear triple x-l shirts!"

"Don't compare me to Shigure &amp; Asako you kiss-ass!"

"Being nice isn't the same as being a 'kiss-ass' you stupid cat!"

"Say that to my face you damn mouse!"

POOF!

POOF!

Not wanting the situation to escalate, Tohru got in between the two and hugged them. The cat and mouse fell to the floor as the boy's plan backfired. A scene from 'Tom &amp; Jerry' played out as Kaede took after Yuki in their animal forms.

They got to the living room before Tohru yelled, "KAEDE! SIT!" Like every time, she sat on her hind legs to the command.

"Oh! Now you can tell somebody to 'stop'!"

Shigure stepped in picking up Yuki, "You twodo realize that it's my decision to let Tohru's friends visit. And that I already said 'okay'.Tohru was just letting you two know what was going on because he's polite. So be on your best behavior. We don't want the boys to know our secret now do we?"

"You have another motive for this don't you?" Kaede asked.

Yuki sighed, "Isn't it obvious?"

!

Saturday afternoon, Shigure walked around in the most festive mood of her life. Why?

"High school boys! High school boys! 1! 2! 3! High school boys!"

"How are you not in jail?" Yuki asked.

Winking at the mouse, "You can't get arrested for thinking."

The doorbell rang.

"I'll get it!" Tohru said heading for the door.

"I wonder what kind of friends these boys are." Shigure pondered, "Are they muscular? Casanovas? Perhaps they're the sensitive type?"

Kaede burst the perverted bubble, "Akira is a thug and Sora is a pyromaniac who needs to be on pills 24/7."

The only noise was the breeze let in from Tohru opening the door. Shigure's fantasy of (censored) with two young boys was crushedinto dust.

"Shigure, these are my friends Akira Uotani &amp; Sora Hanajima." She saw two boys. One wasabout a foot taller than Tohru with spikey hair similar to that of a 'super saiyan'. His build was similar to Tohru's, but had a rougher cut in their definition do to his life of fighting. The other was about 6-inches shorter than Tohru with a bland bald fade hair cut with an even blander expression sown onto his face. His skin was pale and his Goth clothes were straight out of 'Hot Topic'.

'I was working myself up for these two?' Shigure thought.

"A dog." Sora said.

The girl's found themselves on edge! With how Sora rarely jokes, it was easy to say that the 'dog' statement wasn't in reference to Shigure's sexual hunger.

"You didn't tell us they had a pet." Akira said. Sure enough, a puppy had wondered into the house through the backyard that connected to the woods.

"Where'd that little thing come from?" Yuki asked.

!

"So…hot stuff!" Akira boasted, "How do ya pay the bills around here?"

Shigure giggled, "Oh! What a flirt you are!" The other three residents were taken aback by the dog's unfamiliar bashful nature. "I'm a novelist!"

Tohru's mouth swung open, "That's so cool! What kind of books do you write?"

Yuki, knowing the answer to that, cuffed herolder cousin's mouth, "I think it's better if you don't know."

"It's dime store smut. Isn't it?" Sora guessed.

Casually speaking, "Well, I wouldn't call it 'dime store smut' exactly. It's more along the lines of, what happens after the words 'happily ever after' are spoken."

The teenagers considered two options: pretend they didn't just here that, or dig the grave even deeper.

"So how about you tell us about how you three met." Shigure asked. Akira &amp; Sora snapped out of their shock.

"Alright." Akira began, "I was getting jumped by a rival gang when Tohru's dad stepped in to stop them. He took,"

"Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!" Kaede interrupted"What do you mean 'rival gang'? You're not just some punk with a bad haircut?"

Smacking the table, "You're one to talk about bad hair lookin' like somethin' out of an American 1990's music video! And yeah, I used to be in a gang. But Tohru talked me outta it. That's why he's my little bro!"

"Yep!" Tohru cheered.

The girls sat there not wanting to know how Tohru found the courage (or stupidity) to standup to a gangster. Or why his father would do the same. They knew that Tohru would help someone in need at the drop of a hat. But the thought of him going that far was…frightening.

Shigure was desperate to change the subject, "So Sora! How did you become friends with Tohru?"

"Uh, Shigure." Tohru said. "I don't think that's a good idea."

Kaede scoffed resting on the table, "Can't be much worse than some meeting with a gangster."

Sora blinked and started, "I had just transferred to the middle school from my last school's incident."

The girls repeated in unison "'Incident'?"

"There was a…wonderful fire that took the entire west wing. Screams of fear engulfed under the flames. The students made it out through the embers. But the boy who was mean to the class hamster…was coated in the inferno known as justice." The vacant stare in his eye was enough to frighten Tohru &amp; Akira. The emotionless tone sank under the girl's skin.

"No one messes with Mr. Bunny the hamster."

This resulted in all the surrounding persons panicking in an orderly fashion.

"I gotta go to the bathroom!" Yuki said.

Kaede, "Uh…I'm going to see if my homework is done!"

Shigure, "I'm going to see how my manuscript is doing!"

Tohru, "I think I left the stove on fire!"

Sora, "I'll help you check!"

Akira, "Time for your pills Sora!"

!

Tohru had gone into the kitchen to make snacks leaving his friends alone. After two rounds of poker, Akira spoke up.

"Yuki, why do you think Tohru didn't tell us that he was living with you?"

Yuki didn't seem fazed by the boy's concern. Even though she was skeptical herself.

"I think it's because he likes to keep to himself. You two have things in your lives that you don't ever want to tell others. Even if they're your best friends."

Sora stared at the princess seeing through her words. What she really meant behind her analysis of Tohru.

"But were bros ya know? I promised the guy that I'd help him out no matter what!" His voice and pride descended, "So why did he turn to you instead of me?"

Shigure rested her head on her hand, "Well, he was camping in the woods; which is my property. So that explains why it was us and no one else. But as Yuki just said, Tohru tends to bottle up his stress. He's the type to hold things in not wanting to bother others. He believes that others are more important than him. I'm not sure if he has a low self-esteem or, more likely, he has the rare pure intent of wanting to help people. Of course, it'd be better if he let others in on what he wants every now and again. But…that's what makes Mr. Honda a man among boys."

"Are you sure you haven't written anything inspirational?" Sora asked.

Shigure smiled, "Oh right. I was just messing with you. There's a book self in the other room of all my less vulgar work."

Akira was eager to read it. So he got up and headed for the books.

"Are the snacks ready yet or," Kaede was cut off with something that caught everyone's attention.

POOF!

On her way back from the bathroom, Kaede had bumped into the Yankee!

'That stupid cat!' Yuki groaned turning around. Frantically, the two females darted back to the hallway!

The dust settled to reveal…Tohru. He was holding a tray of rice balls blocking Akira's view. Beneath his feet, Kaede squired away with her clothes in her mouth.

"TA-DA!" Tohru shouted. "Orange flavored rice-balls! I figured I was taking too long so I wanted to add a show for you guys! What'd you think?"

Yuki tried to hide her laughter. The magician routine was starting to grow on her.

"Uh…wasn't orange top coming through?" Akira asked.

"Why do I have the feeling of a cat's presence in the house?" Sora asked himself.

Tohru was frozen with the smile on his face not sure what to do. He was sweating bullets after the first 10 seconds. He finally had the perfect alibi!

"I was doing an impersonation to get your attention for the smoke! Did it work?"

The dog &amp; mouse face-palmed together. They adored Tohru, but that was a weak excuse. To be fair, it was better than what they did. Which was nothing.

!

After an hour of card games, interaction, and Kaede's return, the boys decided to go home. They were content with Tohru's stay at the Sohma residence.

"Hey Tohru!" Akira called.

"Yeah?" he answered. Akira's finger opened and closed signaling Tohru to come. Like an obedient pet, Tohru approached his friend.

"What's up?" Honda asked.

"Ya know that you're gonna have to choose one of the girl's right? If ya don't, then it's only gonna screw you over in the end."

The falling sun added to the unsettling conversation. A reddish orange shadow layacross everything around them.

"What?" Tohru asked. He was still trying to put together if Akira was insulting the Sohmas, or if he was simply messing with Tohru.

"Try to pay attention to how they act around you from now on. Yuki is a little less obvious than Kaede. But…ah you'll see what I mean! I give the chicks until new years to confess."

"Confess what?" the boy questioned.

Akira walked off with Sora who was extremely passive during that talk. He wouldn't even look Tohru in the eye.

There was one more mystery for Tohru to solve.There was one more problem he might drown in.

END

Jet: Well, this chapter sucked. Then again, I'm following the manga, which wasn't as 'active' as the anime.

Miho: So am I up next? Huh? Am I? Please tell me I'm showing up next time!

Jet:…Who're you? How did you get in here?

Miho: I'm Momiji's feminine side!

Hinata: Miho!

Jet: Who's that yelling?

Miho: Hatori's feminine side.

Hinata: (Walks into the office) What did I tell you about wondering off!

Jet: (sprouts a tail and dog-ears) HELLO NURSE!

Hinata: I am Doctor Hinata Sohma. Geez, this is why I hate men.

Princess Yuki Fan Club: (Nose bleeds from yuri thoughts).


	8. Chapter 8

Jet: This is so awkward. I was new to manga &amp; anime when I started reading Fruits Basket so I wasn't used to the whole 'Shota' concept. I thought that the kiss on cheek Momiji gave Tohru was a Yuri scene and that that 'he' and 'boy' were all typos since I was reading online. Then he hugged her. Even still, I said, 'I thought they transformed for the opposite sex?' After re-reading the chapter six times…it finally hit me.

'Good God! That rabbit has a monkey!'

Kaede: Wow! You're an idiot.

Jet: Said the pot to the kettle!

Miho: Excuse me? If it's alright with you…

Jet: And Action!

Miho: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. 'Fruits Basket is owned by 'Funimation', 'TV Tokyo', 'Tokyo Pop', and Natsuki Takaya. Please support the official release.

Jet: Sorry for thinking you were a girl.

Miho: I am now.

Jet: Shut up you damn rabbit!

Miho: I'm not a rabbit! I'm a bunny!

Ch. 8: What's Your Wild Rabbit?

The 1-D class was in the middle of discussing the culture festival. What they should do? How should they do it? All thegood and complicated stuff that nobody wants to talk about.

"Any ideas?" Yuki asked. The class stood silent for a small amount of time before Kaede raised her hand.

Blatantly ignoring her orange haired cousin, "Does anyone have any ideas?"

"I will eat you!" Kaede snarled.

"Come one Yuki." A boy said, "Let's hear what she's got."

Not having much choice, Yuki let Kaede speak.

"Well," she began, "How about a fighting tournament! Pay $5 to enter. The winner gets 50% of the money and the rest goes to us!"

"Not a chance." Yuki said.

"Why not?"

"Because we can't have fighting on school property."

"Oh…I got it! We'll take it to the junkyard!"

A good percentage of the class spoke up, "No way!" Did their reasoning really need any explanation?

"How about a rice ball shop?" Tohru stated. "We can sell all different types at the festival. That seems like a safe bet."

The class murmured in agreement. Tohru's idea was solid. He was getting a mild praise that invoked a smile across his face.

"Alright then." Yuki declared, "We'll have a rice ball shop. All in favor?" Those who did raised their hands. This was the entire class.

Well most of the class.

Those who didn't vote weren't against Honda. They were just too busy looking at the swarm of cats around Kaede!

"What the hell?" someone shouted.

Tohru &amp; Yuki stood there in shock. Well, Honda a little more than Sohma since she knew what was happening.

The classmates were just focused on the felines.

"Where'd all these cats come from?"

"Are they Kaede's pets?"

"They're so cute!"

"Can I have one Kaede?"

"Goddamn it! I just bought these shoes!"

Kaede got up and, of course, stormed out. The litter of cats followed, as did Tohru.

!

"So…cats just come to the members of the zodiac?" he asked. The two were high upon the roof of the school. The cats were gone and they were alone.

"For me yeah. It's dogs with Shigure &amp; snakes with the snake." Kaede lay on her side letting her long legs stretch out past the mini-skirt. Like a gentleman, Tohru didn't, or at least tried, not to look at the cat's creamy skin.

"That's sounds fun." Tohru said. He didn't truly mean it. He just saw that Kaede needed a motivation. An odd choice, but Tohru is an odd boy.

"It's not fun! I was with Kaito one time and I thought those boars were gonna kill us!" Kaede complained. Tohru brushed it off as Kaede being argumentative again.

"Did Kaito need you when the boars showed up?" Honda asked. Okay, that 'brushing it off' was a lie.

"Yeah! He was just a little kid then! I wasn't exactly a karate black belt yet. But I had to fight them off." Kaede answered.

"So we need you to help us with this rice ball shop. Okay?"

Kaede faced the housekeeper. The dimwitted janitor actually caught onto what was bothering the girl without her say.

"I know you don't like Yuki, but this is kind of important. So maybe you two could put aside whatever it is you hate about one another for the festival." Tohru stated. He wasn't sure if that would help or not. However, it was an alternate to being passive and letting Kaede miss the rest of the school day.

"It's always about her isn't it?" Kaede growled. She suddenly stood up and headed toward the fence blocking the path to a terminal fall.

"Kaede?" Tohru called. He wanted to make sure Kaede wouldn't try to climb over.

Suddenly, the girl began shaking the steel diamonds! Roughly and angrily, they rattled against their own structure as Kaede screamed!

"GODDAMN IT! WHY IS EVERYTHING ALWAYS ABOUT YUKI! YUKI! YUKI! YUKI! WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!?" The loud clanking was second to the wrathful shrieks, "IT'S NOT FAIR! WHY DO I HAVE TO HAVE THE SAME LAST NAME AS HER?! WHY AM I ALWAYS SECOND!? WHY CAN'T PEOPLE NATURALLY RESPECT ME!?WHY IS SHE SO PERFECT!? WHY AM I SO STUPID!?WHY! WHY! Why? Why am I so…stupid?" the violent pulls descended into helpless punches, "Why can't I be like her? Why can't I be smart? Why can't I be beautiful? Why can't I be like that damn mouse? Just one day…I'd like to be…perfect. Just like...her."

POOF!

Tohru heard every word taking it to heart. He couldn't bear to see Kaede in such pain. He just had too much kindness to allow the cat to torture herself.

He didn't give her any words. There wasn't a lesson that needed to be learned. This was just venting out frustration. Who was Tohru to deny Kaede from that?

!

Tohru's workplace. Well, after hours anyway. The outside of the windows only showed the break of night. The lights allowed Honda to see his way as he walked out.

Unfortunately, it was blocked.

"Excuse me." a little child said. The girl stood directly in front of Tohru. Her blue overalls complimented by the pink long-sleeve shirt and pink highlights in her blonde curls. The pant length only went to her knees revealing her pink and blue striped stockings.

It was a simple, yet fashionable outfit. The overall appeal of this girl was to be admired. All four foot and nine inches of her.

"Uh yes?" he said.

"Are you Tohru Honda?" she asked.

"Yes, I am." The child looked to the teenager. Then she panned to the left and then to the right. They were alone.

She gestured for Tohru to bend down so they were face to face. Tohru did as she asked letting the girl come to his ear.

She cuffed it and whispered, "You're the most handsome man I've ever seen and I'd love to be in your arms for the remainder of my life."

Tohru swung his head back so they were eye to wide-open was a mistake. Since the bunny gently placed her lips on top of Tohru's!

The girl stole a kiss from the teenager she had just met! Not on the cheek or the forehead or anywhere you're allowed to kiss after you've kissed on the lips. A full, to the letter, mouth-to-mouth, kiss!

She broke contact and sprinted off, "Bye-bye! My sweet prince!"

Tohru stood there not knowing what to say…or knowinganything for that matter. He was frozen with the taste of bubblegum in his mouth.

He wasn't chewing gum before then. Nevertheless, he was now contemplating spitting it out.

!

The culture festival! Yuki was in a mix of emotion. She was happy that the rice balls were selling.

She was in delight that everyone was enjoying themselves. She was stressing out over the fact that Kaede was being loud and obnoxious while selling the rice balls. However, Yuki was considerate of her cousin since she was pressured into wearing a skimpy little waitress outfit seen in every single anime known to man. They were both pissed off that they were both in a skimpy little waitress outfit along with the rest of the girls of 1-D!

Frilly, only went to the hamstrings, and having all the boys drool over you was too much for the Sohma girls to handle.

"I am so going to kill Tohru for this!" Kaede vowed under her breath. The shop was Tohru's idea. But the other boys wanted to see the cat and mouse in dresses.

"You know this isn't his fault. Now get back to work you lazy cat." Yuki ordered.

"I know you did not just call me 'lazy'!"

"Well you're slacking off. Aren't you?"

"I just don't wanna work in this stupid dress!"

A girly voice entered the room, "Can I wear it then? I wonder if there's one in my size."

Yuki, "Miho?"

Kaede, "Momiji!"

Tohru, "Bubblegum!"

Momiji, "Honda!"

Before the smallest Sohma could make contact with Tohru, Momiji was suspended midair by the tallest Sohma, Hinata.

Short black hair covered one side of her gorgeous face. Well-dressed business attire and a black purse to go with the black high-heels and lipstick. Not a gothic look, but a very sexual darkness about her kept the boys at attention. Even the bland Sora was blushing!

Tohru noticed one thing above anything else. This woman was an altered clone of Shigure! She was the same height and the same skin tone. The same hairstyle, just trimmed down. And of course, even the innocent Honda boy had taken notice.

Akira whistled followed by, "God almighty! Look at that body! I think I could sleep in those things!" You know those cliché anime girls with breast bigger than their heads? She was one of those.

So yes, Tohru noticed that she was almost equal to Shigure in bust size. The dog was still larger, but Hinata was a good D-cup. What Tohru focused on however was the scowl imprinted upon her beautiful face. Tohru found it to be rather sad.

'Such a waste of perfection.' he thought.

"Momiji." Hinata scorned, "What did I tell you about running off? You're not a child."

"But I wanna see cousin Yuki &amp; cousin Kaede!" Miho whined. That statement sent the classroom into frenzy.

"Yuki! You have another cousin?" They all asked randomly.

Sighing, "Yes. This is Momiji Sohma. She's,"

The girls ran toward her, "ADORABLE!" They swanned over her hair in jealousy. It was short lived as more fan-service was presented.

"When did you become a girl, Yuki?" Hinata asked mocking her.

Smiling devilishly, "Please. You know damn well I'm all woman, Hinata."

The tone in her voice brought one thing to all the boy's minds.

'Yuri!'

"She's the family doctor." Yuki insured. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have an appointment."

!

"Ow! Kaede why'd you hit me?!" Momiji whined.

"Why'd you barge in like that you little brat?!" Kaede turned to Tohru, "And you! Who the hell is 'bubblegum'!?"

"Aw!" Miho, suddenly healed of all stat ailments, was delighted, "You remember my present! Can I give you another one?"

"Uh…no thanks." Tohru said crossing his arms.

The group had found their way to the nurse's office so Yuki could get her check up behind a curtain. Kaede found this time to punish Momiji for Hinata.

Miho smiled a sweet little girl smile, "Don't you worry Tohru! It's not as good as the first one. But you'll like it just as much!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked.

"Well, you do wanna know what animal I am?"

Tohru's false base of anger was destroyed. He came to a smile,eager to find out what Momiji was! Her zodiac form would come to light!

Or not.

"You're not hugging Tohru!" Kaede said locking the height challenged blonde in a full nelson. "Do you ever thinkMomiji?!"

"You just want that sexy stud all to yourself!" she boasted. Embarrassed, Kaede dropped her hold.

"What that's supposed to mean!"

Leaping into the boy's arms, "My turn!"

POOF!

Hinata came from the curtain, "Do you morons mind? I'm trying to see if Yuki is healthy."

She was greeted by an angry girl in an orange ponytail, a handsome and strong teenager on the ground, and a little yellow bunny with pink stripes in placement of the highlights.

"…Momiji…you're grounded."

END

Jet: Okay so I've been watching the original Japanese version of 'Yugioh' and apparently, Tristan's real name is 'Honda'. I couldn't stop laughing since his 'season 0' counterpart was just so,

Hinata: Yeah, yeah, whatever. So am I going to be the main focus next time or what?

Jet:…

Hinata: Take a picture. It'll last longer.

Jet: (Runs off) Where's my camera!

Miho: Wait! Is my name Miho or Momiji?

Jet: Fan's decide!


	9. Chapter 9

Hinata: I don't have all day here!

Jet: And Action!

Hinata: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. 'Fruits Basket is owned by 'Funimation', 'TV Tokyo', 'Tokyo Pop', and Natsuki Takaya. All mentioned products, TV shows/movies, and/or other franchises are owned by their respective owners/parties and/or companies. Please support the official release.

Jet:…Uh, that extra part wasn't in the script.

Hinata: You're welcome. You perverted, novelist wannabe.

Jet: Oh…I'm gonna have fun with your character!

Hinata: Like what?

Jet: WONDER WRITER POWERS ACTIVATE! FORM OF…I'LL THINK OF SOMETHING!

Hinata: (Rolls eyes)

Ch. 9: Frost Bitten Heart

Tohru stood at the gate of the main Sohma house. The walls went on until they were out of sight. In astonishment, he didn't know if he should knock on the gate twice his size, or wait for something to happen.

Hinata had slipped Tohru a note during the culture festival to stop by the Sohma house. She said that they 'needed to talk'.Those three simple words that had Honda's stomach in knots.

What did she want to talk about with him? Was it about Yuki &amp; Kaede? Did he do something wrong? Are his memories going to be erased?

"Hi Tohru!" Momiji said coming up from behind the wall.

In surprise, "BUBBLEGUM!"

Momiji laughed, "You're weird! Here, I'll open the gate for you!"

The wood parted and the door to the small town was revealed.

Momiji held her hand out, "Welcome to the Sohma Estate!"

!

From when he entered, Tohru wondered if he had stumbled into a ghost town. There was no one around. It was like he was lost in an unfamiliar village.

"Everyone's preparing for new years at the main house. If that's what you're wondering." Momiji said.

"Okay." Tohru said.

"Tohru." Momiji stopped. She placed herself in front of Tohru, and bowed, "I'm sorry!"

"…Huh?"

"I shouldn't have kissed you when we first met. That was wrong of me and I promise, I won't force myself on you like that again."

She understood what she had taken from him. The boy's first kiss was robbed by, at that given time, a stranger. So of course, Momiji felt bad for her actions and owned up to them.

"It's quiet alright." Tohru bowed back. "I forgive you."

"Are you forgiving her for hugging you at the culture festival?" Hinata stood behind the boy starling him.

"AH! Hinata! I mean Ms. Sohma! Hello! Good mor-."

"You can stop babbling." she interrupted. "Momiji, go get us some drinks." She handed the rabbit money dismissing her. "Come in Tohru. It's time we talk."

!

Alone with the doctor in her home, Tohru was doing his best not to sweat bullets. Hinata noticed the timid nature Honda was trying, and failing, to conceal. Thus the reason she wanted Momiji to leave them for a private conversation.

Tohru sat down looking at Hinata. Her doctor's lab coat over her skirt was a very distracting factor.

"Tell me what Shigure explained about the curse." She said.

"Well…she explained how when a member of the zodiac is hugged by the opposite sex or if their under a lot of stress, they turn into their respective animal. They can communicate with their animal and transform back after a minute or two."

"How many members have you met?"

"Shigure the dog. Kaede the cat. Yuki the mouse. Bubblegum, I mean, Momiji the bunny. And Kaito the pig."

"You forgot about me."

"Oh, what animal are you?"

Crossing her silk smooth legs, "I'll pass on that question." Tohru missed what she meant and took a guess.

"Are you the horse?"

"How'd you come up with that?" she asked.

"You seem very cunning like a horse."

"Thank you, but no. You're about two animals off."

"…Monkey?"

"No."

"Dragon?"

"You're getting sidetracked."

"Sorry. That's all I know about the curse."

"Have Kaede or Yuki told you anything else? I mean at all regarding the Sohma family and not just the curse."

Tohru had a debate going on in his mind. He heard Kaito say something regarding an anklet with Kaede. Yuki told him about Hinata being the one who erased the memories of those who found out. Kaito was just venting his frustration. Yuki was just warning him. Was there any call to lie? Could he lie?

"Yes." He couldn't do it, "Yuki informed me that my memories might be erased. But that was when I first found out."

She sighed, "Very well then. You don't know too much."

There wasn't a far difference between lying and not informing someone. Tohru was able to find that small space with the anklet.

"There are many things about us, the Sohma family, that I want you to stay clear of. I understand that Shigure is letting you live with her in that house, but that dog is a fool. If you don't want to end up in a world of pain and regret where you'll beg me to remove any knowledge of the last name Sohma, then leave that house. Go back to live with your grandmother. I cannot force you to do so. However, all I can do is warn you, if you try to get any closer to us than you are now, you will be cursed with a different kind of spirit that haunts us. Are we clear, boy?"

"I understand." Tohru said with little emotion.

"Good." Hinata rotated her chair to face the desk. She picked up the phone and began to dial, "I'll call Shigure to let her know you're leaving there."

The next words that came out of Tohru's mouth were by far the most defiant of any before.

"Excuse me?" Honda said, "But I'm not leaving until I graduate or unless Shigure asks me to do so."

Hinata paused from the final number, and hung up.

"Why do all boys have to be such a pain?" she whined. "Fine, like I said before, I'll eventually erase your memory sooner or later. You're going to be just like the rest who came before you. The only person who can help a Sohma is another Sohma."

There was a silence among the two. Tohru's eyes were hard and unmoving by the cold glare of Hinata. Nothing could disrupt their mental battle.

"I got soda!" Except Miho bursting in with three cans of sugar and caffeine.

"Thanks Momiji!" Tohru cheered getting his drink.

"We're friends aren't we?" she asked.

"Sure."

"Well, my friends call me Miho since it's shorter. So how about that?" The blonde haired bunny cheered. With that, Tohru would call her by a third name. Well a second if it's on purpose.

Hinata found the chummy talk to be insulting.

"I think that's enough talking. Mr. Honda. You may go now."

Tohru, able to take a hint, started to walk for the door. Still unsure of what made Hinata so enraged or what her zodiac animal was. The boy decided that he would find out later. Along with all the other Sohma secrets.

!

"Hinata isn't a bad person ya know." Miho said. The two were walking back to the home of Shigure. Tohru was a bit taken back by the information.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"She had a husband before. His name was Kai. Honestly, I thought he was the perfect man. So did Hinata. He was kind and funny. He knew just as much about being a doctor as she did. That's why they eloped. I never saw Hinata so happy before. Whenever they were close by each other, she had this great smile on her face. Like, nothing else mattered. She's had a bad history with men. I guess anyone would when you've been groped and given every corny pick-up line ever written throughout high school and college. So, when she became Kai's assistant, she thought that he'd be like her other bosses that had their memories erased because they didn't know what 'don't touch' means. He respected that about her. The more he stayed at the distance she asked, the more she wanted him to break past that line. So eventually, he found out because Hinata wanted him to. After that, they fell in love and eventually got married in secret. But…Akito found out about them. He got really upset and…he really hurt Kai. Part of his rehabilitation for the head injury had Hinata erase his memory. He felt as though all the pain Hinata was going through at the time was his fault. With that, he wasn't healing correctly since part of him didn't want to. So…Hinata had to make him forget about her so he could survive. That's why she wants you away from Yuki &amp; Kaede. So that you don't get hurt. And of course, blood is thicker than water. So she doesn't want Kaede or Yuki to make Akito angry. For him, perception is reality. That's why she wanted to talk with you. To make sure you don't get hurt by us."

Tohru's body couldn't go any further. It was stuck in the falling snow. He suddenly felt rain. Not from the sky, but from his eyes.

"Tohru! Oh my God! What's wrong?!" Miho asked desperately shaking him. Honda couldn't stop the pain in his chest. The ordeal that Hinata went through…and then how he responded to her.

He had to go back. He just had to apologize to the woman.

!

"Hinata!" Tohru called entering the estate.

"What do you want?" the doctor asked obviously not in the mood. The sight of a tear stricken teenager was enough to call for alertness.

"I kinda told him about Kai." Miho admitted standing behind Tohru.

Eyes bursting with wrath, "You, did, what!?"

Tohru dropped to his knees, put his face in the snow and repented.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry for how I acted! I'm sorry for thinking you were such a horrible person! I'm sorry for talking to you the way I did when you were just trying to help! I'm sorry that I was rude!"

"Get up! You're a man. Stop acting like a boy who got his hand stuck in the cookie jar!" She came down the porch to help the bowing child to his feet. Unfortunately, she didn't see the pile of snow that had collected and tripped!

Not wanting a future emergency, Tohru dove to save the grown woman! Grabbing her hand at the last possible second, he pulled back forcing Hinata the other way. The other way being,

POOF!

You should know by now.

!

"Hinata!"

The doctor woke up to a familiar voice. An annoying voice that she knew all too well.

"What the hell are you doing here you damn dog?" she asked.

At the edge of the bed was Shigure Sohma with a bright smile.

"I told Tohru to go on home while I stayed with you. I know how you feel about being around male counterparts."

"They suck." Hinata said blandly.

She waved her hand as if she were pushing a physical thing, "I know. I know." The tone changed as Hinata sat up, "So…did you tell Tohru to back off?"

"Of course I did. I don't know what you're trying to pull with him. But if Yuki &amp; Kaede get hurt, I will do everything I can to ruin you!"

"Seriously?" Shigure chuckled, "I wasn't threatened by you in high school, and I'm not scared of you now. Besides, Asako will kill me if anything happens to Yuki. And I'm positive Kaname will have my ass for Kaede. All you need to worry about is not drowning when you get hugged."

"Did Tohru see?" Hinata asked.

Shigure placed her hand in front of her lips to hide her sinister smile, "Well, when I got here, he had thrown a sea horse into the bathtub."

"Oh! GOD! DAMN IT!"

"What're you upset about? You have a nice body. Mine's better though." Shigure teased.

"Go home."

"But I wanna see how the New Year's dance is coming along!"

Hinata was starting to get into the level of blind fury, "Shigure!"

"Hinata! See, I can yell names too!"

"I'm a dragon!"

"I'm a dog! You want to clarify anything else!"

"I will tell the literature world every sick little thing you've done since you were five! Now get out!"

Shigure lend down. Her breast mushed against Hinata's as the two began blushing. Breathe mixing from their lips only an inch apart. Shigure wore a lewd eyed expression.

"Does that include our sick little thing?"

END

Jet: I am so getting hate mail for that last part!

Hinata:…I am going to kill you!

Jet: How?

Hinata: (Waves hand) You are going to delete you're manuscript for the novel you want published.

Jet: (Blank stare) I am going to delete my manuscript for 'Ballad Of Shadows'.

Miho: That's mean!

Hinata: Watch this! (Waves hand) Horror movies are awesome!

Jet: Horror movies are awesome.

Hinata: The anime 'Clannad' wasn't sad at all!

Jet: The anime 'Clannad' wasn't sad at all.

Hinata: 'Twilight' is the greatest thing ever.

Jet: You couldn't pay me enough!


	10. Chapter 10

Kaede: If this is the New Year's episode, why are you doing the disclaimer and not Shigure's editor?

Jet: Because Mitsuru wasn't introduced until Valentine's Day in the manga, which I'm,

Kaede: Whatever. Let's just get this over with. And action!

Jet: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. 'Fruits Basket is owned by 'Funimation', 'TV Tokyo', 'Tokyo Pop', and Natsuki Takaya. All mentioned products, TV shows/movies, and/or other franchises are owned by their respective owners/parties and/or companies. Please support the official release.

Kaede: Where's my salmon!?

Jet: Are you still pissed about that?

Kaede: I'll break you in half! Now give me my fish!

Ch. 10: Warm Hands

"ABSOLUTELY NOT!" Kaede &amp; Yuki harmonized. Tohru heard the argument from the other room and headed out of the kitchen.

"Why can't they just get along?" he said to himself. Tohru washalf-right.

"I understand that you don't want to go Kaede. But Yuki, you're required to come since you're a member of the zodiac." Shigure stated. The three sat in the living room discussing the New Year's dance. Unfortunately, neither Yuki nor Kaede wanted to attend.

"I don't care." Yuki said, "I'm not going back to the main house. That's the reason I came here to live with you. Or did you forget?"

"Yuki," Shigure began, "You're right, I'm letting you live with me because you hate Akito and being on that property. So I want to know why you feel as if you can talk to me with that tone."

She noticed how ungrateful her actions were and proceeded to apologize.

"Sorry." Yuki said.

Smiling brightly, "It's okay my little mouse. Now, you do understand that it's mandatory for us to attend. If you don't, then there will be consequences. So you can go and dance for a few hours or you can be punished by the head. I'm not going to drag you there since you're too old for that nonsense, but I know you don't want to anger Akito Sohma."

"TO HELL WITH AKITO!" Yuki screamed and stormed away. Her heels echoed throughout the house as they sounded off up to her room. Yuki was in such rage and distress that the lavender haired girl didn't even see Tohru on her way up.

The boy wanted to ask what was torturing the poor girl. He wished to lend a hand and comfort her. Tohru was dying to help Yuki. Just to ease the pain written across her face. The unmovable problem was that he didn't know how.

"Excuse me, Tohru." Shigure called. "You can stop ease dropping now."

"Ah! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to,"

Kaede cut him off, "Yeah, yeah. Just sit down."

!

"The New Year's Festival is like a family gathering. But the most important part is the Zodiac banquet. Only the members of the zodiac are allowed to participate in the dance. I won't go intodetail, but it's mandatory for me being the dog, Miho being the Rabbit, so on and so forth. Yuki lives with me because, well, she can't stand being around certain members of our family. At the main estate, there are rules and what not. Wanting the independence I have, Yuki came to live with me. A lot of the punishments are more harsh on us and...I think they scarred her."

Shigure's explanation was rather more informative than it needed to be. Regardless, Tohru had what he needed to know.

"So, Kaede, is that why you're refusing to go as well?" he asked.

"Pft! Please! The cat isn't allowed to go into the banquet. So I don't see why I should be at the estate period." Kaede tried to appear as if she didn't care. But it was obvious that she felt left out. Tohru &amp; Shigure left that subject alone.

"Okay, but Yuki seems really hurt. What can we do?" Honda asked.

Shigure scratched her neck rapidly, "There isn't much we can do. She's a stubborn girl like the rest of us. I guess the three of you will be home by yourselves tonight."

Kaede &amp; Tohru went wide eyed, "Say what?"

"I'm required to come and I can't wait to see Miho dance this year! I'm not going to force Yuki or Kaede. Tohru isn't allowed to come since he's not a Sohma." under her breath, "Not yet anyway."

"Excuse me?" Tohru said.

"Oh it's nothing my little pup!" Shigure stood to her feet and headed for her room, "Excuse me. I have to find a Kimono to wear for tonight."

"You always wear a Kimono!" Kaede shouted.

!

Knock Knock. Yuki heard the formal call upon her door.

"Yuki." Tohru asked. In a desperate attempt not to come off as 'vulnerable', Yuki quickly sat up and fixed her clothing. She then grabbed a random book and opened it in her lap.

"Come in!" she panted. Tohru came in and sat next to Yuki not paying attention to the book. "Is there something wrong Mr. Honda?"

"Uhm...I heard you yelling before and I just want to make sure you're feeling okay." Tohru said.

"Oh yes." Yuki smiled, "I'm quite alright." Tohru didn't say anything for a brief moment. He didn't believe her. On top of that, her answer seemed to be more of a question. Not for Tohru, but for herself.

"Are you truly sure?" the boy asked. Yuki knew that Tohru had this...ability to see right through dishonesty. There was no pointin hiding.

Her response came after a long pause, because it brought tears with it.

"Please don't make me go!" Yuki begged falling to her knees on the floor.

Tohru followed her, "Oh my God! Yuki!"

Yuki clenched Tohru's shirt desperately hoping he would listen,"Please don't make me go! I don't wanna be near him! He hates me! Even when he smiles and acts polite, I know that he wants to hurt me again! Please don't make me go with Akito! Please!PLEASE! PLEASE!"

POOF!

"Shh." Tohru held the mouse up to his cheek and comforted her. "It's okay Yuki. You don't have to go anywhere. I'll stay right here with you. There's no need to cry." The mouse sobbed onto the warm hands of her housekeeper. She was shaking, but was slowly finding herself in Tohru's words.

"Promise?" she asked.

He smiled, "I promise." Those two words that helped Yuki, onlyadded fuel to the fire for the cat listening in.

!

Inside the Sohma estate, all the lights were on and reflecting off of the snow-covered ground. Music was in the air as Shigure approached the main house. Removing herself from the festivities was a white haired girl with a stoic glare and a cup of milk.

"Hello Haruko!" Shigure said seeing her niece at the door.

The white haired girl asked with little emotion, "Where is Kaede?"

"Sorry!" Shigure patted Haruko's head, "Looks like your gonna have to challenge her to fight next time."

As evil as you can sound with a lack of expression, Haruko headed inside with one final statement, "Very well then. I'll kill her in three days."

END

Shigure: Isn't this the part where Jet gives the bonus info?

Tohru: He's working.

Shigure: You wanna do the closing?

Tohru: I think that's Kaede's job today.

Kaede: Not until I get my salmon!

Miho: Me! I'll do it!

Yuki: You weren't in this chapter.

Miho: Ideas for pairings are welcome! 'Miohru' for president!

Kaede: (smacks) Stop lying!

Miho: Ow!


	11. Chapter 11

Miho: Yay! I'm going to be doing Jet's job this chapter!

Haruko: Why?

Miho: Well, Jet is upset that no one reviews his stories. So he's crying in the corner.

Kaede:...He! Ha-Ha! HAAA! HAA-HAA! HA-HAAAAA! HAA! HAAAAA-HAAA-HA-HAAAAAAAAA!

Shigure: I'm going to go cheer him up.

Miho: And Action!

Haruko: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. 'Fruits Basket is owned by 'Funimation', 'TV Tokyo', 'Tokyo Pop', and Natsuki Takaya. All mentioned products, TV shows/movies, and/or other franchises are owned by their respective owners/parties and/or companies. Please support the official release.

Shigure: Does anyone have an anti-depression medicine?

Ch. 11: Bullhorn

Two boys saw a girl halted at a directory. She was dressed in black motorcycle chaps. Covering the feet, sure enough, were leather boots to match. Her upper body carried a medium sized black falcon air force jacket (HETALIA) over a thin dark bluesweater.

The female's face was impaled with many rings. Three earrings on each listening device and a lip ring on the bottom left. The main thing attracting attention was her male like spiky snow-white hair reaching her shoulders.

"Wow!" one boy said.

"I know right!" the other replied. "That's one hot chick!"

"Yeah, but the white hair's kinda weird."

"All dem curves and you're worried about the hair?"

"Good point. Let's see what she's up to."

"Hell yeah! That biker chick might let us 'rev up her Harley'!"

The woman turned around gearing up for her ride. Gloves secured onto her hands and helmet in place, she got on her dirt bike and let the roaring motor run down the street! All eyes watched as she zoomed away breaking the speed limit!

"...Was she even old enough to be driving that thing?"

"I didn't know you were allowed to ride dirt bikes in the suburbs."

!

Kaede &amp; Yuki stood outside the grocery store waiting for their brown-haired butler to come back outside. In the meantime, they engaged in banter that would encourage 'Tom &amp; Jerry' to get along.

"You think you can get away with anything? Don't you ya damn mouse! One of these days, I'll beat your ass so bad you'll say 'sorry'."

Yuki egged her cousin on, "What'd you say you want to do to my ass?"

"SHUT UP!" Kaede shouted. "You're a dirty bitch! Ya know that?!"

"Bitch: often referred to a female, is someone who is belligerent, unreasonable, malicious, rudely intrusive or aggressive with little or no reason to be. Are you sure you're not confusing me for a mirror?"

"Oh no!" Kaede rolled her sleeves up ready for a brawl, "We're taking this outside!"

With the sun poking out of a cloud, Yuki sighed, "We're already outside you stupid cat."

Tohru came outside with a bag of groceries, "You two ready to go?" In Tohru's line of vision was a crowd gathered in a circle. "Oh God! Please don't tell me those two are fighting each other."

Nudging his way through the wall of spectators, Tohru's ears were bombarded by Kaede's shrieking voice.

"Kiss my ass purple ranger!"

"Again with the ass-play? Are those chain-mail pants code for anything?"

"I'm gonna beat the Minnie Mouse crap out of you!"

"Wait. You can stop. I think I've heard this joke before."

"It's not a joke! Name the time and place for me to kill you!"

"Did you forget about the time I broke your ankle and gave you directions to the hospital?"

"You...dirty, stuck up, sadistic, spineless, heartless, horse-haired, self-centered, feces puking, snot-spitting, big nosed, monkey slapping, fart knocking, boy snatching, mucus spewing, sewer sipping, whore mongering, midget munching, carnivorous mail-order prostituting BITCH!"

"Kaede." Tohru called.

"WHAT?!"

Tohru shoved a candy bar in the Sohma girl's open mouth, "Eat a 'Snickers'. You act like the 'Nostalgia Critic' when you're hungry."

!

'This isn't good.' Tohru thought to himself. While walking home, he watched Kaede &amp; Yuki get into yet another argument. Honda didn't have the strength to separate them for the twenty-fourth time that week.

Ever since the year began, Yuki &amp; Kaede got into three times as many agreements as they used too. That month, they got into ten fistfights. If you count Yuki axe kicking Kaede into the next hour a fight.

'Man!' Tohru thought, 'What's wrong with these two? Yuki just has to insult everything Kaede does. She hasn't done anything wrong. Granted, not wanting to come into the store is a bit weird. But did Yuki really need to comment on it? And Kaede! She won't let anything go! Well, I understand retaliating when someone is being rude. It's just the level she goes to! This isn't an action genre anime! There's no need to yell so much! Man! I even made a wish that they'd get along more. I guess that didn't work.'

"I'm starting to consider breaking your ankle again!" Yuki threatened.

Taking her stance, "Oh yeah! Come at me bro!"

Groaning, Tohru put her foot out before the mouse attacked. Yuki, losing all momentum, fell to the dirt. He knew Kaede would find insulting to something to say. So, out of the grocery bag came a long vegetable.

Honda held the leek like a sword targeting the cat, "Quiet! Or I'll cook this for dinner!"

With no objections from either Sohma, Tohru put the green and white edible stick away. Sighing, he continued to walk home.

"Damn house-boy." Kaede pouted.

"KAEDE!" Tohru growled.

"No! No! I was just kidding!"

"SIT!"

THUD!

"OW!"

!

"Uh, Tohru." Shigure said entering the kitchen. "Are you okay? You seem sort of...stressed out." Fulfilling his duties as the butler without a uniform, the bulk brunette set the plates out for dinner. "Tohru, this is Earth. You know you live here right?" Shigure said.

"Wah?" Honda said snapping out of it.

"Okay my little pup. What's wrong?"

Tohru opened his mouth to reply but was interrupted.

"WHAT DA HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!" Yuki shouted.

"IT MEANS YOU LOOK LIKE A RAT AND SMELL LIKE ONE TOO!"

Tohru stole a jacket from the coat rack on his way outside, "I'm going to get some air!" Hearing the footsteps of her employee in sync with the slamming door, Shigure caught a small taste of his frustration.

"I guess I'd be a bit upset as well." she muttered.

!

Outside in the dark woods, Tohru took in deep breaths. He raised his hands up to his chest taking breathes in. They lowered back down to his hips going out.

"Come on." Tohru said to himself, "Dad wouldn't give up. I've got to think of something."

"Excuse me." a stoic voice called. "I'm trying to find a way out of the woods. Can you help?" Haruko asked playing damsel in distress.

"Certainly." Honda replied. Regardless of the exercise he just preformed, the boy needed to skip out on his job for a brief moment. The yelling was starting to wear him out.

!

"My name is Haruko by the way." She said. The two had started walking and were getting close to the suburban area.

"I'm Tohru Honda." He introduced.

Haruko froze in the dirt, "Tohru? You mean the boy who knows about the Sohma curse?" The blank expression on her face made it difficult for Tohru to understand if she was joking with him.

"Uh, yes. I know." Tohru said taking a step back. Haruko took a hard look at him.

Tohru's short brown hair cloned his eye color. The innocent pitch in his voice was opening and inviting. But what Haruko noticed was his strong facial features and body. Tohru drank his milk and ate his vegetables every night and it showed. The Sohma girl found this teenager to be attractive.

"Well." Haruko bowed, "Thank you for helping me."

Bashful, "It was nothing." The two returned to their standing position.

"Yuki is living with you. Yes?" she asked.

"Yes." he said.

"Please make sure she's doing well. Yuki has asthma so make sure she doesn't strain herself. Also, she has a bad habit of arguing for no reason. So please don't take it too seriously. One more thing, make sure Kaede doesn't put her hands on my Yuki. Okay?"

Wondering if this girl was Yuki's sister, Tohru smiled understanding the woman's concern.

"Don't worry. I'm a man! I can handle it!" Tohru boasted. Haruko smiled and left the boy in the dark.

With only the moon providing light, Tohru realized what he had done.

"AH!" he said snapping out of his daze, "SCHOOL! I HAVETHAT FITNESS RACE TOMORROW! OH MAN! OH MAN! OH MAN! OH MAN! OH MAN! OH MAN! OH MAN!"

!

"Alright girls! Line up!" the teacher instructed. The female students approached the open gate waiting for the signal to begin their run. Yuki &amp; Kaede stood next to one another almost making contact.

In order to better perform, Yuki wrapped her hair in a ponytail matching Kaede's style.

"Well, well, well!" Kaede said taking notice, "They say imitation is the sincerest form of-"

"Save it you stupid cat. It's just for the race. Besides, there's onemajor difference between your pony-tail and mine."

"What's that?" Kaede said still smiling.

"I actually look good wearing mine."

"As if! Ready to lose Minnie?" Kaede taunted.

"How am I supposed to lose to a dumb bitch?"

"Keep that mouth open. I want as much as my dust to fill you up as possible."

"...I'll pass on making a yuri joke."

BANG!

ZOOM!

The Sohma girl's blasted out of the gate leaving a trail of smoke in their path. After ten seconds, Yuki &amp; Kaede were out of sight. Tohru remembered when he first found out about the curse and that Shigure explained that they didn't have any other powers. He was having trouble believing that after witnessing the speed of the two teens.

"Damn!" Akira shouted. "Tohru, you're girlfriend's got some leg power!"

Tohru swung to face his friend with crimson cheeks, "Wah!? No! No! No! No! No! Yuki isn't my girlfriend! We're just friends!"

Sora blandly stated, "Liar."

"I am not!"

Akira rested his arm on the janitor's shoulder, "So does that mean Kaede is?"

"No!" Tohru's blush was beginning to fade.

"So can I have her then?" Akira asked.

Tohru was somewhere between shocked and confused,"...What?"

!

"Eat my dust ya damn mouse!"

"Shut up!"

Like two demons, Yuki &amp; Kaede rushed through the streets at top speed. They outran cars and even had a slipstream chasing them! None of the other girls were even close.

Zipping past designated corners and destroying their shoes. Yuki &amp; Kaede were a purple &amp; orange blur to anyone who saw them zap by. That is until Kaede tripped over a rope tied to the street rail.

Yuki was more focused on running as opposed to winning. So,she saw it in time to hop over the line. Kaede on the other hand...tattooed the pavement with her face.

"STUPID CAT!" Yuki mocked continuing on.

Kaede shot right back up ignoring her injury, "YOU BITCH! COME BACK HERE AND FIGHT ME!" Staggering a bit, she took thirty seconds to return to her normal running speed. In that time, the rope that caused the setback was forgotten as the private race continued.

Haruko poked her head from behind the rail.

"Well." she said, "That was a waste of time. Maybe I should just go to Shigure's house."

!

Kaede &amp; Yuki were home from school. Unfortunately, Kaede's fall had Tohru in a panic. Her face was bloody with cuts and gravel was stuck in her arms and forehead.

"Why didn't you go to the nurse?" Tohru asked plucking the rocks out Kaede's wounded arm. She sat on the bathroom counter waiting for him to complete the first aid.

"Why bother?" she said. Kaede fixated on a tile to avoid the boy cleaning her cuts.

"Well," Tohru dabbed a face cloth with peroxide and proceeded to rub Kaede's forehead, "You have such a beautiful face." He was careful not to pass over the girl's eyes. To do so, he held her chin in place gently. Because of this, Kaede got a clear look at Tohru's warm smile. "Don't you want to keep it that way?"

Kaede's heart shot straight into her throat turning her face a bright red to match with her hair. Never once had she been complimented so sincerely.

The mixture of an unfamiliar gesture was quickly clouded by a dark memory. The words that leaked out of Yuki's room on New Year's Eve came back to the cat. She heard Tohru tell Yuki that he would stay in the room with the mouse. First experience embarrassment turned to anger from an unknown factor.

Was he really being the gentlemen that little girl's dreamed that they would one day marry? Or did he know how to toy with a woman's heart?

"Did you sleep with Yuki on New Year's Eve?" Kaede asked.

"Yes." Tohru said directly.

Kaede slugged her arms up to try to strangle Honda for having no shame!

That was until Tohru finished his statement, "I stayed in her room that night. She took her bed and I got the floor with some comforters. Why do you ask?"

Kaede halted just in time for Tohru to become oblivious of her intent. She forgot how innocent he is and rested back.

'He's like a damn kid.' she thought. 'It's kind of cute.'

The door swung open!

"Kaede!" Haru said.

"Haru?" Kaede replied. One look at her white-haired cousin in a karate stance and it was clear, "If you wanted to fight. You could've just called."

END

Miho: Well, as the mascot of FB-GB, I declare that Kaede &amp; Haruko will fight next time! Jet has this 'less than 3000 words per chapter' thing.

Tohru: Oh no! I can't believe that Kaede is gonna fight next chapter!

Yuki: I'm only surprised that there's no announcer &amp; referee.

Sora: (Wearing a referee shirt) No kidney shots.

Akira: (Wearing a bow tie) Huuuuu! Ladies and Gentlemen! Boys and Girls! Children of all ages! Jet Dreamer proudly brings to you his former five time Fan-Fic TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS OF THE WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORLD! The 'Road Cat',Kaede! The 'Bad Bull', Haruko! THE NEW! AGE! SOHMAS!

Shigure: (Card girl outfit) Round one!

Hinata: What the hell are you people doing? And Akira. That's not how you impersonate the 'Road Dogg-Jesse James'.

Tohru: I thought that was 'Michael Buffer'?

Yuki: You're right Mr. Honda. Pro wrestler 'Road Dogg' spoofs boxing announcer 'Michael Buffer'.

Haruko: (Wearing a skimpy female wrestler outfit) So, are we wrestling or boxing?

Kaito: (Pouring mud into the ring) What do you think?


	12. Chapter 12

Shigure: Wow, there's still no new characters.

Tohru: So who's doing the disclaimer?

Grandma Honda: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. 'Fruits Basket is owned by 'Funimation', 'TV Tokyo', 'Tokyo Pop', and Natsuki Takaya. All mentioned products, TV shows/movies, and/or other franchises are owned by their respective owners/parties and/or companies. Please support the official release.

Kaede: Jet! How could you make an old woman,

Jet: (Throws ball of yarn)

Kaede:...do I look like I have A.D.D to you?

Jet: (Hugs)

POOF!

Kaede: (playing with the string) He-He! This is awesome!

Yuki: A.D.D my A.S.S.

Jet: Deja Vu! You sound just like my mom at my 5th grade parent teacher conference.

Ch. 12: Bullhorn Pt. 2

"Kaede no!" Tohru said. He rushed to the bottom of the staircase to block off his orange haired patient.

"Damn it Tohru! Get outta my way!" she demanded. Kaede didn't even have bandages over her cuts. The wounds across her forehead and arms were still open.

"No!" Tohru retaliated. "You're still hurt. Just let it go!"

"Like hell I'm letting that cow get away with messing up my race! Now get out of my way!" Kaede limped down each stair closing the gap. The brunette wouldn't back away. There was fear present in his brown eyes Kaede could see. But, Sohma's glare wasn't the cause for it.

Snarling, "Move your ass!"

Tohru shook his head hesitantly, but firmly standing his ground. Kaede respected Tohru's tenacity. However, she didn't care.

Cuffing Tohru's shirt collar, Kaede lifted the boy over her shoulder and judo flipped him into the living room! Clashing with the wall, Tohru fell to the wood floor hitting his hip hard enough to make a pounding sound.

"Stay outta my way! Dumbass."

!

"Are you ready?" Haruko asked. The wind rushed over the two like a river traveling over a rock.

Kaede took her stance, "Shut up and fight me!"

Haruko threw off her jacket and charged!

Fast and hard, Haru's fist came down on Kaede's blocked forearm! The cat stepped to the left facing her opponent's back. Before Haru could turn around, she was pulverized by a series of kidney shots.

"You punk!" Haru pivoted around with a devastating right hook. Kaede was launched from her position to the ground.

"STOP!" the two females turned to the front door of the house. Standing there, was the boy who wanted to prevent this.

"Damn it Tohru! I told you to stay out of the way!" Kaede yelled.

Haru began to stalk toward the man, "You wanna piece of me?"

"No." A beat of sweat slid down his face, "I just want you to stop fight-"

WHAM!

Tohru hit the porch clutching his kneed in stomach. He wheezed against the wood floor. Honda wanted air to return to his lungs just as much as he wanted Haruko to stop beating him mercilessly.

Punches ramming his back and spine. Knee shots to the side and arms. Tohru was stuck in a ball trying to shield the pain.

The Sohma flouted him with a smile that seemed to come from pure delight, "COME ON! GET UP! FIGHT ME! FIGHT ME!"

Sprinting in delivering a roundhouse kick to Haru's back, "LEAVE HIM ALONE!" Kaede put her cousin in an arm lock dragging her off the defenseless teen.

Haru was still in her blood rage, "You wanted to get involved! Now you are! GET UP! YOU SON OF A BITCH! HIT ME BACK! FIGHT ME!"

Bruised and barley mobile, Tohru lunged at Haruko! His arms lapped around the white haired woman as their bodies made contact.

POOF!

Hitting the ground, Tohru panted heavily from the effort it took just to hug the enraged girl.

"You idiot!" Kaede grunted. "Now you've done it!"

Looking up, Tohru was face to face with 800 pounds of pissed off muscle!

"Haruko's the ox?" he stated fear stricken.

She snorted in his face.

"Yes." Kaede said, "Just stay down."

Doing as instructed, Tohru laid on his belly. The bull continued to glare down at him. Her horns were placed so Tohru's head would hit one if he tried to retreat. Honda couldn't move if he wanted to.

"Haruko!" Yuki shouted. The ox snapped out of her wrath. "Don't you dare touch Mr. Honda!"

"You're a little late for that ya damn mouse!" Kaede argued. Yuki walked up to the battered body of her housekeeper.

"Mr. Honda." She alerted, "I'm taking you inside." Tohru didn't want Yuki to trouble herself by carrying him. But he was in too much pain to stand up or debate.

Suddenly, Kaede ran over shoving Yuki out of her way to the ground!

"NO!"

The lavender haired mouse gazed at her cousin in a mix of misunderstanding and spite. At that moment, Kaede's face gained a strawberry colored tan.

"What I mean is...it's my fault. So...I'll take him up." Kaede scooped Tohru up bridal style deepening her blush. "So...I'll be taking him up now."

Like a nervous child, Kaede walked away very stiffly. She couldn't enjoy the fact that she had a cute boy in her arms by the fact that he was injured. Of course, Tohru, not used to being the damsel, didn't make eye contact. He didn't want her to see his red face either.

Upon entering the house, Shigure spoke coyly, "My-my! A pup and kitten looking all cozy! Are you two going to the bedroom?"

"SCREW YOU!" the cat shrieked.

"...Isn't that what I just indicated you two were about to do?" The soul reason Kaede didn't beat the hell out of Shigure was because her arms were preoccupied.

!

"Is it okay?" Kaede asked wrapping bandages over Tohru's arm. "I'm not being too forceful right?"

'She's acting like a big sister.' Tohru thought. 'It's kind of cute.'

"No, I'm fine." Honda smiled. "Well, I'm going to go cook dinner." Tohru's attempt to leave was halted by a grab of the wrist. "Uh Kaede. I can cook. It's no problem."

"Take your shirt off."

A call from downstairs, "And I'm the perverted one!"

"SHUT UP YA DAMN DOG!"

"Kaede," Tohru backed away from her, "I'm okay! I promise!"

Standing up, "Stop lying and start stripping."

Tohru raised his good arm preventing Kaede from coming any further, "I can do it myself! There's really no need for..." Honda cuffed Kaede's chin analyzing the new cut on the girl's cheek.

"What?" she groaned.

"Here, let me put a band aid on that." Kaede just stood there dumbfounded not wanting to curse the boy out as he placed the strip over Kaede's cheek. "There we go!"

"..."

"Something wrong?" Tohru acted as if he wasn't in any pain. But it was obvious. His slouched posture and twitching leg were a dead give-away. Despite this, Kaede sighed. She knew Tohru was nice enough to put himself aside for other's pain. He was also too stubborn to admit that he could use some time to relax.

"I'll be cooking today." Kaede ordered. Before Tohru could reply, Kaede walked out of the bathroom and headed downstairs.

!

Tohru sat on his bed resting when a knock came on his door.

"Come in." he said.

Haruko entered, "Hello Mr. Honda."

Cringing, "He-hello Haruko."

Sohma placed her hands at her lap and bowed swiftly, "I'm sorry! My behavior was unacceptable. I was completely out of line and I apologize. You didn't deserve to be assaulted by me and I had no justification to attack you. So please, if there's anything I can do to make it up to you, please let me know."

"It's alright." Tohru struggled sitting up. "You made a mistake and you moved on from it."

She came back to eye-level, "N-no. No I haven't" Tohru scooted over offering a seat. "It's okay. I'll stand."

She began, "Being a member of the zodiac, I wasn't allowed to have anyone come close to me. So I had to stay away from everyone else. The other children decided to pick on me for that reason. I believe the white hair helped. Eventually, I decided to fight back. I fought and fought until it wasn't me raising my fists anymore. It was almost as if when I got angry...someone else would take control of my body. I would black out and when I came too, I was being taken to the principal's office again. After my third suspension, Yuki came to me. She said, 'you don't have to believe what they say. You know you're not stupid.' Then, all the rage I held for years, suddenly melted away."

"Yuki helped you become a better person." Tohru said. "That's why you respect her so much. That's why when you heard about Kaede and Yuki fighting again, you wanted to fight her. Is that right?"

"Yes." She said blandly.

"If you don't mind, I think there's a flaw in your theory." Tohru lectured, "Yuki is a family member just like Kaede is. They argue and fight just as I'm sure you did with the cousins you didn't get along with. Yuki, as you're cousin, saw that you needed help and gave it to you. I think you may not grasp this because Yuki was the first person to advise you instead of scold, but sometimes, you have to let people solve their own problems. Not to say that you should let your family argue and punch each other all the time. What I mean is, Yuki &amp; Kaede have to both decide to get along."

"I'm aware of that Mr. Honda and I completely agree. I fought Kaede because she owes me money. When she didn't show at the New Year's festival, I thought she was avoiding me."

Embarrassed, "...Oh. Well. I see."

"You're wrong about one thing." Haruko started to head for the door, "I don't respect Yuki. I love her."

The door closed.

As dead silence followed the shut, Tohru turned off his lamp and laid back exhausted to an unrealistic extent.

"This family is insane."

END

Kaede: So, you're gonna give me my fish?

Jet: So, you're gonna give Haruko her money?


	13. Chapter 13

Masaya: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. 'Fruits Basket is owned by 'Funimation', 'TV Tokyo', 'Tokyo Pop', and Natsuki Takaya. All mentioned products, TV shows/movies, and/or other franchises are owned by their respective owners/parties and/or companies. Please support the official release.

Jet:...Not even gonna wait for me?

Masa: Shouldn't you just be happy that you finally have a new character to read the disclaimer?

Jet: Touché

Masa: Thanks. Now please sit down and get ready for class.

Jet:...I'm not in high school.

Masa: So why're you writing this?

Jet: Cause I want too! That's why!

Ch. 13: Falling Valentine

"Damn!" Sora whined looking inside Yuki's locker.

"Hello Sora." Yuki said. "Uhm...what're you doing in my locker?"

Sora didn't hear her, "I thought the princess would have it for sure."

"Excuse me?"

Akira replied, "Well, maybe it'll happen to Kaede."

"Mr. Honda." Yuki sighed, "What're you're friends doing?"

Tohru sighed, "You know how in comics and cartoons when a person opens a locker and a whole bunch of stuff fall out? Sora&amp; Akira want you're Valentine's Day chocolate."

"They know that's not how it works? Right?" she stated.

"They don't care. Sora just wants to eat something sweet."Tohru's known his friend long enough to know the routine.

The two moved on allowing Yuki to go to her shoe locker.

"They do have a point. You're so popular and yet there's only one Valentine chocolate."

"I'm just happy that," Yuki began to put her school shoes onwhen she saw a familiar face at the entrance, "Kaito?"

"What about a *small ferry?" Tohru asked.

"Not a 'ferry' Mr. Honda; the pig."

At the entrance of the school stood the baby faced brown haired Kaito. Still standing at an astonishing five feet and three inches!

Tohru tilted his head down, "Hey Kaito! What're you doing here?"

Yuki muttered under her breath, "Today just got worse." She leered at her male cousin, "Kaito. Please go home. I can barely keep control of Kaede on Valentine's day. I don't need,"

Kaito zipped from 10 feet to 1 inch from the mouse's face, "IS IT TRUE! SHE'S HERE! OH MY GOD! I KNEW SHE GOES TO THIS SCHOOL! WHAT CLASS IS SHE IN! CAN I SEE HER! PLEASE YUKI!"

Kaito began to hop up and down like a pre-school child who just ate a box of cookies. "PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE!"

Even Tohru, the tolerant and humble teenager couldn't take anymore of the hyperactive whining. His method was the same as when Kaede &amp; Yuki's arguments grow out of control. He pulls their heads into his own chest to make sure it turned them into their zodiac form. Plus, there was nobody else to see the 'poof'.

Tohru's plan was perfect. But there was one thing he was just one factor he failed to calculate.

"Dude." Kaito grumbled against the other man's body, "Just because I'm a pig, doesn't mean I like sausage."

Honda's cheeks turned a red seen only on apples, "Uhh... of habit."

!

The Sohma girls don't have many things in common. They both are members of the zodiac. They both have long hair. They both are extremely fit. They're both viewed as unattainable beauties. That last one displayed through the entire day.

"Yuki!" A boy filled with hope would ask, "Will you go out on a date with me?"

"I'm sorry." The girl would smile politely and respond, "But I just don't have time for a relationship in my life."

"Kaede!" A scared boy would present flowers, "Will you go on a date with me?"

Not giving a damn with a **goat &amp; monkey on the side, "No".

Every time the two would enter or leave a class, there would bea bombarded of chocolates and flowers! Kaede mindlessly handed the flowers to the trashcan. Yuki, being more considerate, didn't take them.

!

"Hey orange top." Akira said.

"What is it Yankee?" she responded lazily.

"Here's ya flowers." In the mind of Tohru Honda &amp; all listening in, the world had stopped. Satan was ice-skating. Pigs were inside fighter jets. Men had put the toilet seat down!

Tohru saw Akira. The giant who had beat a gang of thugs down with his bare hands because they were teasing Sora. The blondewho decimated a man twice his size (if you'll believe that) because he stole Tohru's wallet. Now, he watched his best friend...exchange a gift?

"Water's gonna squirt out of these?" Kaede said still in a dazed state.

"No." Akira said scratching his nose, "I just wanted to give ya a valentine. Ya my home-boy's girl so I just,"

"STOP IT!" a shriek hit the hallway outside of the final class of the day. Tohru &amp; Kaede recognized the voice as Yuki's.

Like the knight he was, Honda bolted out of his chair into the scene.

"Please stop! I'm having trouble breathing! Please!" Yuki, the confident woman Kaede grew up with, was backed into the wall surrounded by the boys of the school. A half circle of crazed testosterone closed in on the Sohma girl.

She dared not run, less she want to turn into a mouse and have an entire school sent to Hinata. She tried to reason with them, but it fell on uninhabited minds. She could only cling to the wall that sealed her in.

"Get back! I...don't wanna. I don't wanna!" A faint image of a small dark room filled her mind. A dark nostalgic cell was beginning to take over. That was until, a certain janitor showed up.

Tohru shielded Yuki from the boys, "SHE SAID GET BACK! Yuki obviously doesn't like this so please go to your classes!"

A bulky hand grasped the brunette's collar. Honda was lifted upto meet the Yuki-fan-club's newest member.

"What the hell are you gonna do about it?"

Fortunately, the hand tapping the shoulder of the bully, was a Yankee. Not only that, but he had a pyromaniac and a boar behind him.

!

"Sorry." Honda's back tensed up in the pressure.

"Mr. Honda!" Masaya sighed, "You're the only one who &amp; Mr. Hanajima listen too. So I'm forced to ask you to keep them under control."

"Yes sir." Tohru agreed.

"Now Yuki. I understand that you didn't mean for this to happen. But maybe you should do something so that they won't hound you like this."

Feeling incriminated, "Like what sensei?"

"Well," he pulled a box from the bottom drawer of the desk, "Let's have fun with hair dye!"

Smiling, "I don't think so."

!

Exiting the office, Kaito observed Kaede who was nice enough to wait for them.

"Well." She said avoiding eye contact, "If ya got something to say than just spit it out!" That was a mistake to tell a pervert like Kaito.

Rushing her like a pirate jumping onto a ship, Kaito grabbed a handful of her pretty bust and big booty!

"Damn Kaede! My little kitten's been drinking her milk!"

"**YOU SON OF A BITCH!** **I'LL KICK YOUR ASS!**" The cat and pig entered a chase scene seen in cartoons. A slip-streak even followed them!

Tohru could only watch. But then again, he wasn't very concerned with that. He did care about Kaede and he didn't want her to get in any trouble because of Kaito's actions. But...there was another girl with the last name Sohma who needed his attention.

"Are you okay? I don't think sensei was serious about dyeing your hair black."

Yuki scoffed, "Thank you Mr. Honda. I think we should start heading home."

"Actually..." Tohru stuttered like a little boy with a secret to tell. "I uh, bought some movie tickets yesterday. The movie is tomorrow. And I was uh...hoping. Well maybe I was wondering...if you would do me the honor of well..." All of a sudden, every little problem Yuki had that day, was thrownaway.

"Certainly. I'd love to go on a date with you Mr. Honda."

!

"You know." Shigure said, "The more you do this, the more problems you're gonna have."

"Like what?" Kaede asked leaving her hair sprawled out over the kitchen table.

"Well, you had a chance to help Yuki when she was in trouble and you just watched you're boyfriend play savior." Their moodsdidn't change through their conversation. Both temptresses sat across from one another in a depressed debate.

"He's not my boyfriend."

"But you want him to be."

"How do you know?"

"Well, why else do you feel at ease when you're with him? Why else do you hate it when any other boy tries to make you theirs? Why is it that you check Tohru's room to make sure Yuki isn't there with him?"

"I just hate Yuki is all."

"That doesn't answer the other questions."

"I don't know." Her eyes fixated on the spirals in the wood of the furniture. "I just...I'm not sure how I feel about him. Maybe it'sjust a thing where he's...he's just. He's one the first guys that doesn't flirt with me or fear me. So...I don't know how to act around him."

Shigure crossed her arms, "And Yuki?"

"What about her!" she asked. Shigure heard the distain in the cat's voice. Being the playful dog she was, Shigure egged her on.

"Well...do you know how you feel about Yuki?"

"Yes. I hate her!"

"No you don't."

"Yes I do!"

"No. No you don't."

"Yes! I! Do!"

"How do you know!"

SLAM! Kaede jumped up knocking the chair back and denting the table!

"I HATE HER GODDAMN IT! AND I LIKE HATING HER!"

"Really? Because something tells me that you want to be her friend. Even be like her to a degree. But there's one thing you two have in common that prevents it. Do you know what that might be? Or whom?"

Kaede, not able to say the answer, ran from it.

And 'it', to add even more insult to her bleeding heart, was walking next to Yuki.

Holding her hand.

Laughing.

She couldn't help but feel as if it were directed toward her.

!

"Kaede!" a voice chased. It was upsetting that Kaede's state of mind was in such chaos, that she couldn't even hear the call.

There was one thing the girl understood at that point.

Run.

She wasn't sure where she was going to stop or how far she wasgonna go. Kaede's heart was just in so much pain that...nothing else was even going on.

"Kaede!" he called again. This time, the cat's senses kicked in. As her adrenaline died off, Sohma's feet began to ache from the hard pounding into the ground. They were even starting to much in fact that she dropped to her knees. Or maybe...her broken pride put her there amongst the dirt.

"Kaede?" he asked placing his hand on her back. "It's okay. Youdon't have to run. Just tell me what's wrong."

"Please don't ask me." Kaede begged, "Don't ask me why I ran. I can't tell you." There was a pause. Just for a moment, everything seemed hopeless.

"Look at me." Kaito said. As Kaede complied, "I'm not gonna hurt you. I'd never do that. So...I won't ask you anything that'll hurt you. Now let's get you home. Okay?"

Locking her tears up so she couldn't be broken any further, "Kay."

END

* The name 'Kaito' has multiple meanings depending on the kanji used. I decided to use 'small ferry'.

** From the Shakespeare play 'Othello', the titled character storms off stage screaming angrily 'goats and monkeys'. It's sort of a 'to hell with it' phrase. Meaning Kaede doesn't care how she's even saying the word 'no'.

Kaede: I am so gonna kill Jet! Where is he! He made me sound like a helpless little girl!

Yuki: Well,

Tohru: Yuki. Don't start.

Shigure: Where is he anyway?

Miho: He's flipping out because of work. He was so upset about it that he was turning purple.

Kaito: Don't people turn red when pissed?

Miho: That's how mad he is.

Shigure: Maybe my editor will cheer him up in the next chapter.


	14. Chapter 14

Jet: Let's just jump right in.

Mitsuru: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. 'Fruits Basket is owned by 'Funimation', 'TV Tokyo', 'Tokyo Pop', and Natsuki Takaya. All mentioned products, TV shows/movies, and/or other franchises are owned by their respective owners/parties and/or companies. Please support the official release.

Ch. 14: Smallest Touch

Hinata opened the door to her home after the call of the doorbell hit her ears. Behind it was the smiling black haired beauty that was her best friend.

Shigure dramatically swayed her hand, "Hinata! My love, I brought you some Valentine's Day chocolates! Please be mine!"

Slam!

"It's too early for this crap." Hinata mumbled to herself.

After the rudeness, Shigure let herself in.

Upset, "That was so mean! Why did you do that!?"

"Because you're stupid!" Hinata began to walk away while her relative followed her like a toddler, "Now get out before I throw you out."

Shigure imitated a sweet little girl's voice, "Don't you want the chocolates Tohru got you?"

The dragon halted, "Honda got me...chocolates?" The gesture of a boy giving him something and not wanting anything back seemed so far-fetched to the woman that it caused her heart to warm a bit.

"Yep." The Akita cheered, "He's something else. He also got some for me and Haruko, Kagura, Kaede,Yuki, and Miho. But Momiji's had bubblegum in the center for some reason."

"How did you know what's inside Miho's?" Hinataasked skeptically.

"It says so on the box." Shigure gasped, "You didn't think that I ate everyone's candy? Oh Cousin-Haruko!How could you think something so awful?"

"Because you'll eat anything you dirty dog!"

Shigure backed the fellow big-busted babe into the wall. She slid her fingertips against Hinata's chest and looked intently into her eyes. The lemonade and chocolate scented breath mixed with one another as their lips were only a centimeter apart.

Seducing her lifelong equal, "You would know all about that now wouldn't you? Hinata my dear."

Hinata found a way to change the subject, "Miho. It's not polite to stare."

Spinning around, Shigure faced a very confused bunny.

"Oh...Miho! How're you doing?"

The little girl stared blankly, "Uh...I forgot."

!

Tohru was a mess. Not physically. On the surface, he was well groomed and dressed. His clothes were ironed out with no wrinkles and the cologne he put on was turning the heads of all the girls.

So why was he a mess? Well, the reason he was wearing a polo shirt was because...he had a date! Yuki Sohma &amp; Tohru Honda were going to the movies together! Tohru was as nervous as a child going on a roller coaster for the first time. He didn't want to say or do anything stupid.

Yuki...was mad as hell. She finally had a date with someone who likes her for reasons beyond her looks. And it was a double date with Kaede &amp; Kaito!

"Okay ladies." Kaito smiled finding a pair of open seats, "Right this way!"

Kaito's arm was held out as a guide. Kaede went first followed by her date. It was probably a smart choice for Kaito to sit between Kaede &amp; Yuki.

Tohru took his place next to Yuki coughing in nervousness. This was still his first date after all.

"So Yuki. Would you like anything to drink before the movie starts?" Tohru asked.

"No. I'll be fine." Yuki smiled. Kaito took notice of the boy's manners.

"Kaede, how does some popcorn-"

"No."

"Then maybe a soda-"

"No."

"...Candy ba-"

"No."

"Kaede." Tohru intervened, "You're being rude."

"What do you care?" she responded coldly.

Yuki gave her two cents, "Don't talk to him like that! What's your problem?"

Before Kaede could sneer or threaten, Kaito scooped his arm around hers.

Cheery as can be, "Look Kaede! I found some different seats!" Tohru exhaled thankful of having avoided another cat and mouse scrap. He also felt a tightness in his chest. The presence of two other friends kept him at ease. But now since they were two rows above them now, Tohru felt alone on his date. Well, not alone. Just intimidated by the possibility of a false action.

!

Back at the main house, Hinata &amp; Shigure sat in her bedroom eating sweets. Well, Shigure &amp; Miho were anyway.

"Aren't you gonna at least try it?" Shigure asked.

"Yeah!" Miho said mid-chew, "This is really good! Mine has gum in the center! See what you have."

"Momiji. That's enough candy." Hinata ordered.

"Aw! But Tohru's chocolate is so yummy! Can I have one more?"

"There's only one more left!" Hinata ordered, "Now leave it here and go somewhere else."

Miho acted on her instruction leaving the women alone in a huff.

"Someone's a bit cranky." Shigure sang.

"She eats to much candy. Of course she's going to pout if I tell her 'no more'." Hinata replied.

"I meant you. is it that time again."

"Shut up you stupid dog."

Shigure snickered at the response paying her no mind.

"Just eat the candy. You're not gonna get fat from just one." Shigure offered.

"Actually it's scientifically proven that a sudden change in diet can,"

Shigure snatched the bag of caramel centered fudge from her, "Fine. It's mine now."

Hinata couldn't have been more enraged. Her eyes half-lidded in a furious stare. That voice, known to be intimidating for anyone who heard it, was beyond the standard of a demonic anger.

"Give, it back, right, now!"

"Are you going to eat them?"

"It's none of your business. Now give me it!"

Shigure didn't want to press her luck. So she half-heartedly tossed the bag of candy back to her friend. However that wasn't the end of it.

Shigure, as loyal and as intellectual as she was, didn't understand when to let a joke die. She was always the kid who kept poking the dragon with a stick.

She smiled and teased, "You refused to eat Tohru's chocolate. Just like a few years ago, how you didn't want to accept gifts from Ka—"

"One more word you damn dog." Hinata's bangs shadowed her eyes in a cruel darkness, "One more word...I promise that I'll rip your hands off. You'll never write again."

Shigure isn't a fighter. Neither was Hinata. But, she knew how the woman felt about...that. About him.

Shigure kissed Hinata on the head, and left without a syllable.

"Kai." Hinata let out along with a tear.

!

"That was awesome!" Kaede cheered. The four were on their way home from the theater. After watching an action packed movie with a touch of drama, the girls and boys both had something to talk about.

"I know right! When Angel blasted Adam with that electro-charge through three buildings and ran around before he got out the last wall!"

"And how Adam missile dropkicked him into the ground!"

"How about the acting?"

"Phenomenal! Wire really does know how to play the bad boy. And that guy's cute too!"

Yuki scoffed, "Cute? He's gorgeous!"

Tohru &amp; Kaito walked steadily behind them not sure if they should join in or video tape the only time Yuki &amp;Kaede were having a conversation and not have it break into violence! Yes! The two Sohmas were the ones having a fan-girlish moment with each other!

"Should we say something?" Tohru whispered.

"Hey, I'm just enjoying the show." The pig smirked. Tohru thought he meant the presentation of Yuki &amp; Kaede being nice in one another's company. The pig, lived up to his name since...do you need to be told what Kaito was staring at?

They approached the house to see the front door was open. But Shigure was smart enough to lock the door at night. There was no reason for this scene to be in play.

"What's going on?" Kaede said to herself.

Tohru rushed in front of the girls along with Kaito. They glided along the walls entering the house without the sound of so much a footstep. An extra pair of shoes were placed at the door. Upon observation, they didn't see Yuki waltz in merrily.

"Mitsuru! Where are you?" she called.

"Mitsuru?" Tohru repeated.

A man, in a wimpy manner, ran out of the kitchen sobbing.

"YUKI! I CAN'T FIND SHIGURE-SENSEI!" The man was about to cling to the lavender haired girl. But, Tohru put himself in the path.

"Excuse me. But who are you exactly?"

"It's okay Mr. Honda. This is Mitsuru. He's Shigure's editor."

From defensive to friendly, "Oh! I'm sorry! I thought you were a robber!" Now to frantic, "Not that you look like a robber! What I mean is! Uh...well. Please forgive me!"

Mitsuru cuffed the teenager's shoulders. It couldn't be put as a rage filled action, but it was somewhat frightening how scared the man seemed.

"Do you know where Shigure is?! She said she would be back by now but she still isn't here! I swear she does this all the time when the deadline is do! I had to beg the publishers to wait until today and she knows that! I need the manuscript by nine tonight! Please tell me you know where Sensei is! Tell me! Tell me! TELL ME! TELL ME! TELL ME!"

A happy song came from behind the misplaced psycho, "Where in the world is Shigure San-Diego!" Mitsuru spun around to his writer. "Seriously Mit. You know I'm just playing tag with you. So how about you let my little pup go and stop crying. Is that okay?"

"SHIGURE-SENSEI!"

POOF!

Mitsuru leapt away from the butler boy to the busty babe causing a cloud of smoke to emerge. Tohru's first reaction was to, like always, play magician. Yuki's halting hand was one thing that prevented a 'chain smoker the magnificent' production.

The other was in the form of two words, "He knows."

A black Akita sat on her belly being hugged by an over-affectionate whinny young man.

!

"How did he find out about the curse?" Kaito asked.

The teens sat in the kitchen waiting for Tohru to finish making dinner. Kaede lay on her side like, well, a feline. Yuki sat properly on her knees with her legs tucked under her. Kaito was in a crisscross position while leaning back on his hands.

"Mitsuru carries his emotions very close to the he inevitably hugged Shigure and saw the dog. Fortunately, he can keep his mouth shut about certain things and he's only here for business so he was allowed to know about us."

"Odd, I thought Shigure would've slept with him or something. He is pretty handsome." Kaede thought out loud.

"But I'm better than he is right?" Kaito asked goofily.

"Sure, why not."

Hissing in glee, "Yes!"

Honda asked from the sink, "Isn't he a little old to be sleeping with Shigure? I mean, I guess he is a little childish but...he clearly isn't a little boy."

The only thing missing was a live studio audience laughing and a Segway after that statement. Speaking of Segway.

!

"You're hands! Write something! Please Sensei! You gotta write! The deadline is today! Please Shigure-Sensei!" Mitsuru begged.

"Calm down Suru." Shigure lay on her back not really caring for her editor's demands. " I did the manuscript already."

A glimmer of hope finally emerged!

"Yes! Thank you Sensei!" The two embarked in a staring contest. She looked at a brown haired and eyed ball of tension in his mid-twenties. Not a 'twig' per say, but obviously not a man who works out. Of course his cute little face brought the child like charm in along with his dimples.

He...was trying to wonder why she was staring at him and not handing over the manuscript!

"Sensei?"

"Yes?"

"May I please have the manuscript?"

"Sure." Shigure had her fun and pulled the flash-drive from her kimono. She left it in her hand for Mitsuru to take. When he attempted to do so, Shigure sprung her trap.

She clutched Mitsuru's open wrist and pulled the young man in for a juicy little kiss! It was alerting and shocking for him as it was a simple lust-bound prank for her. They both loved it for what it's worth.

Removing lip-contact, Shigure snickered, "Happy Valentine's day!"

END

Jet: I cannot be the only one who thought of the editor and Shigure as an item! See you guys next time anyway.


	15. Chapter 15

Miho: Who's doing the disclaimer?

Jet: Well there aren't any new characters.

Kaede: So who're you gonna force to do it again?

Jet: Nobody.

Foolish Traveler: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. 'Fruits Basket is owned by 'Funimation', 'TV Tokyo', 'Tokyo Pop', and Natsuki Takaya. All mentioned products, TV shows/movies, and/or other franchises are owned by their respective owners/parties and/or companies. Please support the official release.

Ch. 15: Dogs, Dragons, Rabbits, Cats, Rice-balls, and other things that have nothing to do with travelers

"_She's like a ripple on the water. If you try to bring it close to you, it pulls away. Though it may brush against your feet. If you try to catch it, it will pull further away. She's a woman who can't be caught."_

Tohru snapped out of his daze. He sat there waiting for the teacher to announce finals to be over. Honda didn't dare look over to see if Yuki &amp; Kaede had finished. If he did, it would be considered rude. Of course, he would get an F on his test.

The phrase had come from a talk with Yuki about Shigure. She described her cousin in such a poetic manner, that it just stuck with him. Thinking about it more and more, he realized how little he knew about Shigure.

!

"Tohru." the teacher called. It was shortly after the test was over and the students were chatting over how they did or what their weekend plans were.

Honda reported as ordered. As he entered the hallway, the teacher retreated back into the class. Almost like an exchange. The woman Tohru was left with gave the act more reason.

"Hello Tohru." Hinata said.

"Hi Ms. Sohma." Tohru responded back. Hinata didn't know if the reply was out of fear or respect.

Continuing, "It seems as if you've made a little mistake. You owe the school money for your class trip. Between the gifts you gave to me and my family, I did the math and you wouldn't be able to pay for it. So...consider this my white day gift to you." The doctor handed Tohru a small receipt confirming her statement.

"You paid for my class trip?" he asked. "But, how'd you find out that I had a job? Did Shigure tell you?"

'_Why am I bothering with this stupid kid again?_' she thought. "Well Mr. Honda. As a Sohma, I can get information through our large family line. I just wanted to reward you for keeping your lips sealed. That's all." She cocked her shoulder as she turned around giving a smug undertone to her walk. "Now get back to class."

"Would you like to hang out with me?" Tohru asked.

A lone echo of her stopped heel sounded off. Hinata turned around trying to gather what was just asked.

"Excuse me?" she asked.

Blushing and panicking, "Not like a date! Cause well, you're too old for me! I mean I'm too young for you! Not that you're not pretty! You're very pretty actually! I wish you'd smile more cause then you'd be even more beautiful! And I just...no wait I think that was a bit much. Uhm...what I mean is." He regained composure and gulped, "I'd like to thank you for the gift by spending some time with you."

"Tohru...if you want to thank me...then keep doing what you're doing and..."

Tohru, whether it was intentional or not, was giving the puppy dog eye method. This certain dragon had a thing for dogs. "I have some equipment coming in next week. You can help set it up when it gets here. How about that?"

!

"Where is he?" Kaede groaned. "Jeez! He's always home by now!" The three women sat around awaiting a certain brown-haired-butler to walk in the door. His average time getting home was overlapped by an hour. Thus, Kaede's concern was justified.

"I'm going to look for him." Yuki said getting her coat.

"Now, now Yuki. You're the princess. He's supposed to save you from danger." Shigure said lying across the table.

The cat, "Do us a favor and get off the table."

The dog, "It's my table. I'll do whatever I want to it!"

The mouse, "I'm assuming that's an innuendo."

The dog, "Why do you assume that everything I say has to do with sex?"

The mouse, "Because you're a pervert with no willpower."

The dog, "Yes I do! You just haven't seen me say 'no'!"

The cat, "Speaking of 'no'. There's no reason Tohru should be so late! I'm going to look for him!"

The mouse, "Now wait a minute! I said I was going to look for him!"

The cat, "What're you gonna do? Have him carry you back home?"

The mouse, "You mad that he's more interested in a real woman?"

The cat, "Real woman? Please! You talk about how you can kick my ass and you need him to bail you out every other day! A real woman is her boyfriend's equal and not some damsel in distress!"

The mouse, "Keep telling yourself that. Maybe if you hang out with me a little more, you'll learn how to act like a real woman!"

The dog, "Excuse me girls. Stop lying to yourselves. I'm more woman than the both of you put together."

The cat &amp; mouse, "_Huge tits don't count!_"

The sound of the doorknob opening turned the girls into a pack of exited pets. In came a very exhausted Tohru. At his side was a happy bunny by the name of Miho. And in his pathway were two teenage girls with bright smiles.

"Sorry I'm late." Honda said.

"_TOHRU!_" the cousins said.

Yuki, "We were so worried about you! What took you so long!?"

"It's a long story." Honda sighed.

"Does the explanation include why you didn't call to let us know you were gonna be late?" Shigure asked now out of the kitchen and in the living room with the others.

"I'm sorry." He said honestly, "But we were a person short so I had to stay afterword to help since it would take longer."

"Why didn't the other workers pick up the pace like you did?" Kaede asked.

"Well, you see..."

Miho interrupted, "Tohru gave them the go ahead to leave on time! All of the other cleaning people have kids and stuff so he decided to stay so they could get home! Isn't he nice?"

Kaede goes ka-boom in t-minus 5-4-3-2-1!

"**YOU STUPID LITTLE! DO YOU KNOW HOW WORRIED WE WERE ABOUT YOU!? AND NOT EVEN a **single...phone...bath! You! Go take one! And then bed! Now!"

Tohru trembled in fear, "Yes ma'am!"

ZOOM! He dashed to the bathroom as quick as he could.

"Very good Kaede!" Shigure patted the cat's head, "You didn't go off the deep end. Well not for too long anyway."

Yuki sighed, "I can't believe he would do something so...so!"

"Foolish?" Miho finished.

!

'_Once upon a time, there was a foolish traveler who had gone on a journey.  
Why was he foolish? Well, because he was fooled by everyone he met!  
__"Please, some money for medicine...?"__  
Everywhere he went, people made up all kinds of sad stories to tell him, and the traveler fell for every one of them.  
__"I have a sick younger sister..."__  
__"I don't have money to buy seeds to plant in my fields."__  
Pretty soon, his money, his clothes, even his shoes had been cheated away from him.  
But the foolish traveler was always glad to help. And he always told the people the same thing.  
He said: __"I wish you happiness."__  
But by this point, though, the traveler was completely naked, and with nothing left to cover himself, he decided to leave the main road and travel through the dense forest, where no one could see him...  
But soon, he was discovered by the goblins that lived in the woods. The goblins wanted to eat the traveler's body, so they begged and pleaded, and used  
kind words to try and trick him... Of course, the traveler was fooled.  
First, he let the goblins eat one of his legs. Then an arm. Then more and more... Before it was over, all that the traveler had left was his head. He'd even given his eyes away to the last of the goblins... And as that last goblin was eating the traveler's eyes, he turned and said  
__"Thank you, traveler. In return, I leave you this present."__  
What the goblin left was a slip of paper, with the word "fool" written on it. The traveler couldn't see it. He didn't know what it was. Even so, tears began to flow down his face.  
__"Thank you,"__ he said. __"This is the first present anyone ever gave me. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. Thank you."__  
Even without his eyes, he cried and cried, great tears of joy. Then, the traveler died, the smile still on his face._'_  
_!

That morning Tohru was putting the sheets on the cloths-line when a creeping noise in the floorboard spun him around.

"Hello?" he asked.

"Yo." Kaede replied peeking under a sheet. "I got some good news and I got some bad news."

Tohru ceased all action, "Is everything okay? What's the bad news? Are you okay? What about Shigure? Is it Yuki?"

"Yeah. Yuki's coming with us. That's the bad news."

"Coming where?" he asked.

"On the trip to the Sohma hot spring. Momiji wanted to invite you or something like that. But she got so busy helping you out with the cleaning and then I told you to go bed so...yeah. Get it?"

He smiled, "Got it."

She hated it. The fact that Yuki was winning the undeclared war for him. There he was just standing there in front of her. He's so innocent. He's manly with a boyish charm.

How could she take the lead? What should she do to grab him from the mouse? Who could she become to him if she truly tried?

"You have a great smile." Kaede said. The timid tone in her voice caught Tohru in an odd mood. He was too happy for her to act 'concerned'. She was too out of character for him to just give a mild reply.

"Kaede?"

"Yeah? What is it?" she said looking off into the forest.

She wasn't looking at him. So he had to change that.

Tohru's fingertips tucked under Kaede's chin. He guided her eyes back to his.

"What will it take for me to get you to smile?" Honda asked in a voice only heard in the dreams of romantics.

Any other girl would have a thousand things racing in her mind. Kaede isn't 'any other girl'. Tohru knew that. What he didn't know, was the question in her mind at that moment.

'_Should I kiss him?_'

"Kaede?" Honda asked again, "You're really pretty when you smile. So can you please...smile for me? Or tell me what'll make you smile?" He was sincere in the statement. That's what the problem was. He didn't mean it romantically. It was like a child asking his parent what they could do to help.

Like an adult to a child, Kaede scuffled his hair with a smirk. Not a content smirk. But a delighted one.

"Just don't worry me like that and you'll be fine."

"Hey Kaede!" Miho shouted with a towel around her neck like a cape, "Back off! Yuki may've gotten him on loan but Tohru is my prince charming! And cause you like to hit me, you can't have him! EVER! So bleh!"

Leaping for her prey, "YOU LITTLE BRAT!"

END

Jet: Ugh...my nemesis: Writer's block. You fought valiantly. But a lass, I whooped your ass!


	16. Chapter 16

Okami: **The following is a non-profit fan-based parody! 'Fruits Basket is owned by 'Funimation', 'TV Tokyo', 'Tokyo Pop', and Natsuki Takaya! All mentioned products, TV shows/movies, and/or other franchises are owned by their respective owners/parties and/or companies! Please support the official release!**

Jet: Sir! I'm going to ask you in a calm manner to stop yelling at me about a damn disclaimer.

Ch. 16

Charm

"This is gonna be so much fun!" Miho said bouncing on the seat, "Yuki &amp; I can do make overs! I can beat Kaede in table tennis! And Tohru! You &amp; I can spend the whole night talking about our favorite romance books!"

Yuki snickered at the image of a bulk teenage boy enjoying a romantic novel by the fire. Perhaps he's wearing a sweater vest and reading glasses while listening to Mozart? Tohru wasn't a testosterone driven male. But surely, he wasn't that 'girly'. Was he?

"I love Romance! Have you ever read Jet Dreamer?" Honda asked.

Yes he was.

"He's a genius! Have you ever read 'A girl named Jessica'?"

"I love how the relationship between her and Adam is sincere and isn't forced at all! What about 'Burned the Sun'?"

Miho squirmed side to side upon each syllable, "I cried so hard in chapter fourteen! When Colloway couldn't walk through the snow to save his wife who got stuck in that blizzard, so he stole a car just to brave through it!"

Tohru completed the tale, "And then when he found her frozen to death, he stayed there with her and said, 'I'm sorry Max. I'll be with you in a minute!' My dad had to hug me to calm me down!"

"Damn it!" Kaede shouted, "How about a spoiler alert!"

Chain mail pants: check!

Spiked bracelet: check!

Metal chocker with a skull design: check!

Black punk rock t-shirt: check!

Martial artist: check!

Romance novel lover:...check?

!

The four exited the commuter bus and hiked up a large flight of steps. Among the mountain top was what Tohru saw, as a palace. A castle mixed with the nature around it.

"Wow!" he whispered.

"It's nothing special Mr. Honda." Yuki said. "It's just our hot spring."

"Come Tohru!" Miho tugged his arm eagerly wanting her imaginary boyfriend to see what was in store, "The inside is gonna be great!"

The two jogged upward to the point of entry. An open door with no one in sight seemed a little suspicious for Kaede &amp; Yuki. Do I need to tell you that it went right over the heads of our loli and protagonist?

"Tohru!" Kaede shouted, "Hold on a second!"

A man with ghost pale skin waltz out from behind the wall. He carried himself with respect, and held a face that demanded it in return. On hand was placed behind his back. The other gripped a wood cane.

"Kaede, how many times have I told you not to yell at an inn?" he asked.

Tohru &amp; Miho stood aside letting their elder pass by.

"Uh...s-sorry Okami." Kaede apologized.

TWACK! Kaede's knee was popped as a new dent was born in the walking utensil. Yuki cringed actually feeling sorry for her cousin. It was replaced by humor in two seconds.

"**THEN WHY ARE YOU SCREAMING LIKE SOME HYPER-ACTIVE PREPUBESCENT GIRL WHO JUST GOT A BOYFRIEND!?**"

If you looked closely, you could see Miho sneaking her way out of a punishment with her 'boyfriend'.

!

"You damn traitor!" Kaede barked.

"WHAAAA!" Miho held her head in pain, "Why'd you have to go and hit me you jerk!?"

"Cause you got me in trouble!"

Tohru whispered to Yuki, "So...Okami is the concubine?"

"I think you mean concierge Mr. Honda."

Tohru pictured a young man in a tuxedo serving food on a platter and speaking with a British accent.

"But...he looks nothing like Sebastian."

Snickering helplessly, "That's, pfft, not...the same thing...Mr. Honda. He-e-he!"

"What's so funny?" Kaede asked still seething from Miho's actions.

"Nothing you need to worry about."

"Does that stupid little thing you got have something to do with it?"

Yuki hid her tiny purple box from sight. There was absolutely no way on this planet that she would allow Tohru to see what it was this early. She planned on letting him in on her secret before the weekend was through.

"What's wrong Yuki?" he asked.

Hands behind her back, "It's nothing Mr. Honda!"

Tohru crossed his arms, "Yuki...is something the matter?"

"HEY! Miho! You said something about an open air bath right? Maybe you can show Tohru where it is!"

Springing into glee, "Okay! Tohru, follow me! We can go bathe together!"

A rusty male's voice alerted them, "Excuse me?"

"_Okami!_" the girls said.

"Uh," Momiji found herself against a preverbal wall, "Well, what I meant was...uhm." Whispering, "Kaede! Help me!"

Smiling, "Like hell you stupid rabbit!"

Snapping back, "I'm a bunny!"

Okami, "EXCUSE ME!" Attention was brought back to the military like man, "Momiji, you're growing up into a young woman and you have to know what it means to respect different rules of different houses. So Tohru cannot break our no unisex bath rule just because you want her too. Understand?"

Sighing, "I guess so."

"HOLD ON!" Kaede shouted, "HOW THE HELL IS THAT FAIR? SHE CAN TRY AND-"

"**WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE YELLING AT YOUNG LADY!? I AM IN CHARGE AND I WILL REACT TO WHOMEVER HOWEVER I PLEASE AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT THEN THE BUS IS OUTSIDE! SHE'S JUST A LITTLE GIRL AND DIDN'T UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON'T HAVE THE SAME UNISEX BATH THAT OTHER SPRINGS IN JAPAN DO! NOW APOLOGIZE TO MOMIJI FOR TEASING HER! SAY YOU'RE SORRY RIGHT NOW! SAY IT!"**

"It's okay Okami." Miho said. "She doesn't have to apologize."

The elder pondered letting, what he deemed, disrespect go unpunished. Of course, Kaede felt as if she had been disciplined by the drill instructor. Naturally, Yuki wanted to see more suffering.

"Very well then." Okami took two steps forward before hearing something much worse come from the blonde bunny.

"Since we can't bathe together, how about we sleep together Tohru!?"

!

A woman's paradise. That's not an example of what was going on in the girl's side of the onsen. It was in reference to Tohru's relaxation.

A man, sitting in clear water with no tension in those firm shoulders and strong back. Large arms that could keep anything warm in the cold. A chest similar to that of small pillows. Meaning that six-pack with steam rolling over it would be a sort of mattress for any woman lucky enough to rest against it. And dear God, the short saturated brown hair leaking off of his skull.

"Wow kid." Okami said, "If I looked like that when I was your age, my daughter would be a lot older. Hell, I might have had a few daughters."

The old man sat in the clear water across from the young man. Tohru didn't mind the company. Any opportunity to talk with one who can share wisdom was appreciated.

"Thank you." Tohru said leaning forward just enough for it to be noticed.

"Tell me something Tohru. Do you care about Yuki, Kaede, &amp; the others who are cursed?"

"Yes! Of course I do."

"That's good. My daughter is the monkey and when I heard that some boy on the outside heard of us, I was concerned. She, like the others, has seen a lot of pain. I'm not very good at expressing kindness. That maybe my intention, but it comes out in fear."

Tohru's eyebrows raised and cheeks relaxed. He didn't quite get how those yells of rage were confused with 'fear'.

"I don't want them to be weak when they face pain. But, all Kaede &amp; Yuki have been put against is punishment when something bad happened. I realize that they need some t-l-c. So, Tohru Honda, can I trust you to save the members of the zodiac from the harsh life that's been beating them?"

Was there any possibility that he would give a different answer?

"Of course!" Flexing a bicep, "I'm a man! I can handle it!"

!

"For the thousandth time...you have to let the ball bounce off of the table and then you hit it back to me." Yuki groaned.

With a Ping-Pong table separating them, Yuki &amp; Kaede...you've read the manga. You know what they're doing.

"Shut up princess! I don't need a damn tutorial!"

"I know you need a haircut Ms. Heavy Metal."

Without the use of her band to keep that orange hair in a ponytail, Kaede's head was mopped by a lengthy piece of uncombed frizz. Kaede's kimono like evening gown reminded Tohru of what a nice body she had. Especially the shoulder sleeve slipping off revealing some of her skin.

"Tohru!" Miho latched onto his arm, "Do you have the hots for Kaede?"

"I don't know. Let me check. Hey Kaede? Do you feel hot?"

Yuki took a second to introduce her face to her palm.

"Uh...no." Kaede answered. "Now get over here so I can beat you!"

Getting off the floor, "O-okay? I guess."

Yuki handed off the paddle, you can make your own joke about that, as Tohru took his side of the table.

"Ready?" she asked arrogantly.

"Sure!" he responded in seriousness.

Kaede dropped the plastic sphere once and severed it from there. Tohru cocked his arm back. The ball bounced on top of Honda's side. Eyes fully on the prize, he swung not holding back!

He smacked the edge of the table with the paddle.

Not only did Tohru miss, he managed to get Kaede to do an impression of 'The Joker'.

"He. He-he! HE-HE! HA-HA! HAA-HA-HAAA! HAAAA-AHHH-AHHH-HAA! OH MY GOD! THAT WAS THE FUNNIEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!"

"Kaede! Stop teasing my husband!" Miho snickered.

Tohru giggled at himself. Suddenly, he realized that one voice wasn't laughing. In fact, it wasn't there at all.

He scanned the room to see where Yuki had gone and found a lavender figure walking out discreetly.

!

"Yuki!" Tohru called.

The girl stopped on a bridge over a small pond. Fireflies slowly danced around the two over the glare of a moon across the rippling water. The scene resembled something out of a fairy tale.

Tohru stared up from his position on the grass. Hand on the wooden beam; he was too intimidated to set foot onto the land where she was. In that moment, he considered himself a humble peasant. He was in the presence of the Sohma kingdom's beautiful princess.

"Hello Mr. Honda." Yuki said.

A knight removed of his shining armor was all the more handsome in her eyes. She knew it was only a matter of time before her heart would burst inside her. The pain would be worth it if he, her secret prince, would be the man to repair it.

"You ran off. Is something the matter?" he asked.

"I just didn't want to laugh in front of you or Kaede." she said growing a smile.

"You could've laughed in front of me. I wouldn't have been upset or anything like that."

"It's nothing against you Mr. Honda. I've never even laughed in front of my parents."

Tohru wanted to ask, but it seemed too personal of a topic. He was also considering how he'd gotten from the grass looking up to a Goddess, to standing over her holding himself back from an embrace.

"By the way, Mr. Honda. I have a present for you." That familiar purple box came back to play.

"Thank you Yuki."

Tohru removed the top and obtained a bracelet. A brown band with a single yin-yang locket on it. Tohru could only see the small diamond acting as the light in the dark through the moonlight's shine. Such a vague yet emotional treasure.

"Yuki! Thank you so much! I love it!"

"I didn't know what to get you so...here's your second present." She tucked a lock of her hair behind her ear. "Close your eyes."

The pleased knight did as his princess asked. She brought herself up on her toes, leaving her vision upon approaching his face. Yuki had every detail of his face memorized so it wasn't necessary. What was important, was her final statement.

"Tohru...I love you."

Then, a kiss.

Too Be Continued

Jet: REVIEW MORE AND I WILL UPDATE FASTER!


	17. Chapter 17

Jet: Let's finish where we left off.

Makoto Takei: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. 'Fruits Basket is owned by 'Funimation', 'TV Tokyo', 'Tokyo Pop', and Natsuki Takaya. All mentioned products, TV shows/movies, and/or other franchises are owned by their respective owners/parties and/or companies. Please support the official release.

Ch. 17

Charm Pt. 2

Their hands firmly tugged on one another's sleeves. Elbows remained bent as a sort of blockade to keep themselves from entering a hug. However, when in a passionate kiss, you desperately want to embrace the other.

Yuki truly felt like a princess in a storybook. She was engaged with her love in a show of emotion that seemed endless. Under the moonlight surrounded in a circle of fireflies.

Tohru couldn't pick which thought he should submit to in the act. Should he focus on her soft lips that eased his nerves? Or the presence of Yuki's tongue twirling with his own uncurling every hair on his neck?

They pulled away, realizing that the human body needs oxygen to survive. Gasping, Yuki &amp; Tohru looked at one another with sin red cheeks. It wasn't a sin in their minds however. How could it be?

"Tohru?" Yuki said shyly.

"Yes?" Tohru said gulping.

"I'd...really like to be your girlfriend."

Tohru wasn't very surprised. He wasn't appauled. He wasn't joyful. He wasn't even looking at Yuki.

Yuki was looking at him however. She saw a confused teenager looking for an answer to a difficult question. He didn't want to jump into something without being sure that that's what he wanted. But, he didn't want to say no to someone that he's been developing feelings for. If he said 'no', he could hurt her. If he said 'yes', he could be messing up a valuable friendship.

Yuki decided to let him think about what she's given him for a little while longer.

"Tohru," she said. "If you wanna think about it a little more, than you can. You don't have to be my boyfriend if you don't want too. If you want...we can still be friends. Just...give me an answer before the month is over." Yuki's blush returned, "Would you like that?"

He gave a smile warmer than any kiss, "I'd...really like that...princess Yuki."

POOF!

The soothing 'prince voice' was a little too much for Yuki to keep from having a moment.

The sight of them in the moonlight together was a little too much for Kaede to keep from crying as she discretely returned to bed.

!

Now back home from the Inn, Tohru, Yuki &amp; Kaede couldn't help but hear arguing amongst two adult voices. One was barely audible through the closed door. The other was, well:

"SENSEI! Please! You can't keep doing this sort of thing! You have to take more responsibility for your actions!" Mitsuru whined.

"Come on Mit. It's just harmless fun! I'm sure he'll get the joke."

The barley audible voice, "It's doesn't matter if he gets the joke Sensei. He's jailbait."

Tohru opened the door to find...well...Shigure was holding up a very perverted male butler outfit with Mitsuru trying to take it from him and Haruko sitting on the couch as if it were a show.

"_WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!?_" Kaede &amp; Yuki harmonized.

The top was a sleeveless tuxedo blazer with white outlines. The bottoms were your ordinary dress pants. What made this an ecchi get-together was a spiked dog collar with a small chain on it.

"It's Tohru's new uniform." Shigure answered without a shred of shame in any syllable. "I can't wait for him to call me 'master' wearing this."

They knew what it was and who it was for. They were just mad because of who got it. Feeling guilty for imaging Tohru wearing such a thing was a minor motive.

Yuki wanted to rip the thing to pieces. Kaede was about to rip Shigure to pieces. Tohru just wanted to say hi to Haruko and act as if he didn't hear that.

"Haruko. How're you doing?"

"I'm well. How are you?" she said politely.

"I'm wonderful! I loved the hot spring and I can't wait to start school in a few days."

"Is that so? Did Yuki tell you about Momiji &amp; I?"

Tohru turned back to see what she was talking about. He also figured it was about time he stopped the cat and mouse from killing the dog.

"Yuki?" he called.

She lay on the floor having put Shigure in an arm-lock, "Yes Mr. Honda?"

"Haruko said something about our school?"

Kaede responded while on her elder cousin's neck with Mitsuru trying to pull her off, "Right, we forgot to tell you. She's joining us along with Momiji."

"Wait...Momiji is in middle school. Right?"

"Mr. Honda. She's a child prodigy. Miho may be the age of a middle school child, but she has an I.Q of 163."

Kaede threw her two cents in, "I still don't believe that someone that immature can be a 'prodigy'."

Shigure spoke, despite her face being pressed against the floor, "Seeing as you broke my roof in the first chapter, you don't have a lot of room to talk about being 'immature'."

!

"So...you mean to tell me that they're more sexy Sohmas at the school now?" Akira asked. The group of Tohru, Kaede, Sora, &amp; Akira sat in the classroom waiting for school to start after the orientation.

"Yep." Tohru answered, "I suppose that applies for one of them."

"Yankee! What the hell does 'more sexy' mean? You want me to punch you out?" Kaede sneered.

Akira, poking the cat's cheek, "Aw! Jealous much?" Akira knew if he teased Kaede to much then there would be trouble and he wasn't feeling well already. "Don't worry Kaede. Ya still a nice piece of work. Do somethin' about that temper first, then I'll take you out on a date. Sound good?" Okay, maybe the 'trouble' Kaede caused was worth the larger headache.

"Akira..." Kaede leaned over her desk with a greedy grin, "Are you trying to confess to me?"

Mirroring her expression, "Nah! I'm waiting for my homeboy to do that. Unless he &amp; Yuki-"

Tohru panicked, "OKAY! Say! Kaede! How about we go see how Miho &amp; Haruko are doing?!"

Taking her arm, Honda pulled Kaede out of the room in a flash.

"Tohru's been acting very strange lately." Sora stated blandly.

'_Like he has any other emotion._' Akira thought.

"Yeah. I noticed. If I didn't know any better I'd think he got hitched or somethin'. Hand over some chocolate will ya?"

!

"Yo!" Kaede called to two boys, "You boys have seen two girls around here? One's blonde with pink highlights and looks like she's in grade school. The other's a Goth with white hair."

Like the dorks they were, "Yeah! They're in our class! We'll go get 'em for ya!" Zoom! The two ran off leaving Kaede all alone.

"Geez! Boys are such idiots." Kaede groaned.

"Oh my God!" a random voice said, "Do you see that hot guy?"

Kaede heard the girls in the corner talking about someone. However, the only guy in sight was Tohru. They couldn't possibly mean the brunette butler?

"I think his name is Tohru Honda." Girl 1 said.

Now she was listening at full attention.

"He's really cute! I bet ya he's got a girlfriend." Girl 2 said.

That horrible image of her friend and the princess roared like a jet engine. There was nothing Kaede could do to drown out the sound of Yuki confessing to Tohru. She just had to live with the association.

"No way! He's a total pretty face. I bet all those muscles took the juices from his brain." Thing 1 replied.

"Do you even think he knows how to kiss a girl?"

"No way! He's got 'virgin' written all over his face."

Kaede could've beaten them to a pulp. She could've cursed them out. She could've informed Tohru and allowed him to decide what to do. But, the last thing she was going to do was let it go.

Kaede strolled up the hall to Tohru's position. He snapped out of 'la-la-land' in the presence of one of his roommates.

"Kaede! Did you find Miho &amp; Haruk—" Tohru was interrupted.

His encounter with Yuki might have been soft and pure.

Kaede's lips were all the more bold &amp; devious.

END

Jet: Oh yeah! I went there!

Kaede: THANK YOU!

Tohru: Jet! Are you trying to get me killed!?


	18. Chapter 18

Jet: Well, I guess there's no harm in me doing the,

Makoto: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. 'Fruits Basket is owned by 'Funimation', 'TV Tokyo', 'Tokyo Pop', and Natsuki Takaya. Please support the official release.

Jet: You bitch!

Ch. 18: Demons

He couldn't ignore it. He couldn't comprehend it. He couldn't even hope to justify it.

Why was Kaede kissing him?

Tohru knew that in no way should he be allowing this. He was still trying to figure out his feelings for Yuki. Even worse, this was Yuki's cousin!

Why was Tohru allowing her to kiss him?

Kaede didn't think much of it. She was doing her good friend a favor without letting him know why. It was just a simple gesture to her.

Why was he kissing her back?

The girls turned around, "Oh! My! God!" They were sooo gonna tweet that in the next minute!

Alone at last, Kaede realized her embrace was still as alive as when it started. He was still caressing the back of her neck keeping her nerves warm. She was still memorizing his taste.

She wanted to know this feeling as home. Deep down, all Kaede saw was an opportunity to let him know how much she adores him.

Her hand ran through his thick hair. They were like soft little strings tickling her fingers. When she reached the back of his head, she pushed him even more into the kiss.

He panicked. Pulling away from Kaede, Tohru gasped for air, as did the cat.

"S-sorry." He stated.

"It's (pant) It's alright. I was running out of air too." Kaede lied.

The two didn't look at the other. Tohru didn't want to admit defeat. Kaede didn't want to accept success.

She decided to accept it anyway. If she acted as if nothing happened, nothing would happen.

"Hey Tohru." Kaede said still looking down.

"Y-Yeah?" Tohru responded.

She twiddled her thumbs together as she blushed without smiling, "If you...you know. Want to do...that again. Then just go ahead and let me know. I mean...if you enjoyed it that is."

"Are...you asking to be my girlfriend?"

Kaede swung a glare at the teenage boy and shouted, "Why do I have to be 'your girlfriend'? I mean, why can't you be my boyfriend?"

They stood there silent for a little while wondering what the other would say next. Or if the other would say anything at all.

Tohru did eventually open his mouth, "Is that what you want us to be?"

"Tohru!" Miho called from the other side of the hall.

The two temporarily discarded their little affair knowing it would only get worse if anyone knew. Especially Momiji &amp; Haruko. It was already a bad situation for Honda.

"Miho!" Tohru greeted. It was just Momiji after all. There was nothing to be uptight about.

Speaking of uptight, "Momiji Sohma!" Kaede smacked the back of her cousin's head. "Just because your breast haven't grown in yet doesn't mean you can walk around wearing the boys uniform!"

The girl who stood under five-feet-tall sported a stunning male uniform. Sleek black with gold buttons covered her torso and the slumped shoulders filled her small blades perfectly. Her hair was also in a new style for the new year. The pink highlights within the blonde field remained. But the dual buns keeping any single strains from falling below her hairline was a different, and fresh take.

Whining, "WHAAAA! Tohru! Kaede hit me!"

"Kaede!" Tohru grumbled.

"What?! I'm not the gender confused blonde!"

"SIT!"

Just like the first time, Kaede's legs bent letting her but hit the floor. He still had some authority over the girl after all.

"Damn it! I hate when you do that!"

"Ha-Ha! Kaede got in trouble!" Miho sang.

Entering the fray was Haruko, "It's not polite to tease people Momiji."

"Good afternoon Haruko." Tohru greeted.

She replied stoically (as usual), "Good afternoon. Do you know where my Yuki is?"

'_Tohru...I love you._'

"Uh...how about I go look for her! Kaede. You can show them around the school. Okay?"

He had to apologize. He had to find his girlfriend and beg for her forgiveness. He didn't think it was possible for one to feel so guilty over nothing. He thought that he needed to clear his conscious.

"Not so fast!" a voice of pure arrogance arose. "You four need to learn the rules of my school! Your hairstyles, that unholy jewelry, and cross dressing will not be tolerated!"

"Kiss my ass Makoto!" Kaede said staggering back up.

"Makoto?" Haru asked.

Tohru sighed, "She's the head of the disciplinary committee." For someone as patient as Tohru to sigh and take a slouched posture meant the person in question was extremely annoying. Just looking at her would've told you that.

Makoto had this condescending smile and a voice that oozed disrespect. She loved pushing people around and wasn't afraid to give the indication. Makoto wasn't woman enough to yell at anyone without her two bulk bodyguards.

"Who do you think you're talking to! Kaede Sohma class 2-D! I would give you a lecture about foul language and orange hair, but I have an obsessive anime fan to deal with." Makoto looked over Miho, "Momiji Sohma! You are a female! And all females must wear the female school uniform! And those highlights in your hair must be discarded immediately! I will not have some transsexual midget hooker in my hallway!"

Tohru figured out of the four of them, he could calm the situation.

"Excuse me Makoto, but the school board allowed this. There's no need to yell at her anymore. It was a simple misunderstanding. Also, the term is 'little person' and Miho isn't one."

She had none of it, "Like I'm going to believe some orphan! How stupid do you have to be to lose both of your parents?"

"Shut the [censored] up!"

The group faced a new, far worse threat. Haruko's face had twisted into that of a dark master of intimidation that cast a shadow on fear itself.

"Would you look at that? My ears are bleeding from that horrible excuse for a voice you have. That's not all that's wrong with you. Let's go down the list."

Makoto's two men stepped forward as a blockade. The color must've been yellow if all Haruko needed to do was keep walking in their direction for them to back down.

"1: You're a bully who picks on people for amusement."

Makoto watching horror as her two guards not only fled, but left her alone. Now absent of any aid, she tried to keep a distance. A very pointless distance.

"2: You're only as strong as the person behind you."

"I'm sorry. Please don't hurt me! I was just joking! A girl like you must love jokes right?"

"3: You put people in boxes and measure value by a price tag."

Makoto's back was against the wall. Nowhere to run. Not a place in school could hide her. Not a soul in miles would help her. It was judgment day. The tears coming down her face let Haruko know that she was aware of her doomed stay in hell.

"Finally."

Haruko's massive hand took hold of the student's neck. Those five fingers alone were enough to drag the fear-stricken girl up the wall off her feet. With gravity pulling her down and Haruko's strength holding her in place, Makoto began to choke.

"You don't ever make fun of my family!"

"Haruko." Yuki said, "Please put her down. I don't think it'd be wise for you to get expelled from school."

Almost as if it were a command from God, "Okay Yuki!" Haru smiled as she dropped what she deemed 'trash'. Said 'trash' ran off without a second thought. Okay, that was a lie. There was another reason she was running.

"YOU'RE ALL GOING TO BE IN TROUBLE! EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU IS GETTING EXPELLED!"

Haru's eyes narrowed reading for a charge. This time, there would be no mercy despite another's plea.

"Haru." Yuki alerted, "Let me talk to her before you rip her head off. I am a little more experienced."

If it were anyone else, Haru would've brushed it off. She wouldn't have even stopped to listen. Because it was the one person that Haruko valued more than anyone else on this planet, she stood aside yet again.

"Where's Tohru?" Kaede suddenly realized.

!

Tohru had almost run out of breath. He wasn't able to hear Yuki inform the other Sohmas to stay put since he took it upon himself to chase after Makoto. There was no way the girls would be expelled for such a petty offense.

Tohru halted under the second floor walkway outside the school building. He had found the snake of a human being that was Makoto. However, she wasn't talking to a staff member. She seemed to be in the presence of a man in dark clothing.

Makoto bowed and took her leave just as Tohru began to come from the shadowed corner. She had a smile on her face heading toward the brunette.

"Mr. Honda." She stated without the narcissistic attitude, "I'd like to apologize for my behavior. I've been rude to people who not only didn't deserve it and I used my position of power to do so. It was wrong and I hope you can forgive."

Does it even need to be stated that Tohru forgave the girl?

"It's no big deal. But I do think that Kaede, Haruko, &amp; Miho deserve an apology." Tohru wanted to make sure that her friends didn't feel as if high school was a place where you fear other students. They're security was what was important.

"Of course Mr. Honda." Makoto bowed and left in a humble manner.

It was a miracle. Tohru just witnessed a damn miracle. There was no way a girl so disrespectful would turn face like that in a matter of one conversation with a complete stranger.

"Excuse me." The man of mystery said, "Are you Tohru Honda?"

As the Sohma's butler turned, he was within arms-length of his new acquaintance.

"Yes." Honda answered.

"My name is Akito Sohma. I'd like to thank you for...ah! Yuki! Right on time!"

A mouse quivered in front of her personal devil. "I was just thanking Mr. Honda for watching over you."

Too Be Continued.

Jet: When I ask for 'review', what I mean is:

'What did you like?'

'Why did you think the chapter sucked?'

'Who did you like?'

Can you guys/gals please be more specific than 'please update'?

Going to bed with a stuffed up nose now.


	19. Chapter 19

Tohru: Jet, don't you have another story? Why not focus on that one since you haven't updated in a while?

Jet:...You're a little too generous you know that?

Akito: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. 'Fruits Basket is owned by 'Funimation', 'TV Tokyo', 'Tokyo Pop', and Natsuki Takaya. All mentioned products, TV shows/movies, and/or other franchises are owned by their respective owners/parties and/or companies. Please support the official release.

Jet: Excuse me! We were having a conversation!

Akito: (Stare)

Jet: (Stare)

Akito: (Stare)

Jet: (Stare) I'm 1 out of 6 kids. I can do this ALL DAMN DAY!

Ch. 19:

Indelible Scars

Akito approached Yuki at malevolent pace, "It's been so long since we've seen one another! How've you been?"

'Please don't make me go! I don't wanna be near him! He hates me and...please don't make me go with Akito! Please!'

Tohru's memory was begging him to act before Akito got too close to Yuki. There was something about him that caused Honda's spine to freeze.

He noticed that Akito was just as tall as he was.However, the two weren't even close to 'mirrored'. But they weren't exactly polar opposites.

Honda was bulky, but not a muscle bound behemoth. Sohma was skinny, but was far from a twig. Tohru's brown hair reached down to the base of his neck andtrimmed in a way for it not to get in his way when performing medial labor. Akito seemed to have a more business casual clean cut black hair only going beyond the ears.

Blue collar met white collar.

"Excuse me...Mr. Sohma." Tohru responded hesitantly.

Akito stopped, "Yes Mr. Honda?"

What was this feeling Tohru had clamping on his gut and dissolving the inside of his chest? His throat seemed unpeculiarly dry. Was he...intimidated?

"Well, you see. We need to get to class or else we'll get in trouble."

Seemingly apologetic, "Ah yes! I'm terribly sorry Mr. Honda. Just give me a moment."

Akito now stood dangerously close to the mouse. He tucked his head down looking at the girl's bowed scalp. Yuki couldn't fathom looking at her returned childhoodnightmare.

"How've you been my little mouse?" he patronized.

She dared not look him in the eye.

"Why didn't you come to the new year party?" he asked leaning his arm against the wall behind her.

She lost her voice amongst the painful memories.

"I wish we could go back to the way things used to be. You know...when you were my...little girl. Wouldn't you like that...my little pet mouse?"

She saw the dark room in his voice. The horrible hours of abuse with no indication on end. Wondering if each time spent with Akito would be her end. She just wanted it to end.

Yuki's breaths rattled like her legs. Unable to move or speak. She couldn't find her sanctuary as long as Akito was present. Maybe...it wasn't there?

Was there ever a haven for the poor girl? Always wanting to find a place to call home? A place where she could feel welcome. Does it exist?

"Mr. Sohma! I'm going to ask that you please leave my girlfriend alone. She's not enjoying what you're saying, so please stop."

Of course, it was real. Her heaven was her knight. Tohru Honda.

He stood between Yuki &amp; Akito having to have barged his way through in order to do so.

The men stared at each other not backing down. He braved through for his princess. The other just wanted the title.

"Very well then." Akito stated. Nose in the air, the man in black headed inside the school. "I'll be going now. See you later...my little mouse."

It was a bittersweet moment for Tohru. He defended his friend at the expense of sounding rude. Then again,from what he saw, he didn't respect Akito enough to want to be polite. It was only Tohru's pacifist nature that refrained him from a more aggressive intervention.

He turned around, "Are you okay Yuki?"

A small layer of liquid was felt underneath Tohru's feet. Looking down at Yuki's soaked shoes and the stream leading down her legs, he couldn't help but take action without asking. What kind of man would he have been if he left Yuki there in that state?

"It's okay." He said softly kissing her on the forehead, "You don't have to go to school today."

POOF!

Wrapping the mouse's clothes in his uniform top, Tohru carried laundry in one arm. In his pocket, was agrateful girl who was being taken home.

"Thank you." Yuki wept.

"It's not a big deal." Tohru smiled patting her head.

!

"What the hell're you doing here?!" Kaede snarled. She stood her ground in an empty hallway against the one person she hated even more than her lavender cousin.

"Now-now Kaede. Don't you appreciate what I've done for you?" Akito teased.

"Done for me? You son of a bitch! You've been nothing but—"

A right hand cuffed the cheeks of the cat. Her mouth hooked open but unable to close or utter sound. The monster of a man pushed her back against the wall.

"Know your place you filthy feline!" Akito smirked, "I allow you to come to this this school and live outside the main estate despite your ignorance. If I wanted, you could just have easily just been sent away. After all, you did run away."

Kaede brought her arm up in a high block breaking his lock. Maybe it was her anger. Perhaps pride. But her next move, was a right hook to Akito's jaw.

All her resent piled into an attack. Just like a good portion of her life inside the Sohma wall, all her effort into an action, with an unfortunate result. Akito's head slid left avoiding the fist.

Taking the girl's arm, Sohma pushed her elbow back. Kaede's hand found itself behind her head and against the bricks behind her. She was pinned.

Boasting, "I'm not some sad little girl Kaede. I can fight better than you &amp; Yuki. If you think that I spend my time sick in bed at the Sohma house, then you're mistaken! I'm the head of the family, so I must be the strongest. I guarantee you my stupid cat, I'm more of a man than your precious butler."

Kaede had to chuckle, "He-He! Ha-Ha-Ha-HAAA!"

"What's so funny?" Akito asked.

It was simple, "You're pathetic. Tohru is five times the man you are! You condescending piece of—"

"Na-ah-ah! Kaede!" Akito leaned into his reluctant prey, "Don't make me punish you!"

WHAM!

Akito was chucked clean off his feet by a spikey haired blonde's devastating uppercut.

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't snap ya neck for messin' with my friend?" Akira threatened.

"Akira?!" Kaede put her arms up blocking the Yankee off from digging his own grave even further. "It's okay! I'll handle this!"

"Bull-crap! He was tryin' to handle you! I ain't about ta let this bastard get away with...Goddamn it! Look what ya did orange top!"

"What the hell did I do?"

"He ran off!"

Sure enough, when Kaede turned around, there was an absence of a certain Akito Sohma.

"Damn it!" Akira growled, "I was gonna beat the hell outta him! No one messes with my gir...erm. My boy's girl! Yeah! That's it! No one messes with my homeboy's girlfriend!"

Kaede wanted to argue with him, but that title sounded pretty nice. Then there was the fact that he just helped her. Plus, she just saw Akito get socked! That was just icing to the cake.

"Thanks." She smiled.

"Meh! No biggy!" He lied.

END

Jet: I know this seemed pretty rushed, but I'm still sick. Don't worry, I'll edit all mistakes that I don't know I did later. Just pm me if there are any.

Yuki: Can this day get any worse?

Asako: Yoo-hoo! Yuki! Your big-sis is here!

Yuki: GHAAAAAAAAAAA!


	20. OOC Short: Bench Press

FB-GB Out-Of-Context Short: Bench-Press

The gym filled with the sounds of the equipment clanking against itself upon use. All the boys were making attempts to show off their muscles for the ladies. The women either focused on themselves or were paused in distraction.

Some were staring at one boy in particular. It was ironic as Tohru wasn't even lifting a finger. Kaede couldn't notice since she was the one bench pressing.

Grunting heavily, "45! 46! 47! 48! 49!" Happy of her accomplishment, "50!"

"Great job Kaede!" Tohru cheered now done spotting her.

Sweaty and proud of it, "Thanks. Hey, you wanna try to beat my score?"

Tohru pictured an arcade cabinet with 'TOH' taking the place of 'KAE'

at the #1 spot. Regardless, he took a seat.

"Alright!" he stated.

Kaede saw her butler get in place and had to say it.

"Tohru, if you don't take that pink and black jogging shirt off, I will remove your 'man' license!"

Thinking she meant a certificate as proof of gender, if those exist, Tohru stripped of his black with pink stripped jacket. Then what was revealed, proved that Kaede had the hots for Honda.

His beefy biceps poking out of the muscle shirt. Those pecs pushing against the fabric. The blistering blood shooting out of Sohma's nose like a rocket!

"Kaede! You okay!?" Tohru shot up to check on his little kitty.

Still feeling the effects of Tohru's magic trick, "Yeah-yeah! I'm fine hottie! HONDA! I mean Honda!"

Tohru placed his hand against her forehead, "You do feel kind of hot. Lets get that blood cleaned up and head home."

Kaede understood one thing. If they went home, she wouldn't see Tohru's body work out. Damn it all, did she want to see that body!

"I can clean myself! I'm not some little kid! Just do your workout!"

"Uh...okay Kaede."

Taking his place again, Tohru grabbed the bar as Kaede, holding a napkin to her nostril, spotted him. He lifted up the 275 pounds easily and began pumping.

'Damn!' Kaede thought, 'Does he even need a spotter?'

Tohru kept pushing the weight up and letting gravity carry it down along with his resistance over and over. He wasn't even breaking a sweat after 30 reps!

Then, he stopped. Honda placed the bar back in its resting place.

"D-did you just quit?" Kaede asked looking down.

Tohru kept his composer and position starring up.

"Kaede." he said, "Please take a few steps back.

Taking the unintentional insult, "Why the hell should I?"

"I can see your bra under your sweat shirt from this angle." Tohru admitted.

Kaede scoffed. There was no way in hell that this innocent kid in a teenage body would say that! Tohru couldn't even say that given the personality he had. He was just messing with her.

"If you can see my bra, then what color am I wearing jackass?"

As blunt as he could sound it out, "Pink polka dots."

Now, it was Tohru's turn to clean his nose.

End


	21. Chapter 20

Asako: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. 'Fruits Basket is owned by 'Funimation', 'TV Tokyo', 'Tokyo Pop', and Natsuki Takaya. All mentioned products, TV shows/movies, and/or other franchises are owned by their respective owners/parties and/or companies. Please support the official release.

Jet: Normally the person waits for me to say, 'go ahead' or 'action'. You know, since I'm the boss.

Asako: (Chuckle) Oh please my dear boy! You need to take action when it's not being taken by anyone else!

Jet: Yeah, but I'm the director. You're one of my actors. You have to do what I say.

Kaede: He's lying. I don't listen to word and I'm still here.

Jet: Go stand in the corner!

Kaede: Update your stories more!

Ch. 20: [Insert Joke Involving Snakes Here]

"Well, that's quite a pickle you've found yourself in." Shigure said rubbing her chin. Tohru and his guardian were sitting at the table discussing what he should do about Yuki's admission and Kaede's offer.

"What do you think I should do?" Tohru asked. Shigure sighed placing her hands on the table interlocking her fingers. She observed Tohru's body language. He sat on the edge of his seat with his foot rapidly taping. He twiddled his fingers anxiously wanting advice.

"First of all," Shigure began, "you should've pulled back when Kaede came onto you."

Tohru couldn't argue with that logic. You can't get a d.u.i charge if you never get in the car. Honda may not have been pulled over yet, but he's swerving.

"Secondly...I don't know what you should do." It was like a door being slammed in his face. Tohru had no clue what to do now. "If you want to be friends with the both of them, then tell them both 'no thank you'. However, you can only be the prince charming of one of the girls." Shigure smiled with silent chuckle. Kaede looking to Tohru as a 'prince' was rather funny in her mind.

"I know." Tohru said. "I'm just...conflicted."

"About what?" Shigure asked in a shallow way. At this point she was just acting as the passenger pointing out the street signs.

Tohru pondered what she meant for a moment, and tried to explain the maze that he was running through.

"I like the both of them...and I know I shouldn't. If I choose one, then I'll just be hurting the other. So then I thought about being just friends. That way the both of them won't feel rejected. But...I'll be upset. I know how they feel now and I don't want to act like I don't feel anything towards either of them. It'll be like...lying. Not only to them but to myself."

"I see. And you came to me because you don't know how to choose?"

Tohru smiled as a new hope emerged, "Yes. Can you help me?"

Shigure replied with a stern, "No." And there it goes. "I can't tell you which of my cousins is better (_as screwed up as that would be_). All I can tell you is this: keep being honest and you'll figure out what you should do. Okay?" Tohru gave an uncertain nod. "Alright. Now, Yuki said she was going to garden today. Why don't you go out and help her?"

Tohru tilted his head in confusion. To which Shigure replied, "If you're trying to figure out which one you like, wouldn't it be good to spend more one on one time with them?"

Finally getting it, "Ohhhh! Okay. I'll see you later." Tohru headed for the door, "Thanks for the talk Shigure!"

She waved him off, "Have fun my little pup!" Realizing what she just said, "Not too much fun!"

Coming down the stairs was a half-awake cat still in her tank top, "What's 'too much' of what?"

"Ah yes!" Shigure smiled seeing her cousin, "We need to talk about this mess your hormones caused."

!

"These weeds are so annoying." Yuki said pulling another plant out of the dirt.

"Uh-hu." Tohru replied with a shaky voice not looking at her.

It had only been five minutes, and Tohru was acting like a little kid who just came home from detention. He knew he had to talk to Yuki, but the swarm of butterflies in his stomach were just growing in number. The only thing that kept him from losing his mind was the yard work. For every weed Yuki pulled, Tohru plucked three. It was starting to worry her.

"Mr. Honda?" she asked, "Is something wrong?" Yuki removed her glove and gently placed her hand on Tohru's shoulder. He was incredibly stiff and nervous. He was even more passive than usual; to the point where there was no conversation. '_Perhaps a comforting touch would help_'

Tohru hits the panic button in three, two, one, "Yes. I mean no! I mean...I've been thinking about your offer."

Yuki smiled brighter than a Christmas tree, "Yes!" Seeing that Tohru was taken aback by her sudden burst, "Sorry. Go ahead."

"Well," Tohru gulped, "I sort of...found myself in a similar situation with...someone else. I'm trying to find words to explain the situation to you and figure out what I should do and-"

"Wait, wait, wait. Who are you referring to Mr. Honda?" Yuki asked seeming confused. She knew that Tohru would never intentionally harm someone. So if he found himself in a situation where an immense amount of thought had to be used to prevent controversy, then it couldn't be good.

"I...well..." Tohru wanted to look at the weeds and use the annulled ones as a way out of the conversation. But he couldn't run away from a door he opened. "I don't want to say her name, because I'm not sure how she would feel about me talking about it."

"Okay." Every ounce of Yuki wanted to ask, _'So what did Kaede do to you?' _But she decided to play along. "What did, this girl, say to you?"

"This girl asked me...the same thing you asked me." Tohru said...or tried to say. What came out of his mouth was a fearful hissing, "Ssssssss-sssssnnn."

"This girl, 'sned' you?"

"Snnnna-Snnnaaaaaa."

"She 'sang' to you?"

"Snaaaaaaaake!" Tohru gritted through his teeth. "Snake! In-in my, my, my, left, p-pant leg!"

Acting quickly and confidently, Yuki moved to the teen's side and saw a white tail slithering by his ankle just as Tohru said. She thought about what to do and then realized there was only one reason there would be a snake in her base.

"You little bitch!" Yuki snarled.

Tohru whimpered ready to cry, "I'm sorry! I know I'm a horrible person for betraying you and I just want to talk so this never happens again!"

"Not you!" Yuki shouted pulling the snake out from the boy's pants and storming to the house."

!

Using a wooden spoon to tap Kaede on the head, "Bad kitty!"

"Ow! Geez! I get it okay!" Kaede swatted the culinary tool away. "I'll tell Tohru 'forget about it' when he comes back."

"Don't do that!" Shigure barked, "I'm just saying you shouldn't make rash decisions."

Obvious joke in 3, 2, 1:

Yuki barged in holding a white garden snake, "Skin the whore with the sharpest blade in this kitchen, sauté her with grilled onions in tomato sauce and serve her with pilaf rice and steamed spinach!"

"Is that Asako?" Kaede said.

Shigure looked at the reptile, "Yes. Yes it is." Shigure looked at her purple cousin, "Now will you please drop her?"

A dark aura fueled by blood lust surrounded the princess, "In a pot of oil? What a brilliant idea! I'll get the stove ready!"

"See what I'm talking about?" Shigure stated to a wide eyed Kaede as a stunned Tohru came in the door.

!

"Yuki's sister!" Tohru repeated with an excited smile.

The four waited in the living room while Asako got dressed upstairs.

"They don't really talk much." Kaede said with a sly grin.

"You want me to come over there and rip your head off?" Yuki threatened.

Shrugging, "It's a lazy weekend princess. I'll get you tomorrow." Tohru smiled even brighter trying not to hug Kaede. The cat's eyes softened, "What're you smiling at rice ball?"

"Oh nothing." he lied still smiling.

_'Are they flirting?'_ Yuki asked herself cocking an eyebrow.

Before the two could do anymore damage, footsteps came down the stairs. It caught the boy's attention and only angered the purple haired girl. It was a fully grown woman elegantly walking down each step wearing shimmering earrings, a wonderful necklace and a dazzling red kimono. While Shigure often wore her dresses like a robe, Asako transformed the cloth into a graceful design that showed off her shoulders and hips. Like an actual kimono is supposed to.

"I'm sorry about that my dear. But you see, I'm not a warm blooded animal like Kaede, Shigure &amp; Haru. I saw your warm body and well...my instincts took over."

Her voice was clear and fluent. Her final step to the ground floor caused Yuki to grind her teeth for whatever reason. The woman was, more or less, her. Asako was Yuki with white hair and large breast. Okay, maybe not an exact adult version of Yuki, but she was the 'smallest' of the mabudachi trio.

Asa extended her hand to Tohru, "I hope you aren't upset with me." A tilt of the head and a queen's smile, "Mr. Honda."

If you looked in the corner of the room, you'd see a mouse who was on the verge of turning into a 'dragon ball z' character. Shigure stepped between the woman and the teen noticing the dark aura return to Yuki.

"Asa!" Shigure cheered, "How've you been? You look well! Have you talked to Hinata yet?"

"Oh Shigure." With a slide of the fingers behind the dog's ear to the dog's chin, the queen began to work her charm on her on again-off again, "You know that you're the only one for me. I also know you've been 'cheating' on our little agreement."

Never before had Tohru seen Shigure of all people sweat with a nervous smile. She was shaking while Asa stood her ground. This woman somehow got the dog into a corner. She really was a snake.

"Okay, I'm going to my room! I really don't need to see this." Kaede said retreating to her quarters.

Hearing the cat's suggestion, Honda managed to conduct a plan.

"Excuse me! Ms. Asako." Tohru suggested, "I'd like to take you out to lunch to show that there's no hard feelings."

Asa didn't see too much harm in the offer. A chance to eat as well as get to know the boy who knows the family secret. Besides, she could toy with Shigure when they got back.

"What a splendid idea." Asa said. She hooked her arm awaiting Tohru to lead her out the door. Which, like a gentlemen, he did. "I'll have your protégé back by eight Shigure."

As the door closed, Tohru was the saving grace for Shigure. Yuki on the hand...

Laughing hysterically between syllables with a twisted smile, "I swear to God! If that filthy, one-dimensional, prissy, self-centered, 'I'm better than everyone', man stealing, succubus so much as touches my Tohru again, I'm going to wear her over-priced jewelry as a trophy for becoming an only child and a warning for anyone else who even thinks about taking my boyfriend away from me!"

...you can take a guess.

END

Jet: It's one in the morning and I have work. This is going to be a two part chapter.


	22. Chapter 21

Asako: The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. 'Fruits Basket is owned by 'Funimation', 'TV Tokyo', 'Tokyo Pop', and Natsuki Takaya. All mentioned products, TV shows/movies, and/or other franchises are owned by their respective owners/parties and/or companies. Please support the official release.

Jet: Uh, you did it twice.

Asako: Well honey, you see it's a matter of princ-

Jet: Yeah, I know. Let's just get this party started.

Ch. 21: Insert Innuendo Involving Snakes Here

Tohru Honda, a boy with many issues. One of them was the suit Asako was making him wear. It's not so much the suit itself, it was the reason why. Not only did he feel comfortable in a 200,000 yen dollar clothing, which made him uncomfortable, the woman paying for it was a silver haired version of one of Tohru's potential girlfriends. Plus, he originally intended for the meal to be his treat. So how much would he have to pay for a lunch that came with a dress code? What other rules applied to a high society meal? He was freaking out before he even ordered his food.

"Tohru my dear." Asako called, "Is everything alright?"

"Yes mam!" he panicked even shocking the waiter.

Asa chuckled, "You can order whatever you desire. It's my treat."

"Oh no! It's not that." Tohru tried to explain. But the queen had none of it.

"Waiter, please bring us two orders of sautéed Italian gyouza." Asa ordered.

The man took the orders and went to the back.

"I thought gyouza was Chinese dumplings?" Tohru asked.

"A lot of high society is just tower speech. If you read a dictionary, then you could impress just about anyone." Asa took a sip of her tea.

Things were just becoming more and more awkward for the boy. He wanted to talk to her, but was intimidated. Asa barely looked Tohru in the eye and occupied the silent 60 seconds by observing the activity of everyone else.

Finally speaking up, "Yuki never told me she had a sister."

Scoffing, "We're not very close." Asako still didn't make eye contact.

"Why is that?" he asked.

Asako took a breath, "We're ten years apart. Also, he was very sick as a child. So I pretty much got to do whatever I wanted while she was controlled. I suppose she's envious of me. But whenever I try to talk to her, she…well you heard."

"Do you think, it might have something to do with you crawling into my pants?" Tohru stated rather blandly.

"Oh right! I'm sorry about that. I was just sort of…looking for warmth."

Shrugging, "Maybe that's what she's looking for too."

"Perhaps." Asa sighed. "It's just hard to approach someone you don't know."

"You don't know Yuki? At all?"

"Not 'at all'. I just don't know a lot about teenagers. I remember being a teenager, but my line of profession requires I deal with adults."

"Well," Tohru suggested, "what profession is Yuki in?"

The woman snapped up, "Yuki has a job?"

Tohru smiled, "Yep!" Asa leaned against the table like a child ready for fantastic tale.

"What does she do?"

"Well, she likes to garden and she's part of the student council. She's also…" Shigure's lecture seeped into Tohru's mind. "Well, what do you know about Yuki?"

Asa thought for a moment and replied, "I know she's a gardener and a student council member."

Let the awkward silence begin. At this point, the sipping of tea was cue for the other to start a conversation.

"You're Yuki's boyfriend." Asa said, "You can't tell me anything about her?" Tohru almost choked on his drink. "Something wrong?"

"No! No! No! It's just I don't know if I'm her boyfriend yet. I mean, I haven't been called that yet."

"Oh, how many dates have the two of you been on?"

"None. Well, we went to an onison with Kaede &amp; Miho. Although I'm not sure if that counts."

"Interesting." Asa rested her chin on top of her folded hands. "So you are dating my little sister though? Correct?"

'_I'd…really like to be your girlfriend.'_

'_Why do I have to be 'your girlfriend'? I mean, why can't you be __my__ boyfriend?_'

Tohru had to do it. There was no other way around it. If he said 'yes' he would go home and become Yuki's prince. If he said no, then he would have to explain how he was Kaede's boyfriend. Otherwise, things would become more complicated. Especially if he told Asako the full story, which wasn't necessary.

'_I'd…really like that…princess Yuki.'_

'_Is that what you want us to be?'_

Soft and pure, or bold and devious.

!

"Oh my goodness! What a lovely suit!" Shigure boasted. "Did Asa buy that for you?"

"Yes, she did. It's actually really comfortable." Tohru beamed. Just as he uttered that last sentence, Yuki was on seen on the final step. When they meet eye contact, the mouse rushed to face Tohru.

"Asako didn't cause you any trouble did she!? Where'd you two go? Is she back at her own house? Is that why it took you so long to come home? I knew it! That snake made you walk home! Didn't she!? What did she do to you?"

"She wasn't any trouble. We went to a five star restaurant and had some expensive dumplings. She's with me still. She didn't make me walk. We talked about you the entire dinner."

Yuki forgot about her bombardment for a second. Her entire life, her sister acted as if she didn't exist. So this statement was a little hard to take in.

"What did she say about me?" Yuki asked.

Tohru clutched at his chest, "She uhm, wanted to know more about you since you two don't talk." Yuki's expression softened. "She's scarred that, you hate her."

The princess chuckled, "I don't hate her. I just wish she didn't walk around as she owned everything."

So many problems come from speculation without communication. With that in mind, Asako slithered out of Tohru's pant leg, over Shigure's foot to let her know, and up the stairs. Like a magic trick, Tohru pulled Asa's folded clothes from his the space between his suit and back and slipped it to Shigure without Yuki noticing.

"Smooth." Kaede teased as her cousin walked by. She was silently waiting on the stair case after Tohru had entered.

"Well I am a dog after all." Shigure gloated matching the fun, "We're all about smooth opera…oh."

Shigure's eyes were widened looking past Kaede. It wasn't out of shock, but it was defiantly an attention grabber. When Kaede turned her head to see what it was, her eyes widened out of shock, and heartbreak.

There he was, the prince she loved, kissing the princess he loved.

END

Jet: So next chapter is going to about Miho because the whole Asa and Yuki thing wouldn't change all that much and I don't want to juggle Kaede's rage with the sisters and then there's Miho's backstory and,

Kaede: You Son Of A Bitch! I'm gonna rip your head off!

Jet: Help! She's gonna kill me!

Shigure: What'd you expect her to do?


End file.
